5 Critical Signs Your Terrible Marriage Is Worth Fighting For
Walking away isn't your only option.
dragana991 | Canva Questioning the value and durability of your marriage is more common than you think. Infidelity, financial strain, or simply feeling disconnected can make you wonder if you married the wrong person or if it’s time to move on. It's not easy to admit you feel stuck in what seems like a terrible marriage, but asking the hard question — is it worth fighting for? — is the first step toward clarity.
Many couples hit a point where their marriage feels more draining than fulfilling. You might have thriving careers, kids you adore, and a life you’ve worked hard to build, yet still wonder if the problems between you and your spouse are here to stay. The truth is, not every difficult marriage is doomed. If these signs are still present, your marriage may have the strength it needs to recover and grow stronger.
The 5 critical signs your terrible marriage is worth fighting for:
1. You realize stress — not love — is the real problem
Stress kills. It destroys the health of the body, and it destroys the health of relationships.
People in the grip of stress react in ways outside their normal patterns. To concentrate and find solutions, they may withdraw, go silent, and even lapse into depression. They may also become more reactive without thinking first about what they say and how they say it, stop taking care of themselves, and even self-medicate.
None of these behaviors is good for a relationship. But in response to the question at hand, they don’t need to be deal-breakers.
What would your marriage look like if you had the skills to manage your stress more effectively? How would your communication look if you and your spouse could get away from the stress and focus on your marriage for a while?
2. You still respect each other
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Respect is such an integral attribute to a healthy marriage that its presence — even in the worst of times — is telling. If you and your spouse still respect one another, you have a foundation for empathy, trust, and a willingness to work.
Compare a respectful relationship to one mired in contempt, and you will realize how much you have in your favor.
3. You're raising kids together and doing it well
Unless your marriage is facing demons like abuse, addiction, and contempt, look at the whole picture.
Is your unhappiness cultivated by a lack of time and attention to your relationship? Is it worth throwing in the towel if your children are happy and you and your spouse have good relationships with them? Have you taken any therapeutic steps to work on your marriage?
While there are situations that are more stressful for children than divorce, the breakup of a family has profound effects on children.
If nothing else, your children can be a motivation to dig deep and be honest in your examination of your marriage. And remember, you'll always be connected to your spouse, whether you're parenting together or from separate homes.
4. You're both willing to put in the work
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Relationships work much more easily and more effectively if both parties jump into them together. But even if only one person is willing to do self-work on behalf of the relationship, the relationship can survive.
Even the slightest willingness to take the first step — to reach out for help, to modify your behavior, etc. — is a statement of hope. A mutual willingness to work is your encouragement to hold on and do whatever's necessary to save your marriage.
5. You still enjoy each other's company
If you can still smile and laugh together, the spark of your love is there. Do you enjoy a night out together, even if it’s just to a movie or a casual dinner?
If you're avoiding one another at all costs, your marriage may have deeper issues to resolve. But if you can tap into the love and enjoyment that defined the early days of your romance, you have a lot to build on.
The trend for couples in their later years to divorce after long marriages would seem to answer that question with a tragic “no.” Gray divorces have increased in frequency, despite a decrease in the American divorce rate for the past 20 years. A lot of factors are frequent culprits. Differences in financial management, kids leaving home, and simply losing interest in one another are common reasons.
But asking, “Is my terrible marriage worth fighting for?” doesn’t ask for excuses or even valid reasons for divorcing. It asks about the value of marriage.
Mary Ellen Goggin offers relationship coaching for individuals and collaborates with her partner, Dr. Jerry Duberstein, to offer private couples retreats in Portsmouth, NH.
