How To Have A Happy Marriage, According To 20 Happily Married Men
We rarely hear what makes men happiest in their marriages, so here's what they had to say.
Miguel Serrano Ruiz | Shutterstock Many of us have wondered how to have a happy marriage. Women often discuss it, but happily married men rarely share their views. And yet, those couples you see out in the world, still holding hands and laughing together decades in, clearly know something. My parents have been married for over 30 years, and while I’ve considered asking my dad what makes his marriage to my mom successful, I'm terrified he will answer that there's just no coming back from something like that.
The thing is, we don't hear a lot about relationships like theirs because people in happy marriages don't have issues they feel the need to take to their friends or co-workers for dissection or advice. But science has a few clues. Research from The Gottman Institute shows that the happiest couples rely on "small things often" — simple daily gestures like saying "I love you" or showing appreciation. And studies from Harvard Health Publishing have found that men in fulfilling marriages are happier and more likely to live longer. Regardless, when I came across the question, "Old men of Reddit: What was the key to your successful marriage?" I knew I’d found something rare. Here’s a look at what they said.
How to have a happy marriage, according to 20 happily married men:
1. Argue to understand, not to win
fast-stock | Shutterstock
"When arguing with your spouse, the goal isn't to win the argument. The goal is to solve a problem."
2. Be complete people as individuals
Drazen Zigic | Shutterstock
"The strongest relationships come from two strong, happy individuals coming together, not two broken individuals relying on each other for happiness."
3. Remember that creativity is key
Alexander Shunevich | Shutterstock
"Be creative. Any idiot can throw himself at your wife and worship her. That means nothing. Instead, use your creativity to find new ways to make her life better in ways she could not have thought of. Examples: My wife has trouble falling asleep because her mind races. I've got an encyclopedic knowledge of old computer games.
"So every night when we go to bed, I play old, slightly repetitive video games while she watches. The games I choose are just boring enough that she falls asleep, with her last thoughts usually being about fairies and elves and such. She's out like a light every night now."
4. Prioritize each other
Alexander Shunevich | Shutterstock
"That's the one thing that I've learned from my parents' 34-year marriage. They never prioritized their kids over their relationship. The marriage came first. Always."
5. Let go of selfishness
Alexander Shunevich | Shutterstock
"Always remember that what you do should be to enhance the marriage and your partnership, and not necessarily for yourself. That might be not spending money on yourself, or moving across the country for her job, or picking a location so one person has an easier commute."
6. Respect your partner and marriage, even if it means passing up a "good" joke
Krakenimages.com | Shutterstock
"Don't ever, ever take jabs at her/the marriage in public. No 'ball and chain' jokes, etc."
7. Have each other's backs
Stock-Studio | Shutterstock
"Her corner is your corner. Period. Even if she's crazy wrong, and she will be. Give her your input, try to give her your advice, but there will come days that no matter what you say, she's going to put the car towards the edge of the cliff and drive it right off. When those days come, you buckle your seat belt, you reach out to take her hand, and you go for the ride."
8. Cook for each other
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A | Shutterstock
"Learn to cook. It's not that hard, you can have fun with it, and few things will make you happier than your spouse asking you to make that one dinner that she loves."
9. Reaffirm your commitment regularly
ProWeddingStudio | Shutterstock
"During rough times, and you'll have them, agree that you are in this thing for the long haul and you fully expect to stick it out and make it through to the next round of good times. Say it out loud. Make it known."
10. Check in with each other every day
Leika production | Shutterstock
"When everyone gets home at the end of the day, ask 'How was your day?' Let them vent. When they're done, they should know to ask you the same, so you can vent. Do this without fail."
11. Let them vent
Volodymyr Herasymchuk | Shutterstock
"When they (women) talk about a problem/issue they are having, do not suggest fixes at first. Just let them vent, suggestion time comes later. Guys like to fix things, and don't discuss problems with guys unless they're seeking advice. Women want empathy and commiseration first, then they'll want to discuss solutions."
12. Stay faithful
sashafolly | Shutterstock
"Don't cheat, ever. Retrain your brain to shut off attraction to other people, and don't put yourself in a position to slip. Don't even come close to flirting with other people.
"If you're going out to lunch with a platonic friend of the opposite gender, casually tell your spouse in advance, not to ask permission, but to show respect. Don't lie about what you are doing."
13. Mind your money
Vitalii Vitleo | Shutterstock
"Save money so your later years are easier. Don't waste money on stupid stuff. Put all money, from whatever source, in one pot and talk about how you are spending it (IMO there should be no 'my' or 'your' money when married)."
14. Pick your battles
bedya | Shutterstock
"Don't insult one another. Give a little thing. If she wants you to wear a tie and you don't want to, just wear the darn thing."
15. Be generous with signs of affection
adriaticfoto | Shutterstock
"Cuddle her without needing to take it to the next level of physical intimacy. Hug her a lot. Kiss her on the neck out of the blue when she is cooking something. Tell her you love her more than you think you should."
16. Be each other's best friend
Stivog | Shutterstock
"Be buddies. Romance and dates are nice, but really, be best friends. Flirt. Wink at each other. Banter. It really makes things fun, easy, and awesome. Marriage, with effort and the right person, is incredible."
17. Remember that they are important
dekazigzag | Shutterstock
"She is important. I originally wrote, 'make her feel important'. Then, I changed it to 'make her important'. I think that statement, though, best guides you on the course of action you need to take: she is important. When you come home and she is telling you about your day, get off your phone, stop staring at the computer screen, put down what you're doing, and listen to her.
"Make sure she is acutely aware that for as long as she is talking to you, she is the only thing in your universe — look her in the eye, nod along, ask follow-up questions. If it's date night, leave the phone at home. Don't interrupt her when she's talking.
"Do things for her that require effort. Sometimes, relationships get to be this zero-sum game where you're putting points up on the board, and in those situations, we go for the easy stuff. How much effort, really and truly, did it take you to buy a bouquet of flowers at Trader Joe's while you were there, anyhow, buying spaghetti sauce for dinner? Not saying don't buy flowers, but when you spend your Saturday sweating through your clothes doing something just for her, I've never met a decent woman alive who didn't see you doing it and appreciate the work.
"So many of my friends treat their spouses like an afterthought. Even after years, you have to find ways, every day, to say to her, 'You are important to me.' That's one I've discovered recently, and I wish I had learned it earlier, because it's paid dividends ever since I started making it a focus."
18. Retain your individuality
GalacticDreamer | Shutterstock
"Make sure you get plenty of time apart, time for yourself. Schedule guys' nights. Take up hobbies and stay active in them. You are a person, not some messed-up Siamese twin. For your sanity, to quell resentment and impatience, to soothe irritations, just get away from each other sometimes."
19. Kiss like you mean it
oneinchpunch | Shutterstock
"Never kiss her halfway. I think 'don't do anything half-way' is some grade-A solid wisdom, but if you're gonna', kissing your wife is the dead rock bottom of that list. If you're gonna' kiss her, do it right, with all of you, with your hands and your arms.
"Do it like you mean it, every single time, not for the sake of anything else save the simple fact that a kiss between you and your wife is the simplest way to say you love her, and you refuse to love her lazily."
20. Marry the right person
Jurij Krupiak | Shutterstock
"My spouse and I have been together almost a decade now, through some intense Lifetime movie of the week stuff, and we're still swingin'. I owe a lot of that to her; I like to think of myself like some more handsome Confuscious the older I get, but the truth is, we would have never gotten to where we are now, with me armed with the tiny bits of wisdom I've summoned, if not for her infinite patience.
"So, I suppose, my first bit of advice would be to get lucky and hook a good one, who's willing to put up with you while you grow up and learn to be a man."
Rebecca Jane Stokes is a writer and editor who covers relationships, pop culture, psychology, and news for Newsweek, Psych Central, Bustle, and more.
