11 Things Emotionally Intelligent People Avoid Saying At All Costs, According To Psychology
Are you guilty of throwing around a few of these in conversation?
Perfect Wave | Shutterstock Being emotionally intelligent can mean a lot of things in today's society, but realistically it's a blend of emotional regulation, self-awareness, and social intuitiveness that manifests in a number of diverse ways depending on the individual. One thing that most emotionally intelligent people share is an ability to look inward — digesting and coping with their own emotions, while simultaneously empathizing with others.
It's this inner emotional awareness and external empathy that often fuels healthy communication habits, like a study from BMC Psychology explains. They're actively expressing themselves, helping other people feel heard, and crafting safe spaces with chosen words and language. However, there are also a number of things emotionally intelligent people avoid saying at all costs, according to psychology experts, that protect this "safe space" and their social interactions from harm.
Here are 11 things emotionally intelligent people avoid saying at all costs, according to psychology
1. 'You're overreacting'
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As psychologist Jeffrey Bernstein suggests, phrases like "you're overreacting" are most commonly used by gaslighters, trying to make you feel doubtful or "crazy" for simply expressing your emotions or concerns.
Emotionally intelligent people understand that not everyone feels and expresses their emotions in the same way, so they intentionally craft a safe space for healthy communication in whatever way works for everyone. Gaslighters, insecure individuals, and emotionally manipulative people do the opposite, trying to spark self-doubt in the people they're uncomfortable with or trying to take advantage of.
2. 'I don't know'
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Emotionally intelligent people don't shy away from experiences or conversations that they don't understand or excel at; in fact, they're incredibly open to change and learning new things. Phrases like "I don't know" never come out of an emotionally intelligent person's mouth, unless it's followed up with something like "but I'll find the answer for you" or "I'll find someone else who can help."
The ability to grow and personally regulate uncomfortable emotions is key for these kinds of people, according to a 1997 study. They're not afraid to get out of their comfort zone and try new things, because they have the emotional capacity to handle the discomfort of "not knowing" and asking for help.
3. 'That's just how I am'
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Emotionally intelligent people are regulated enough to engage in behaviors that other people may actively shy away from to avoid discomfort — from taking accountability for their mistakes to crafted lofty personal goals. They avoid saying things like "that's just how I am" or "that's the way the world works," because they know that nothing is "impossible" to change.
Whether they're in the workplace or navigating personal relationships at home, emotionally intelligent people are more prone to resilience and self-determination than their counterparts. They can not only see the big picture — personally with their emotions and socially in situations — they have the discipline to change things for the better.
4. 'I don't have time for this'
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Asking people for help has a number of personal and social benefits, according to experts from Stanford University, despite being initially uncomfortable and difficult. When people ask for help and receive it, they feel more valued and important, alongside any physical or mental boost they receive from the tangible deed.
However, when they ask for help and nobody responds with any kind of assistance or support, they're less likely to reap the positive benefits of asking in the first place, which is why emotionally intelligent people always make an effort.
They'll never say "I don't have time for this" and simply walk away, but brainstorm a solution with the person to support them. Whether that means carving out time in their schedule or finding someone that can help them, they don't leave people feeling alone and unsupported, if they can help it.
5. 'It's not a big deal'
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A phrase like "it's not a big deal" is one of the things emotionally intelligent people avoid saying at all costs, according to psychology experts. It's not only incredibly dismissive and invalidating — minimizing people's feelings and emotions in conversation — it can sabotage relationships and the "safe space" people feel being vulnerable with one another.
According to psychotherapist Moshe Ratson, it's actually the "silent killer" of relationships, discouraging safe communication with dismissive language and behaviors that lack empathy. So, emotionally intelligent people don't just make an effort to craft healthy communication habits for themselves and their own needs, but also for the well-being of their peers, friends, and family.
6. 'I'm just being honest'
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Even when "brutal honesty" is truly necessary, it should never consistently hurt someone else's feelings if it's not necessary. Of course, setting boundaries and getting realistic about your needs isn't always going to be comfortable and exciting, but it shouldn't make people feel isolated, unsupported, and afraid.
Phrases like "I'm just being honest" typically serve a guise for people's negative thoughts and mean feelings. They hide behind the facade of "being blunt" to be rude and unkind.
However, emotionally intelligent people are generally more empathetic than the average person, because they have the capacity to understand and regulate their own emotions, while making space for other people's as well. They don't need to use passive-aggressive language or attention-seeking strategies to feel safe and secure.
7. 'I'm fine'
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Whether it's in a conflict with their partner or a debrief with their boss at work, emotionally intelligent people make an effort to express their needs and emotions, even if it's uncomfortable. They're less prone to emotional suppression from a place of fear or insecurity, so they hardly ever use phrases like "I'm fine" when they don't really mean it.
Part of that ability lies in their self-awareness, according to experts from Yale University, because they know how to acknowledge their emotions even in uncomfortable or stressful situations. They can unpack what they're feeling and find the words to express it — or at least take the space they need to figure it out — rather than bottling it up and crafting resentment.
8. 'That's just common sense'
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Even though emotionally intelligent people tend to be more curious in their pursuit of knowledge and connection, according to a study from the Journal of Applied Social Psychology, they never take cheap jabs at other people for not doing the same.
Phrases like "that's just common sense" or "How do you not know that?" are some of the things emotionally intelligent people avoid saying at all costs, according to psychology experts, because they understand the nuances of seeking knowledge — from having the free time to dedicate to it and the emotional security to seek it out.
9. 'You need to let that go'
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Emotionally intelligent people, who commit to regulating their discomfort and even addressing their unresolved trauma, know better than anyone that a healing journey is unique to each person. It hardly ever looks the same for two people — from timeline, to coping strategies, and even the grief they're experiencing in a passing moment.
Phrases like "you need to let that go" directly oppose the kind of support and grace they try to offer to people who are struggling. Instead, they opt for small acts of kindness, safe spaces in conversations, and even a shoulder to cry on when they notice someone is in the midst of a healing journey.
10. 'You sound crazy'
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According to psychologist Dr. Cortney Warren, phrases like "you sound crazy" are fundamental to a gaslighter's strategy. They not only spark self-doubt in someone who's expressing their emotions or needs — encouraging them to shut down or suppress things — they also invalidate their experiences.
Gaslighters find it easier to take advantage of insecure people who don't have the boundaries, confidence, or self-discipline to stand up for themselves, especially in passing conversations and conflicts. However, emotionally intelligent people always make space for people to express themselves, even when it's uncomfortable or difficult.
11. 'It's just a joke'
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Emotionally intelligent people may utilize jokes to de-escalate difficult and stressful situations or even to cope with their own discomfort, but they never hide behind the disguise of humor to make fun of other people. Phrases like "it's just a joke" are some of the things emotionally intelligent people avoid saying at all costs, according to psychology experts.
Instead, they use humor to bond people, spark joy, and even release a bit of tension from difficult conversations and social situations. It's never a tactic to invalidate someone else's hurt or to avoid taking accountability for their language, behaviors, or actions.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
