How To Get A Grip On A Crush You Know You Shouldn't Have

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Love, Self

A crush you know you shouldn’t have—will you crush it and make it okay or will it crush you?

You can’t help who you feel attracted to and develop a crush on. You’re human and chemically wired to notice others and feel attraction. You take your chemistry wherever you go.

While it’s true that people in satisfying relationships are less likely to struggle with crush-like feelings, it happens.

Whether you are happily or unhappily married, or single and dating someone or not, a crush you know you shouldn' t have is a challenge. Why?

  • Your crush could be someone at work you’re spending a lot of time with on a project and you or he/she is already committed.
  • It’s a friend’s spouse.
  • It’s with your boss or another co-worker.
  • It’s someone who is looking only for recreational relationships and you’re single and interested in a committed relationship.
  • It’s an escape from dealing with grief or some other difficulty in your life.

RELATED: How To End An Inappropriate Crush (That You Shouldn't Have Anyway)


So now what?

Learn 3 ways on how to get a grip and get over a crush who, deep down, you know you shouldn't have:

1. Do an inventory of not only your current sexual/intimacy needs but all your needs.

Know that this crush says more about you than anyone else. So, take a long, honest look at your personal needs In the context of this crush. Ask yourself: "How am I feeling about myself these days?"

If your answer is great, then good for you. You’re in a good place. Pause and consider what’s great. Are you celebrating a promotion or succeeding at losing weight/working out and looking good? It’s natural for your positivity to attract attention.

If your answer is closer to the not so great, then pause and reflect on why. Are you struggling with a relationship issue, feeling ignored, or some other heartbreak? Are you dealing with a loss, whether it is an actual death of someone or a loss of a dream that’s difficult to manage?

Ask yourself: "How am I taking care to get my current sexual/intimacy needs met?"

It’s possible your sexual activity is good and there isn’t enough affection or meaningful conversation outside the bedroom. You may be happy with both sexual and intimate aspects of your relationship but need something else to satisfy the loneliness you feel.

A crush you know you shouldn't have is pregnant with all kinds of information you are wise to consider.


RELATED: There Are 5 Types Of Love, And Only One Is Worth Fighting For


2. Apply the cost/rewards relationship formula.

Here’s the relationship formula:

  • Do the rewards (with this person) outweigh the costs or do the costs (of being in this relationship-crush) outweigh the rewards?
  • Am I willing to pay the costs?
  • Are there new skills I’m willing to learn to offset the costs?

Here’s an example: She realizes the attraction she feels towards her teacher is not appropriate. He’s attached to someone else and besides, she’s married and loves her husband. Yet, she looks forward to class, enjoys the attention and goes out for coffee after class with him often. Her husband knows where she is. She’s shared her admiration for the teacher and her husband is encouraging.

The rewards: she feels important, loves the intellectual challenge, and the extra attention to her work. There is a possibility for a teaching assistant position and she’s a top choice.

The costs: It’s embarrassing at times for her because she’s older and he’s younger. She knows her attraction to him is strong and while he is polite and charming to her, her feelings aren't reciprocated.

New skills to offset the costs: She enjoys the rewards of her relationship. She can take time to grieve (and appreciate) the changes through aging so she can achieve enhanced self-acceptance, feel great about her talents and confidently navigate social and professional relationships with ease.

3. Talk with your partner before a crush you shouldn't have ever has a chance of happening.

I have a friend who told her husband, "I must tell you, Joe. I’m beginning to seriously notice some other guys out there." His response to her was, "Well, we can’t have that!"

They talked and stirred up some romantic fun. Sounds good, doesn't it?

I know they had already discussed approaches they want to take when one or the other is unhappy or bored. They know that being dynamic individuals, they are bound to become restless or fall into a routine as a couple. They promised to let the other know when they feel taken for granted or interested in someone else.

If you have had the conversation with your partner, great! If not, get to it.

If you’re not in a relationship, talk with a relationship coach/therapist in your area. It helps to put words to your thoughts and feelings in a confidential, judgment-free environment. Try it.

You’re alive and have a crush on someone you know you shouldn't. Make it okay by dealing with it honestly and compassionately.

Do an inventory of your needs, apply the rewards/costs formula, think about new skills to learn and talk it over with someone you can trust.

It’s all about caring for yourself, being self-aware, making informed choices and accepting the consequences of those choices.

A crush you know you shouldn't have — will you crush it and make it okay or will it crush you?

What opportunities exist when getting a grip on a crush you know you shouldn't have?


RELATED: What It's Really Like To Have A Crush On A Married Woman


Mary Franz is a Couple’s Therapist, Critical Incident Responder, and training as a Mental Health Neutral in Collaborative Law Teams. Need to talk about a personal or business relationship challenge? Visit her website and ask for a complimentary strategy session.

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