Are Nice Girls Losing Out In The Online Dating Game?


Bridget Jones' writer says yes but here's how nice girls can still win in online dating.

A recent article highlighted that Bridget Jones’ Diary author Helen Fielding decided to do some research for her upcoming book, in which she set up two online dating profiles. One she describes as being a sexy vixen with the name "super lucky bitch," who writes in her profile that men would be "lucky to get a date" with her. The other online dating profile was for a more sensible nice girl, wearing a sweater and states that she loves to cook. Fielding says it's obvious who got the most emails.

Now if you're a nice girl reading this, I don't want you to feel like you're losing out based on this anecdotal evidence. There are some points here that nice girls can learn from and some important things to keep in mind about what this story actually proves.

1. Put your attractive foot forward.

Since when are nice girls not attractive? I tell you what — every grandma is right when she says every pot has a lid. For every woman out there, there is a man who finds her attractive. Is it true that some rules of attraction are more conventional and/or socially perpetuated? Absolutely. But don't think for one second that doesn't mean that some man won't find you attractive. If the kind of man you're interested in is attracted to a certain kind of woman, you can wear the clothes, makeup, exercise routine that lends to that if that's what you choose. Either way, decide what version of attractive works for you and who you want to attract, and then play your assets.

2. Confidence and niceness are not mutually exclusive.

There's this fallacy of a posture that confidence and niceness are mutually exclusive. I don't care if your favorite activities are sewing and baking, be confident in them and a man will find that attractive. You are who you are. Take pride in that and you can let that show through in your online dating profile.

3. Think like your audience.

Think about that man whom you want to send you online dating messages. Then try to get in his brain and think like him. What would prompt him to contact you? Compare that with what you have to offer and make sure that those points are in your online dating profile. If you want a guy who's active and wants and active partner, make sure that is obvious in your dating profile.

4. More messages doesn’t necessarily mean more success in online dating.

Some men are naturally programmed to think with their downstairs head. I call it picking with your penis. If a woman has a sexualized profile that appeals to a man's penis, and so he feels inclined to message her, that does not mean that she has better chances of meeting a man to fall in love with. She's finding men that want a sexual relationship. Think about who would respond to whom — what kind of men are messaging the nasty bitch? Are these the men you want to be messaging you? Just because someone gets a lot of messages doesn't make them a better online dater — there are notoriously lots of creeps in online dating sending sexualized messages. Don't feel bad if you’re not one of the women on the receiving end of those (unless you want them).

5. Do your own testing.

You can use your own testing methods to see what gets results from the men you're interested in. You don't have to feel stuck with whatever profile you've made for yourself. You're not married and you're equally not married to your profile. If you feel like positioning yourself in a more vixen like way to see what kind of responses you'll get, do it. If you want to try more of a good girl approach, there are no online dating police to stop you. 

Your dating profile is yours to play with so make sure you put your best foot forward. Make sure you're honest about who you are and want you want and the right person will come along with the same goals and likes. And don't get discouraged if you have to try to rotate your profile picture to start attracting the right type of man!

More dating coach advice on YourTango: