If A Man Thinks He Married The Wrong Person, He'll Usually Focus On These 11 Details About Her
Just Life | Shutterstock When living in a state of gloom, dealing with emotional turmoil, or grappling with a rough patch in a relationship, it's not uncommon for partners to view their marriage history and choices through a darkened lens, according to therapist Dr. John Gottman. They start to regret things that felt right in the moment, clouded by the shadow of resentment and the frustrations of daily life.
Even small conversations and rituals of daily life take on a new meaning, and if a man thinks he married the wrong person, he'll focus on these details about her and the relationship. While there are technically points of "no return" like disengagement in a marriage, according to a study from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, by recognizing these patterns of behavior early, there's always room to grow and heal together.
If a man thinks he married the wrong person, he'll usually focus on these 11 details about her
1. Her defensiveness
Photoroyalty | Shutterstock
Many people in disconnected relationships that lack healthy conflict resolution skills will get defensive when arguing or talking about concerns. It's a defense mechanism — they either don't know how to have a healthy argument or feel personally attacked by concerns. Especially for couples that don't have an underlying foundation of trust and affection to inform their arguments, defensiveness and avoidance are much easier.
According to a study from Brigham Young University, defensiveness in a marriage can also be influenced by a partner's sense of safety. If they don't feel safe to express themselves or seek emotional support, they may rely on passivity and disconnection to protect themselves.
2. Her emotional guardedness
DimaBerlin | Shutterstock
There's a reason why men tend to "need" their relationships with women to a higher degree than their partners — they provide a safe space for them to be emotionally vulnerable and seek support in ways that are historically harder in their platonic and familial relationships. However, if that energy isn't being recirculated and their wives feel emotionally unsupported, they may be more guarded at home because of it.
While there are a number of marital tensions that can push couples to this point, if a man thinks he married the wrong person, he'll usually focus on these guarded details about her. He's noticing the repercussions of not having space to be vulnerable at home, even if she's able to turn to friends and family.
3. Her social plans and obligations
Jose Calsina | Shutterstock
If a man thinks he married the wrong person, he'll start to focus on details about her life and appearance that were perfectly fine with him before. For example, if his wife is spending more time outside of the house, with friends and peers, than at home, chances are he'll grow resentful quickly.
Even if he's actively avoiding quality time to cope with marital tension in his personal time, watching his wife pull away and lean on other people could quickly amplify his feelings of disconnection and a lack of importance.
4. Her impatience
MDV Edwards | Shutterstock
According to psychology expert Aaron Ben-Zeév, patience is a necessary component of healthy relationships, as it blends the beauty of intimacy and the calmness of a platonic friendship into one connection. It provides a soft place to land for each partner, whether they're navigating a complex argument or finding space to seek out affection.
However, if a man thinks he married the wrong person, chances are he's rethinking some of his wife's traits, like subtle impatience, that didn't bother him before. His resentment is amplifying his irritability, and now things that used to be "quirky" or cute are annoying.
Especially when things get heated, and they're navigating conflict from a disconnected place, her impatience makes problem-solving harder and often holds him to unrealistic, unsustainable expectations.
5. Her avoidance
wavebreakmedia | Shutterstock
Oftentimes, the disconnection and frustration that drives people to regret parts of their relationship also encourages behaviors like avoidance. Avoiding arguments for a fleeting sense of comfort, avoiding hard conversations, or even stepping out of the house to avoid quality time together — these are things that craft more stress in our relationships and lead to more separation.
If a man thinks he married the wrong person, he's likely adopted some of these misguided habits himself, but also likely focuses on these details about his wife. If she's stepping away from conversations or avoiding discomfort, he'll hold it against her.
6. Being disengaged during conversations
Diego Cervo | Shutterstock
When we notice other people actively listening to us when we're speaking, whether they're strangers or our romantic partners, it activates the reward center in our brains. Not only does this bond us closer to the person, but it also uplifts our mood and boosts our sense of self-esteem. However, when someone is interrupting, looking at their phone, or avoiding eye contact, the opposite happens.
If a man thinks he married the wrong person, chances are he's looking for evidence that he should leave — evidence to reassure the thoughts he's already dealing with internally. So, even if a distracted conversation seems harmless, it can lead to much bigger feelings of frustration.
7. A lack of enthusiasm about intimacy
Just Life | Shutterstock
While low levels of physical intimacy and affection can often lead to worsened intimacy for both partners, for women, the emotional foundation that fuels it is often the priority. So, while their partner is yearning for affection, they may be trying to lean into vulnerability and emotional discussions.
If a man thinks he married the wrong person, he'll usually focus on these details about her. Especially if vulnerability is already a struggle for him to indulge in, the added loss of physical intimacy can add stress and strain to the relationship.
8. Changes to her routine
PeopleImages | Shutterstock
Whether it's staying at work later, going to bed earlier, or spending more time with friends, if a man thinks he married the wrong person, he'll usually focus on these small details about her often. He's reading into everything, often as a coping mechanism for his own feelings of doubt, and makes up a narrative about these shifts without leaning into healthy, honest communication with her.
While rough patches can often be normal for marital partners to endure, communication through them is a necessity.
9. Her phone habits
PeopleImages | Shutterstock
Our cell phones are often the inanimate objects that put our relationship most at risk, especially when they're used as a distraction or "escape" from relationship problems. Not only does their mere presence distract us from being present with our partners, but leaning on them for comfort can spark more stress and strain that further divides us.
That's why it's one of the first things a husband notices from his wife when he feels regret about the marriage. He gets irrationally angry at the distraction in the face of his own resentment and internal chaos, and it becomes an even bigger problem in the marriage.
10. Her irritability
Dragana Gordic | Shutterstock
When both partners are operating from a place of chronic resentment, irritability is inevitable. Petty arguments pop up out of nowhere, partners are making passive-aggressive remarks, and both feel more disconnected than ever.
While he might be indulging in irritable tendencies himself, if a man thinks he married the wrong person, he'll also usually focus on these details about her. He may be subconsciously looking for proof from his wife that his regret is unjustified, but these moments make it hard.
11. Her tone of voice
PeopleImages | Shutterstock
Even if it seems harmless to a couple who's operating from a place of connection and trust, if a man thinks he married the wrong person, he'll usually focus on small things like his wife's tone of voice or her nonverbal cues in a conversation more often.
As therapist Beth Wylie suggests, a partner's tone of voice is often one of the most common communication habits where contempt sneaks in. Along with passive-aggressive and condescending language, it's these subtle shifts that a disconnected husband will notice first.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
