Parents Who Can't Throw Anything Away Usually Aren't Hoarders, They're Protecting These 11 Memories
They're clinging onto a past version of their lives.
Pormezz | Shutterstock Especially for people who already struggle with an insecure attachment style, forming a relationship with material possessions and things is often a way to find emotional solace, at least according to a study from Scientific American. They are comforted by the memories that a specific object brings — like a feeling from when their kids still “needed them” from a baby blanket — so parting with them feels impossible and far more vulnerable than they’re willing to admit.
Parents who can’t throw anything away usually aren’t hoarders, they’re protecting these kinds of memories. Whether it’s a lack of emotional regulation in their own lives or a kind of grief that keeps them clinging to these memories, the material objects that help them cope are more important than most people realize.
Parents who can’t throw anything away usually aren’t hoarders, they’re protecting these 11 memories
1. Feeling ‘needed’ by their kids
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Many parents struggling with the natural disconnection that comes from adult children leaving the house are yearning to feel “needed” again. So much of their parental identity and self-worth came from showing up for their kids, so of course they’re holding onto memories that remind them of that time.
Even if their kids send them a thoughtful card or ask for help with a struggle in their adult life, they’re clinging to these feelings of being “needed,” rather than self-fulfilling those desires internally.
2. A full, bustling home
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People who hold onto evidence of their kids — like their childhood bedroom decorations and beds — are often missing and grieving the loss of a full, bustling home. They miss spending quality time with their kids at home, of course, but also the fullness of their schedule and lives.
That’s part of the reason why so many aging people and parents use technology and background noise to cope with loneliness at home later in life. They’ve grown accustomed to their kids running around and a million things happening all at once, so the silence now feels impossible to bear without some kind of TV running in the background or sounds coming from their phones.
3. Their parenting identity
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Like a study from Advances in Life Course Research explains, many parents enter a season of depression, identity crises, and loneliness after their adult children leave the house, largely because their lives for the past few decades have revolved around parenthood. They’ve likely given up some parts of their lives to have kids and framed their entire identity around being a parent.
Now, without their kids around, they don’t know who they are anymore. It might sound dramatic to someone who hasn’t experienced it, but a parent’s identity has to completely alter itself to find newness after becoming empty nesters.
4. Their own missed childhood
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Oftentimes, parents who are simultaneously raising their own kids and coping with unresolved childhood trauma of their own, struggle to truly emotionally connect with their families in a healthy way. They’re often working so hard to tame the emotional turmoil they feel internally that they struggle to be present in big moments without going inward and reflecting on their own adolescence.
That’s why so many of the things that they can’t throw away after they’ve grown up and their kids have moved out are special. They’re a reminder of the missed childhood they had, but also the growth and pride they have in themselves for raising kids who have made it out of the house and into the real world.
5. Their kids’ milestones
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From school report cards to old costumes from a school play, parents who can’t throw anything away usually aren’t hoarders, they’re protecting these memories. Even if they didn’t photograph them during the present moment, these random pieces of memorabilia and material objects serve as reminders of the joy, connection, and pride they felt in those moments.
According to psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein, the only trait that’s truly important for parents to reconnect with their disconnected adult children is empathy. Approach conversations with empathy, lead with compassion, and be willing to listen and support.
6. The security of a strong routine
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According to a study from the American Journal of Lifestyle Medicine, keeping a healthy, consistent routine is often more powerful for protecting general health and longevity than we realize. Especially for aging parents, a routine is healthy, yet so many are clinging to old reminders of the routine they had with their kids, rather than crafting their own.
Whether it’s random pieces of clothing, their stuff in a car, or their favorite breakfast foods in the pantry, reminders of their kids’ routine are everywhere, and they’re hard to part with for a disconnected, grieving parent.
7. Their own parents
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If their own parents have passed away or grown old, keeping memorabilia from their own childhood or their kids’ early years can be a comforting reminder of them. Even if the material things aren’t directly associated with positive memories and love from their parents, the token pride they feel from their own kids is enough.
Especially considering losing a parent mid-life often sparks a shift in personal identity and well-being, it’s not surprising that coping with these material goods and possessions is so common.
8. Proof that they did a good job
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For many parents, the struggle to “be perfect” is causing burnout and stress in their homes, according to a study from Ohio State University. Even if they’re not necessarily parents anymore, new conversations and social discussions about parenting may cause empty nesters to feel insecure and worried about how they acted and treated their children.
Holding onto positive memories, prideful moments, and memorabilia from their kids might be a way for parents to self-soothe — to remind themselves that they did a good job. Parents who can’t throw anything away usually aren’t hoarders, they’re just protecting these memories and trying to protect their own emotional sanity.
9. A past version of themselves
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People change over time, especially after they have kids and adopt a parenting identity. They shift away from a past version of themselves, take on this new role and its responsibilities, and leave everything else behind — not always out of choice, but obligation for their new tasks.
When their kids leave the house for good, this lack of obligation and parenting role can be disorienting, causing parents to cling to old memories and material things for comfort. They may not be hoarders, but they do cling to material things that remind them of a past version of themselves.
10. The feeling of being wanted
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Most people want to feel desired in their relationships — it’s a human need. But the truth is, most people want to feel “needed” and “wanted” more than they want to feel desired.
For parents, this feeling comes from their kids and sometimes from their partners. Their kids need them to show up every single day, but when they’re gone, they’re living life for themselves again.
Parents who can’t throw anything away usually aren’t hoarders, they’re just clinging onto the predictability of their kids’ childhood and the feelings of being “wanted” that they miss.
11. An old version of their relationship
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While marriages and relationships in the home tend to grow closer and more intimate after becoming empty nesters, like a study from The Family Journal argues, the immediate loss and shock of an adult kid leaving can often craft a tumultuous dynamic.
Especially for couples who have been “together for the kids” or completely avoidant of one another out of responsibility for the kids, keeping their kids’ stuff and material things around could be a way to hold onto the past. They’re yearning for the past version of their relationship by holding onto stuff, even if they’re not necessarily consciously aware of it.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
