3 Mistakes To Stop Making If You Want A Grown-Up Love Story

Love, Heartbreak

Stopping yourself from making these three mistakes with men can change your life!

Let's face it: You are an awesome, capable, exceptional woman, we ALL are, but we're getting kinda old and we've been doing, thinking and believing the wrong things about ourselves and about men for a very long time. You can do what I finally did: Let go of all the old thoughts, habits, and behaviors that have been getting in the way of what you want most in your life: a loving, committed man.

Whether you're dating or already in a relationship, stopping yourself from making these three mistakes can literally change your life:

The 3 Stupid Things You Should Stop Doing If You Want to Fall in Love (and STAY in Love) after 40:

  1. Dump Your Desire to Be Dazzled

We all have different things that do it for us. You know, that thing that gives you butterflies when you finally meet a guy who has it. Maybe he has that special sense of humor, maybe it's his intellect or his looks. This is the thing that when you find this in a guy you get giddy and start projecting into the future…your future…together.

Whatever your thing is, even though you are over 40 or in your boomer or senior years, it's likely coming from your inner 18 year old. When you meet a man with The Thing, you feel instant chemistry. You also often overlook other things that may make him a terrible match for you.

If this is how you're still making relationship choices, then you are not a grown-up woman looking for a good husband—you're an 18 year old looking for a BUZZ.

Think about what dazzles you. Is it something to do with him being the guy who has your back and makes you feel loved and safe? Or is it about immediate gratification and feeling good in the moment? The difference is between a temporary thrill and a loving, solid, grown-up relationship.

  1. Stop Expecting Men To Take All The Risks

Here is what that looks like when we're making the man do all the work:

  • "If he’' interested he'll show it and I’'l know it."
  • "If he really cares about me he'll know what I want."
  • "I’'m not going to tell him that I care about him until he says it first."
  • "I never make the first move."

Well, let me tell you about grown-up men. These guys (the ones you actually want!) have achieved success in life and they know how to get what they want. If they think you are unattainable or uninterested they won't spend time or energy on something (or someone) they can't win. And they certainly aren't interested in doing all the work. Are you?

"The Rules" are out, sister. Making him chase you not only doesn't fly with grown-up dating, it turns off the smart, commitment-minded men you want. These men are not into playing games or climbing your "wall of I dare you." (That was the name of my wall. I talk more about it in my eBook Confessions of the World's Worst Dater.)

Like you, mature men who are dating want to meet someone nice and have an easy time getting to know her. And like you, most hope to meet a partner who will share the rest of their great life. But they don't want to—nor do they have to—work like a dog to get it.

Now I want you to ask yourself a couple questions:

  • Do I expect men to do all or most of the work?
  • Could I be using this belief as an excuse to not put myself out there and risk rejection?
  1. Stop Doing The Same Thing Over And Over And Expecting Different Results 

I'm going to assume that you've been dating the same way and having the same type of relationships with men for years and years. Why? Maybe you're not trying to do things differently because you just don't know what else to do. Maybe it's because it feels safe and familiar. Maybe you're just stuck in a been-there-done-that rut.

Doing things the same way is standing still…or actually worse because it seems you're working really hard and getting nowhere. Right? Well that is a feeling I knew well for many years, and it sucks!

I suggest you stay in motion. Seek out new experiences. Learn things, do things that put you in a position to meet your man. Read, attend courses and seminars, learn from others who have achieved what you want (umm…h-e-l-l-o!), learn techniques to help you stay positive and hopeful, get online, tell friends you are open to meeting someone…do something every single day that keeps you positive and hopeful and improves your chances of attracting Your Man.

I finally found love at age 47. That means I spent about 30 years feeling frustrated as I flailed away at dating before I met and married my spectacular man. I feel special and loved every single day, and our time together has been the best of my life.

It's been a real revelation seeing the changes in my life as I've discovered and made these shifts; and it's opened my eyes and my heart to this incredible grown-up love story I'm living. It's safe to say, this journey has been my own personal Romance Revolution.

How did I do this? In my early 40s I decided I had to figure out the man-thing. I began a journey of education. I learned more about myself, men and relationships. And here's what I came to find out:

The challenge isn't necessarily the new things we have to learn but the old stuff we have to un-learn!

A step in the wrong direction is better than staying on the spot all your life. Once you move forward you can correct your course as you go. Your automatic guidance system cannot guide you when you're standing still.  –Maxwell Matz

Bobbi Palmer, founder of Date Like A Grownup, is an internationally recognized Expert helping women over 40 find grownup, lasting, passionate love with the right man. As a first time bride at 47, Bobbi shares in her free video series "The 4 Devastating Mistakes Women in their Search for Love" at DateLikeaGrownup.com.

More dating tips on YourTango: