8 Things To Keep In Mind When Being Single Starts To Get You Down

Photo: weheartit
8 Empowering Thoughts When Being Single Feels Lonely
Love, Self

It's OK to feel lonely sometimes, but being single is not a curse!

First, take a few deep, slow breaths and don’t panic. As you well know, life is not a race, and there is always time (even if it feels like there isn't). Of course, it’s more important to get it right then to keep up with your friends. 

Your anxiety is only doing its job — to get your attention. That’s all.

That said, recognizing and listening to your anxiety is smart and exactly what you’re supposed to do. Your worries about your future are important and real to you. Avoiding them all together isn't going to help, but changing how you think about them very much will.

It’s not your worry about your future that’s the problem, it’s how you’re thinking about it.

Here are 8 empowering thoughts when being single feels lonely that can help turn your mindset around. A positive mindset can help stave off some of the most common cognitive pitfalls of loneliness:

1. Nothing is wrong with you.

Even if your life isn’t a carbon copy of your closest friends, this doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. As you grow out of the lockstep milestones of school and into the diverse landscape of adulthood, differences between you and your friends will become more pronounced.

Expectations broaden, values become more important, and life gets complicated. No longer are you and your friends doing everything together — far from it, you are keenly aware of being on your own. And this can be nerve-wracking.

It is normal to ask yourself if you are on track for what is important to you in life, but this doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you if you are uncomfortable. It means you are normal. Yes, normal. 


RELATED: 4 Reasons You're Still Single (Even Though You Desperately Want To Find Love)


2. There are single people still out there.

Sure all your friends might suddenly be in relationships, but that doesn’t mean there are no more single people to hang out with or meet. It means you haven’t met them yet.

The best cure for loneliness is to foster and cultivate more relationships. Remember, relationships do not have to be romantic to be deeply satisfying, and friendships can be good practice for romantic relationships

3. Beauty is as beauty does.

Attractiveness has more do with self-care than with innate physical beauty. Studies show that people are more attracted to happiness and confidence than they are to looks alone. Sure, your looks matter, but what you do with them is infinitely more predictive of relationship success.

4. Stay in your lane.

It’s easy to fear that you are behind in some life race, and will never catch up to your friends, but nothing can ruin your intrinsic motivation faster than comparing yourself to others.

Noted shame expert and swimmer, Brene Brown, highlights the toxicity of social comparison through this common swimming strategy — to stay focused on your race, rather than the people around you.

Sure, it’s important to notice what is going on in the world around you — this helps keep you aware — but your friends’ lives really have nothing to do with yours, except in how they reflect what you may want.

5. Life is not a race.

It also can be particularly important to remember that life is not a race at all, and there is no master time-keeper. Yes, life is finite, as are many outcomes of our choices, but life is also unpredictable, and precious.

What matters most to living a satisfying life is finding happiness in the journey, rather than the destination, which leads us to positive thought number 


RELATED: A Guy's Message To Single Women: Relax (Your Life Is Going To Be Just Fine!)


6. You need to be happy so you can share your happiness with someone else.

Relationships don’t make us happy, they are vehicles for us to share our happiness. It sounds almost cliché, but no one can make you happy but you. If you are looking for someone to make you happy, you aren’t looking for a relationship so much as you are looking for an escape.

Not sure what happiness booster makes the most sense for you? No one describes the research behind happiness improvement strategies better than Sonja Lyubomirsky, author of The How of Happiness.

7. You can be satisfied with being alone.

There is no shame in being alone unless you buy into the myth that there is. People judge you for what you do and how you behave, not for whether you are alone or accompanied. Instead of focusing on your attachment status, why not focus on your behavior (something you can readily do something about).

Are you friendly? Do you engage with people around you, or are you aloof, reserved, or always on your phone? If you want connection, focus on connecting with people.

8. It’s OK if you may not want to do what you need to do.

There is always something you can do, but that doesn’t mean it’s what you want to do. In fact, we seldom want to do what we need to do, and this in itself can drive up anxiety, making it even harder to get traction. So if taking action scares you, notice this, and adjust your approach.

Rather than shoving yourself into new behavior, or backing off completely, try instead to be gentle with yourself without letting yourself off the hook. It’s the old "get more bees with honey" approach and it works.

If the best outlet for your anxiety is taking smart action towards your goals, sometimes the work is in figuring out how to get yourself to a place where you are willing to start.

Remember, anxiety’s job is to remind you of the things you care about most and nudge you towards reaching for your goals more effectively. Yes, it does its job the dirty way — by making us uncomfortable — but that doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing.

Anxiety is only the messenger. What you do with anxiety is the real question at hand. When it comes to worries about where we are in life, where we are going, and if we are on track, nothing is more important to pay attention to.

Only you can hear and use your anxiety for its ultimate purpose: driving you towards success in the things you care about most.


RELATED: The Huge Mistake Strong Women Make That Keeps Them Single


Dr. Alicia Clark is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist. Not sure how to hear and use your anxiety effectively? Check out Dr. Clark's website, download her e-book, or sign up for her newsletter for more helpful tools and resources.

This article was originally published at Dr Alicia Clark's blog. Reprinted with permission from the author.