When Your Partner Makes You Angry, These 6 Rules Will Stop You From Saying Something You’ll Regret
Don't let anger make you say something you can't take back.
tabitha turner | Unsplash Anger can feel like a runaway train — fast, loud, and impossible to stop once it's in motion. Unless immediate steps are taken to control this, it can derail your relationship quickly, leaving behind words you wish you could take back. There are ways to harness your anger without breaking your partner's heart. And you can still have the ability to express yourself without saying something that leaves lasting damage.
Learning how to manage anger in a safe, healthy way is important to the health of your relationship. You don't want to hurt your partner or say something that both of you will regret later on, so by setting a few ground rules for yourself, you can calm down, get clear on what you really want to say, and protect the bond you've worked so hard to build.
When your partner makes you angry, these 6 rules will stop you from saying something you'll regret:
1. Figure out what's really fueling your anger
Most recurring negative emotions have a common root cause that may be deep and unresolved from a long time ago. Be honest with yourself and your partner: What was the initial spark?
Begin with you. Take a deep breath, maybe even three. Increasing oxygen to the brain will help you think more clearly.
Write down two or three possible roots of your anger. Then, write down the emotion connected to that root cause. Take another deep breath.
How do you contribute to the problem? Be honest, because you hold at least a small percentage of responsibility for every issue.
How can you calmly share this with your partner? Sometimes, sharing what you wrote may be more helpful as it cannot be loud, aggressive, or have a tone.
2. Don't let your anger call the shots
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Anger is a hungry beast, looking for more blame and more reasons to justify it. If you know anger is not your friend in these situations, you can begin to control it, rather than letting anger control you. Again, you can take a deep breath and begin to let some of the anger leave your body.
Dr. Lisa Webb advised, "Perspective is always a great thing to seek out when you’re all wrapped up in emotions. Talk about your anger — unload and decompress with a friend. You’ll feel less isolated with your feelings. Plus, remember: you’re not alone. Try to remember that the vast majority of human beings are not malicious or mean-spirited. Most people act on the belief that they are doing the right thing, though sometimes they aren’t a good judge of how their actions impact others."
3. Remember that anger clouds your judgment
The hormones associated with anger are adrenaline and cortisol. These hormones constrict blood flow into your brain.
Anger prevents clarity of thought, narrows down your peripheral vision, and dims your hearing. This can explain why people in an argument do not hear what is said, but what they thought they heard.
4. Think back to better moments in your relationship
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There must have been a time in the relationship that was free and easy. Reflect on that time. How did you act? How did you respond? What actions did you take that were kind?
Maybe even write these reflections down. Can you view your partner through this historical lens?
5. Lead with positive actions, even if you’re not in the mood
You may be thinking, "I have to feel positive, kind, generous, and loving, then I will do the corresponding action." The reality is that taking a kind, generous, loving action will produce positive feelings and emotions.
Marriage counselor Nicola Beer described it as, "A combination of what one person says or does and the other person’s interpretation of the words or actions. It’s the meaning you give it. It’s the combination of what someone says or does and what you bring to the situation in terms of your way of viewing it and how you're feeling."
6. Ask yourself if holding onto anger is worth the fallout
What is your true goal and objective with managing these negative emotions and behaviors? Can you think through the end game?
Usually, the root of anger goes deep into bitterness. John Gottman writes about the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse as criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These "four horsemen" will destroy a relationship.
How can you eliminate these patterns and replace them with healthy, productive communication patterns?
These tips take work, responsibility, and intention to accomplish.
You have a desire to be calm. You have the power to stop anger and choose a different pattern for your relationship. Choose wisely, and stay on track for the sake of your future.
Joan Nosal has been coaching for 30 years, specializing in the area of transitions and relationships. She founded T.R.I Life LLC in 1999 and has conducted workshops and trainings all over the United States.
