If You've Ever Wondered Whether It's Love Or Loneliness Keeping You Together, These 11 Signs Will Tell You
Sometimes it's better to be alone than be in a relationship where the love is gone.
Just Life | Shutterstock Love can be such a beautiful thing to experience. Not only do you get to enjoy life with someone else, but it means you don't have to be alone anymore. It's so easy to cling to a relationship that's familiar and easy rather than deciding to sever ties and face the world on your own. The tricky part is that the fear of loneliness will often manifest as love because you just don't want to accept the truth. So, instead, you hang on to this person and the relationship even if it isn't working.
But whether it's staying because of nostalgia or feeling invisible around your partner, if you've ever wondered whether it's love or loneliness keeping you together, these signs will tell you. Likely, you tell yourself that everything is fine because it's easier than admitting you're staying for the wrong reasons. But once you're able to recognize the signs, you can not only start to understand your feelings better, you can finally make the right choice that puts yourself and your happiness first.
If you've ever wondered whether it's love or loneliness keeping you together, these 11 signs will tell you
1. Your conversations feel forced
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Talking to your partner may not feel the same that it used to. In the beginning, you two shared laughs all the time and had a mix of deep conversations and lighthearted discussions that left you feeling fulfilled. However, now you're beginning to notice that it feels as if you're pulling teeth just to have a simple conversation with them.
"Carefree talks create a relational reservoir full of playfulness, silliness, and even outrageousness. They expand your relational world with new images, stories, memories, inventions, and synergistic creations that will enrich your relationship and serve as shortcuts to intimate friendship," explained licensed clinical social worker Assael Romanelli.
When conversations suddenly start feeling hollow, as if they're missing something, it's usually a sign that something is missing. As much as you try to ignore it, there's no just sweeping it under the rug. Because if you've ever wondered whether it's love or loneliness keeping you together, the way your conversations go will tell you.
2. You stay because you don't want to start over
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Ending things in a relationship can feel as if you're willingly throwing yourself off of a cliff and not knowing what's going to come once you reach the bottom. The thought of building a new life from scratch after you've spent so much time with one person can feel terrifying.
You might think there's nothing better out there for you, and this is the best you can get. However, that's not true at all. Loneliness has a way of tricking your brain into thinking that it's better to be comfortable than take a risk.
There's nothing better than starting over and discovering more about yourself that you may not have been able to discover while you were with that person. There's always more life to live and you shouldn't just stay in a relationship that isn't serving you just because you think you can't handle life alone. You would be surprised at what you're capable of.
3. You prioritize avoiding conflict rather than resolving issues
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You care more about side-stepping arguments than you do to fix the problems at hand. You'd much rather sweep things under the rug and go on your merry way than actually sit down and get to the root of what's going on. Maybe in your mind, you know that once you actually sit down with your partner, the two of you will realize that it might be better to go your separate ways.
"Conflict triggers your nervous system to go into fight-or-flight. But here's what happens when you consistently avoid it: You start holding in resentment. Small annoyances become big betrayals because they never got addressed when they were small," licensed therapist John Kim pointed out.
It's the fear of rocking the boat that keeps the two of you just walking on eggshells around each other and hoping the problems will just fix themselves. The problem with this mentality is that it won't get fixed at all. The only thing that will happen is the issues will get worse and worse until suddenly what could've been an amicable breakup turns messy really fast.
4. You notice yourself daydreaming about being single
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While it's normal to have fleeting thoughts about your independence in a relationship, what's not normal is constantly daydreaming about not dating them at all and just being single. When these thoughts are frequent, they end up feeling a lot more exciting than the relationship itself.
Those imagined moments of solitude suddenly feel so much more fulfilling than the routine you have with your significant other. But, of course, the loneliness might be keeping you from actually taking that leap.
If you're yearning for a different life, it's up to you to take it, even if it means being alone in the process. If not, you'll just start withdrawing from your partner altogether and feeling restless because your mind is just somewhere else entirely.
5. You compromise your needs more than you express them
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You might tell yourself that you're just keeping your issues out of the relationship and being a good partner by not making everything about yourself. But what you may fail to realize is that by not voicing your needs, nothing will ever get better.
You shouldn't ever feel as if your needs are something of an inconvenience, and neither should your partner. They aren't a mind-reader, and the only way that you can feel fulfilled and appreciated is by having these discussions on what you expect from them and what you need support on.
"Instead of asking, 'Am I asking too much?' try flipping the question and ask, 'Am I asking too much of this partner?' Your desire for connection is a good thing, but not all partners are available to give it," psychologist Lindsay Jernigan explained.
They can show up in their own ways, but those ways might not be what you want or need. Love is never about giving yourself up completely and abandoning the things that matter to you. Healthy relationships are all about being seen and connected, not about putting your needs on the back-burner.
A relationship should never come at the cost of your own well-being, and if it does, it might be time to navigate the world on your own and eventually find someone who will be everything you need them to be.
6. Emotional support comes from friends rather than your partner
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While there's nothing wrong with getting emotional support from friends while you're in a relationship, you should be also getting it from your partner as well. If you find yourself going to your friends about issues that you're having with your partner and they're the ones comforting you, or even if you're just going to them for regular issues that you're facing, and they uplift you, but you can't get that same treatment from the person you're in a relationship with, that's usually a problem.
"Your dreams and aspirations are a reflection of who you are and what you value. Even when support is lacking, staying true to your passions and priorities is an act of self-respect. Trust in your ability to overcome challenges and create the life you envision for yourself," encouraged leadership coach James M. Kerr.
Your partner should be able to support you and have your back in the same way that your friends do. You should be able to go to them for anything and everything without feeling as if you're asking for too much or feeling like some kind of burden.
Emotional support is something that can't be compromised on when you're in a relationship. It should just be given in the same way that you give it to them.
7. You rely on them for comfort not joy
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The presence of your partner may ease your anxiety and help with feelings of loneliness, but they aren't actually making you happy. Comfort just feels safe in the moment, but it's not the same as the excitement that love can bring.
You might depend on them to be there for you during hard moments and be a shoulder to lean on when you need them to. So, the thought of tackling that alone can feel overwhelming and debilitating.
But if the only reason you're with someone is for the comfort they bring you, that might mean you need to find that comfort for yourself. It means you need to learn how to show up for yourself, and you won't be able to do that if you don't take a leap and try to navigate living without them.
8. You stay because of nostalgia
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When you're only depending on the "good old days" to stay with your partner, it may be time to actually have a conversation with yourself about what you're holding on to. The early memories of the times that you had with your partner may be fun to reminisce on, but it shouldn't be the only reason that you decide to stay with them.
If you've ever wondered whether it's love or loneliness keeping you together, feeling nostalgic will reveal the truth. But the danger of nostalgia is that it convinces you that it's enough, but if you're not making any new memories that are just as meaningful and happy, then the past can't be the only thing keeping you there.
You should be staying for the person that you see in front of you right now, not the person that might have existed when you first got together.
9. You feel more bored than excited
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Rather than looking forward to seeing them and spending time together, you have this pit in your stomach that might not have been there in the beginning.
You zone out in their presence rather than being engaged, and when they're talking, you find yourself scrolling on your phone or looking out of the window. When the interactions that you're having with your partner feel stale, it means that the spark might actually be gone.
"The damaging effects of boredom-like states in relationships (e.g., disillusionment, stagnation) have long been underscored by clinicians working one-on-one with couples. Common features of these boredom-like relationship states include apathy, lack of delight (fun and laughter), and feelings of confinement," said relationship expert Cheryl Harasymchuk.
But because you might be someone who's genuinely afraid of being alone, you convince yourself that the spark can come back. And while that might be true in some cases, it's not true for everyone. You should feel longing to see them, not indifference. Absence should make the heart grow fonder, not more distant.
10. You excuse selfish behavior
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Rather than addressing their selfish behavior, like the fact that they cancel plans last minute or that they can't seem to prioritize your needs at all, you rationalize it. This pattern of tolerating behavior that you know you don't deserve is only doing you a disservice in the end.
A good partner will never make you second-guess their actions, and if you have a problem with it, they'll take the necessary steps to remedy it. And if you've ever wondered whether it's love or loneliness keeping you together, this is perhaps one of the most telling signs.
They won't ever make you feel as if you're asking for too much. But the fear of loneliness is tricky like that. It can have you feeling like you can just put up with this kind of behavior rather than try to see what it's like to walk away and eventually find someone you won't have to beg to be a decent partner.
11. You feel invisible in your own relationship
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Anytime you share your thoughts and feelings, it feels as if you're being brushed aside and dismissed. It makes you feel as if your presence doesn't even really matter when it should to the person that you're closest to.
You shouldn't ever have to question your value in a relationship. It should be a given that you're treated with the respect you deserve, especially when you're treating that person with love and appreciation everyday, all day long.
"A person who feels invisible, ashamed, and afraid to say how she really feels in her relationship may be with an emotionally unavailable partner. The problem is not that she is unworthy of love. The issue may be that her partner can’t sustain closeness," psychotherapist Erin Leonard insisted.
Being invisible in your own relationship might be a sign that there's no love here anymore, at least not the kind that matters. You should be strict about the kind of treatment that you're getting in your relationship, and you shouldn't ever compromise that.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.
