11 Subtle Ways People Reveal They Regret Who They Married, According To Research
Regretting choosing the person you married isn't easy to admit.
simona pilolla 2 / Shutterstock The fairytale version of love makes marriage sound like magic, when the truth is, it takes a lot of work to have a successful relationship. Living happily ever after sounds great, but when you and your spouse keep arguing about whose turn it is to do the dishes, it's easy to start regretting your life's choices, including the choice of the person you married.
Saying “I do” on your wedding day is just the start. It takes more than love, alone, for a marriage to thrive, so when the person you chose turns out to be not such a great choice, things get even harder than they would otherwise be pretty quickly. People tend to reveal the fact that they regret who they married in subtle ways because it’s hard to admit when you've made what seems like such a catastrophic mistake.
Here are 11 subtle ways people reveal they regret who they married, according to research
1. They make work their main priority
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Putting their job before everything else is one subtle way that people reveal they regret who they married. It’s one thing to be glued to your desk during regular hours, but ignoring your spouse to answer work emails can be a sign of quiet dissatisfaction.
A study published in The Family Journal described workaholism as “excessive work involvement, driven by internal compulsions, and accompanied by low professional enjoyment.” The researchers found that “workaholic behaviors and attitudes are associated with poorer marital functioning.”
There will always be urgent tasks and deadlines that we don’t have direct control over, but people who regret getting married use their jobs as an excuse to check out. Couples who are truly committed to each other aim for some semblance of balance, even when they have a heavy workload.
2. They purposefully overschedule themselves
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Having a full social life that exists independently from your marriage is a good thing, but sometimes, being purposefully over-scheduled is a subtle way people reveal they regret who they married. Being busy isn’t always an indication that someone is unhappily married. Life is full of outside commitments, and your marriage can’t always be the center of your attention.
It’s not healthy for couples to spend every waking moment together, but if your partner is always bouncing from one thing to the next without inviting you along, it’s totally possible that they’re trying to avoid alone time.
3. They’re always on their phones
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Anyone who owns an iPhone knows how strong the lure of mindless scrolling can be, but as divorce attorney Ronald Baver pointed out, focusing more on your social media feed than you do your spouse is a clear sign of an unhappy marriage.
He described the act of ignoring your partner to stare obsessively at your phone as “phubbing,” noting that, “Phubbing leads to marital dissatisfaction and potentially divorce.”
“Spouses who phubb each other experience higher rates of depression, resentment, and isolation,” he shared. “While phubbing, in and of itself, may not directly lead to divorce it certainly can become the tipping point that pushes the relationship over the cliff.”
4. They make passive-aggressive jokes
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Having a shared sense of humor is an essential part of any loving relationship, but people who make passive-aggressive jokes at their partner’s expense subtly reveal that they regret who they married. According to the Gottman Institute, hostile humor, name-calling, and sarcasm are expressions of contempt.
“Contempt is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about one’s partner, and it arises in the form of an attack on someone’s sense of self,” they explained. Inevitably, contempt leads to more conflict… rather than reconciliation.”
While gentle teasing is rooted in affection, passive-aggressive jokes are a subtle way of letting your spouse know how little you actually care about them.
5. They stop sharing the little things
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People who overlook the little things subtly reveal they regret who they married. As psychologists Dr. John and Dr. Julie Gottman explained, sharing small, everyday moments is how couples stay close, a practice they described as a “bid for connection.”
“A bid for connection can be something really simple, like looking out the window and seeing a beautiful bird in the tree and saying, ‘Hey, honey, look at that bird,” Dr. Julie Gottman said. “It's a very small little step, but it makes a huge difference.”
“If you notice those bids for connection and respond to them, you're really building an emotional bank account in the relationship,” Dr. John Gottman said.
“Couples who were successful turn towards each other's bids for connection 86% of the time,” Dr. Julie Gottman said. “Couples who didn't work out only [did so] 33% of the time.”
6. They don’t express gratitude
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When people regret who they married, they stop appreciating their partner for who they are and start feeling resentful. As YourTango expert Clare Waismann explained, “In the intricate dance of marriage, the little actions can have the most significant impact. One of those small yet profound things is the art of appreciation.”
“Appreciation means regularly expressing gratitude and acknowledgment for your partner's efforts, qualities, and presence in your life. It's about recognizing and valuing the little things they do, the quirks that make them unique, and the love they bring into your world,” she shared.
“When someone feels their efforts are recognized and valued, they're motivated to keep investing in the relationship,” she continued. “This can lead to a positive cycle of striving to make each other happy.”
Withholding gratitude is a clear yet subtle sign that your partner doesn’t actually appreciate you.
7. They avoid making major life decisions
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Part of having a healthy marriage means facing big life decisions together. For every step forward, there are bound to be questions: Should we buy a house? Should we have kids? Should we share a bank account? Couples who truly want to build a life together meet those questions head-on, while people who regret who they married are way more avoidant.
According to a study published in the Journal of Couples and Relationship Therapy, “sliding through relationship transitions… without making a mutual decision to take such steps, may put a relationship more at risk for problems, particularly problems with commitment.”
The study discovered that couples who “reported more thoughtful decision-making processes also reported more dedication to their partners [and] higher satisfaction with the relationship.”
“If an individual fails to make a decision about events or transitions that ultimately affect whether he or she remains in the relationship, it may be hard to follow through in doing the work to make the relationship all it can be,” the researchers concluded.
8. They’re relieved to spend time alone
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While there’s definitely truth to the saying, “Absence makes the heart grow fonder,” people who feel a deep sense of relief when they’re not with their partner reveal that they regret who they married. Finding the right balance between time alone and time together is a crucial part of making a relationship work.
As international relationship expert and dating coach Anna Karimo pointed out, “Alone time is one of the healthiest things for a relationship.”
“Spending time apart gives each person time to decompress, to be themselves, and to be secure with their identity outside of the relationship,” she shared.
“Your identity shouldn’t be completely wrapped up in your relationship… If you don’t maintain your independence, you’ll run the risk of falling into co-dependence, which is a relationship killer,” she explained.
As much harm as co-dependence can cause in a relationship, being hyper-independent isn’t healthy, either.
9. They don’t discuss their dreams for the future
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Maintaining a sense of connection as a couple goes beyond living in the now and staying present. Planning for the future shows that you’re committed for the years to come, which is why keeping your hopes and dreams to yourself is a subtle sign that you regret who you married.
While having your individual goals is incredibly important, happy couples also have shared dreams for what the rest of their lives will look like. The less someone opens up about what they want, the more emotional distance they create.
10. They pull away after conflict
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Conflict is an unavoidable part of any marriage, but the way couples handle conflict says a lot about how they really feel. When people withdraw after a fight, instead of trying to reconnect, it’s their way of revealing that they regret who they married.
According to Dr. John Gottman, “a repair attempt is any statement or action, verbal, physical, or otherwise, meant to diffuse negativity and keep a conflict from escalating.”
“The success or failure of a couple’s repair attempts is one of the primary factors in whether [a] marriage is likely to flourish or flounder,” he shared.
Even when they fight, couples should be able to see the other side of the conflict, and know that they’ll make it through, creating a stronger emotional bond.
11. They pay more attention to other people’s lives
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People who are overly invested in everyone but their own spouse subtly reveal that they regret who they married. Over the course of any relationship, people’s attention gets pulled in different directions.
Having kids usually means spending less time and energy on your own relationship, but if all of your emotional energy goes to other people, until you’re completely depleted, it shows that you’re probably not fulfilled by your marriage.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a freelance writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.
