Women Who Have A Hard Time Forgiving People As They Get Older Usually Have These 11 Reasons
Life experiences can make forgiveness harder for some women.
Krakenimages.com | Shutterstock Some women have a hard time forgiving people as they get older. This is usually the result of several reasons. Life experiences and the view that these women have of themselves can be major triggers that cause them to struggle not only with forgiving others but also with forgiving themselves.
Many times, these women will have developed misconceptions about what forgiving other people really means. They may believe that it means they are taking the responsibility off of their offender or that they have to forget the offense ever even happened. This is most certainly not the case, and actually, by forgiving others, they are able to pursue peace of mind and positively contribute to their overall well-being.
Women who have a hard time forgiving people as they get older usually have these 11 reasons
1. Accumulated hurt
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As women get older, they may find it harder to forgive people. This may be due to the years of hurt that have built up within them, causing them to want to protect themselves from being hurt even more.
According to Blue Moon Senior Counseling, a team of licensed therapists who provide counseling and psychotherapy to seniors, “As we age, forgiving others can feel more complicated than it did when we were younger. This is not just because we’ve lived longer but because each year adds more experiences and memories that shape how we see the world and ourselves.”
If a woman feels a low sense of self due to all the pain she has endured throughout her life, forgiving can start to feel impossible.
2. She feels a need to protect her self-esteem
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As some women get older, they may find it more difficult to forgive others. This may be due to the need they have to protect their self-esteem.
If she feels as though her self-worth is reliant on her feelings of being wronged by others, she will hold grudges and have a hard time letting go of her anger and bitterness. As women get older, it is common for their self-esteem to take a hard hit as they navigate the physical and emotional changes that occur due to aging. This only makes them want to protect their self-esteem and self-identity even more.
3. Too many memories
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Some women may find it harder to forgive others as they get older. This can be due to their long-term memory storing years upon years of past pain. The emotional impact that these painful experiences have on a woman’s memory can make it difficult for her to recall the more positive experiences, so she is more likely to hold grudges when the majority of what she can remember are hurtful memories.
Older women will typically be better at regulating their emotions. However, this may still lead them to choose to cut certain people out of their lives, rather than needing to forgive them, in order to protect their feelings.
4. Persistent anger and resentment
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If a woman experiences years of persistent anger and resentment, she may find that, as she gets older, she has a harder time forgiving others. If she has been hurt deeply in the past and it has been a continuous experience, she may start believing that people do not change and therefore do not deserve forgiveness.
This will cause her to feel like holding a grudge is justified behavior, but in order to truly feel at peace with her past pain, she has to understand that forgiveness is not about the changed behavior of the person causing the pain.
“Getting another person to change isn't the point of forgiveness. It's about focusing on what you can control in the here and now. Think of forgiveness more about how it can change your life by bringing you peace, happiness, and emotional and spiritual healing,” according to Mayo Clinic.
5. Fear of being hurt again in the future
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If a woman has experienced what seems like an endless pattern of betrayal and pain caused by others, she may find it hard to forgive as she gets older. This is likely due to the fear she has developed of future hurt.
A woman who wants to forgive, but finds it difficult because she knows she cannot forget how she has been wronged, should start to understand that forgiveness does not mean forgetting. Instead, she should focus on where she puts her attention in order to keep her past pains from dictating her future.
“If you choose to engage with and elaborate on these spontaneous memories of your offender or the offense, you will make it more likely that similar thoughts and memories arise in the future. On the other hand, if you acknowledge them but then choose to re-focus your attention elsewhere, you will make it less likely that these memories will intrude on you in the future,” mentions Nick Wignall, a board-certified clinical psychologist.
6. Difficulty separating facts from emotions
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As women get older, some may find that they have a harder time forgiving others due to their struggles with separating facts and emotions. They may realize that it is beneficial to forgive others because holding grudges negatively impacts their well-being, but their emotions won’t let them forgive.
By replaying their painful experiences in their mind, their emotions get deeper and deeper, making it hard for them to think rationally. This may lead to mental anguish, and it makes it incredibly difficult for them to ever achieve peace from the mental suffering caused by others.
7. Need for clear apologies
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Some women, as they get older, have a hard time forgiving others without getting a clear apology first. With age can come a newfound sense of worth and a need for closure and peace.
If a woman has developed a deeper understanding of her self-worth and needs closure in order to forgive and move on from past hurtful experiences, she may require an apology from the person who hurt her. However, they may be misunderstanding how impactful their own actions can be toward gaining closure.
“You might feel like you're rewarding the other person or giving them power in the situation when you show forgiveness. However, it gives you the power to react to the situation with compassion, and it rewards you by being able to move on,” according to Bethesda Senior Living Communities, a nonprofit organization dedicated to providing seniors with high-quality and affordable care.
8. Viewing forgiveness as a complex process
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If a woman develops the view that forgiveness is a complex process as she gets older, she may find it more difficult to forgive others. The more painful experiences she has had, the more she may begin to fear being vulnerable, and she may develop misconceptions about forgiveness.
She may start believing that the process of forgiveness is so complex because it requires her to condone the hurtful thing that someone did to her. However, the process of forgiveness is more about allowing her to let go of any bitterness. It does not mean she is letting the offender “off the hook.” She can still hold the person accountable while forgiving them for her own mental and emotional well-being.
9. Difficulty forgiving herself
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When a woman struggles with self-forgiveness as she gets older, she may find it difficult to forgive others. If she finds it hard to provide herself with grace for her flaws or the image she has of herself, showing grace and forgiveness to others is less likely.
Forgiveness would require her to be vulnerable. She would have to be willing to face the possibility of making the same mistakes again or the person she is struggling to forgive hurting her again. This can be difficult, so some women may choose to hold grudges against others and themselves.
10. Internalizing problems
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Internalizing problems can lead to rumination. This can make it very difficult for older women who struggle with internalizing problems to forgive others.
If a woman constantly dwells on all the bad things that have happened to her and all the negative ways people have treated her, these thoughts will start to impact her self-identity. The grudges she holds become a part of her identity, and it can cause her to fear forgiveness because she views it as a threat to her identity.
11. Her identity is strongly dependent on her relationships
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A woman whose identity is dependent on the quality of her relationships will likely have difficulty forgiving others as she gets older. Her sense of self and identity is so heavily reliant on her connections that any behaviors from others that stand in the way of maintaining certain relationships will cause her to feel resentment.
Conflicts cause a threat to her identity, and it makes it hard for her to forgive the people who make her feel like she cannot rely on certain relationships. While not all women struggle with forgiving others, some do. Life experiences and other traits can influence the way older women view forgiveness, and this can dictate whether they find it easy or hard to practice.
Kamryn Idol is a writer with a bachelor's degree in media and journalism who covers lifestyle, relationship, family, and wellness topics.
