If A Couple Starts Spending Time On These 11 Things, Their Relationship Is In Trouble
These toxic habits indicate relationship is slowly going downhill.
Krakenimages.com | Shutterstock Most couples understand that relationships aren't always sunshine and rainbows. Experiencing ups and downs is to be expected in any romantic relationship, but sometimes, those issues may become a point of contention. Whether it's dwelling on the past or keeping score, if a couple starts spending time on these things, their relationship is in trouble.
Of course, a few of these things doesn't mean couples should call it quits. Because even if things are rough right now, any relationship can recover with the right amount of help and conflict resolution. From therapy to working on communication, understanding what's going wrong can put a couple on the right track.
If a couple starts spending time on these 11 things, their relationship is in trouble
1. Scrolling on social media
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People scroll on social media, which is to be expected in our technology-driven society. However, if a couple starts spending hours on social media without interacting with one another, their relationship is in trouble.
It's easy to become hooked on social media. Without realizing it, hours can pass by as time with their spouse becomes less and less. To avoid this, it's important to monitor how many hours couples spend on social media. And according to experts, that's between 30 minutes and two hours per day.
In an ideal world, it would be easy to go from obsessively scrolling to only spending a few hours a week online. But so long as there's communication and compromise on both ends, it's not always the end of the world.
2. Hyper-fixating on hobbies
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There's nothing wrong with having hobbies outside of the relationship. In fact, healthy couples have their own identities and interests that don't involve one another. Hobbies are a great way to boost mental health. But when a couple becomes hyper-fixated on their hobbies, their relationship is struggling.
Like everything in life, there needs to be a balance when it comes to time spent on hobbies and time spent with each other. There's nothing wrong with carving out time for doing the things you love, but it's equally important to carve out time for your partner.
3. Extended visits with family and friends
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When someone is in a relationship, it's easy to get caught up in their emotions. So infatuated and in love, they might forget their friends in favor of spending time with their partner. According to therapist Charlie Huntington, "Couples who spend that quality time together providing each other support and sharing positive feelings are the ones most likely to see improvements in their relationship satisfaction."
However, when a relationship turns sour, couples might stay away from each other by spending more time with others. And while spending quality time once or twice a week won't ruin the relationship, if a couple starts spending excessive time with family and friends, it's a bad sign.
Once couples make the first step to shut each other out, this is when the downfall of any good relationship begins. No longer creating memories or focusing on the future, it's easier to call it quits when family and friends are actively encouraging them to.
4. Dwelling on past mistakes
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If a couple starts dwelling on past mistakes, their relationship is in trouble. One or both partners may be filled with guilt and embarrassment, attempting to carry on with their daily responsibilities, but find themselves drained.
Dealing with past trauma or resentment is difficult, but if a couple is determined to be together, finding a way to focus on the present rather than the past is the first step. Granted, it might require couples therapy to get on the right track, but moving forward instead of backwards is essential.
5. Fantasizing about others
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It should go without saying that fantasizing about others in a relationship is a sign that things have gotten complicated. Depending on who you ask, some couples might make an exception to the rule, as not all couples flinch at the prospect of their partner thinking about others.
However, this can cause problems down the line. As philosophy professor Aaron Ben-Zeév, said, "Constant comparison produces jealousy, envy, and dissatisfaction in romantic relationships." This doesn't have to spell the end of a relationship, but it means a couple needs to talk to each other or seek professional help.
6. Changing their physical appearance
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While most beauty standards are a result of social media and representation, the fixation on one's appearance can also be due to a relationship. From their partner refusing to reassure them to one partner feeling invisible, a couple who spends time on changing their physical appearance may have a relationship that's in trouble.
Yes, a person is responsible for how they take care of themselves. However, being with the wrong person can absolutely make their insecurities worse. Whether it's intentional or not, their dismissive behavior can make someone who is already self-conscious feel even less confident.
7. Keeping score
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Once a relationship turns toxic and partners begin keeping score, they'll resort to the pettiest comments, berating one another on a daily basis. This can lead to resentment over time. While it might feel like they're "winning" in the moment, according to psychology expert Ellie Lisitsa, resentment leads to contempt, which is the number one predictor of divorce.
Unless they're planning on breaking up, couples should never keep score in a relationship. If someone truly feels like the other person isn't pulling their own, either have a discussion or go to therapy. Even if it's uncomfortable, sometimes it truly takes a professional to help people change their behavior.
8. Obsessing over control
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From controlling bosses to controlling family members, it's not uncommon to see perfectionists take their tendencies to another level. But even if they're not in control of what their boss or family thinks, obsessing over control in a relationship isn't a good sign.
Control issues are the quickest way to turn a beautiful relationship into a toxic one. Without realizing it, couples start to nitpick at each other's behavior, putting unnecessary pressure on one another to change. It might not be noticeable at first, but over time it grows into resentment and feeling unappreciated.
9. Criticizing each other
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In no world is it okay to tear down a romantic partner. No matter how upset a person is, it's not acceptable. But if a couple starts spending time criticizing each other, their relationship is in trouble.
When tensions are already high, it's hard not to fall into a pattern of blame, but tearing each other down will only end in disaster. As psychotherapist F. Diane Barth explained, "In a relationship, constant criticism can interfere with loving and caring feelings. The problem is, criticism adds to our sense of vulnerability, and most of us aren't willing to take the first step to ending the criticism merry-go-round."
10. Working overtime
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There are many reasons why people work overtime, whether it's due to money issues or feeling pressured by their boss. But sometimes, a person may work overtime because of relationship problems.
Without even realizing it, they'll grow distant as they spend less and less time with each other, putting all their energy into their job. This is why it's important to find little ways to connect. Even if it's only 30 minutes texting or going out one day out of a week, couples who prioritize time spent together will always come out on top.
11. Over-analyzing their partner's words
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Nobody in this world is perfect, and sometimes, they might say things that drive each other insane. From insensitive comments to being too logical in a situation that requires empathy, there's nothing more frustrating than hearing words you don't want to hear.
However, it's important to give each other grace every once in a while. Instead of focusing on what they do wrong, try to focus on the positives. As relationship expert and psychotherapist Carolyn Sharp explained, "Gratitude allows couples to shift their focus from frustrations to the positive contributions they make in each other's lives, strengthening their connection and their resilience."
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.
