5 Ways To Fall Back In Love When Your Relationship Gets Boring

Photo: getty
5 Steps to Lift the “Winter Blahs” in your Relationship

Wake up everything that made you fall in love in the first place.

Allison was exasperated because she had just picked a fight with Mark, her husband of 7 years, when he came through the door that evening and walked past her without saying a word.

And it wasn’t the first time this had happened.

She wasn't feeling connected with him and felt bored with their relationships, angry, and irritated all at the same time but didn’t know how to stop or change it.

While it was tempting to blame Mark, somewhere inside her, Allison could sense that something bigger was going on.

There could be a thousand different names for what Allison was experiencing and one of them is what we call the "winter blahs" of a relationship and it can happen any time of the year.

It’s what happens when you continually feel disconnected from your partner, maybe having ongoing fights that aren’t resolved or general discontent with your relationship.

If you’re having the winter blahs (which is just a way to describe stuck thinking), here are 5 ways you can make the shift from being bored with a relationship to a happier, healthier relationship, no matter what time of year it is (and maybe even fall in love again):

1. Stop the blame game.

When you hold onto and believe fearful thought patterns, it’s easy to point the finger at whoever is closest to you and blame them.

When you realize blame doesn’t solve anything, you can take yourself out of the struggle and settle into a sense of calm about what is actually going on. If the blame game is going on in your relationship, stop and look at the facts about what’s happening and what you are making up about what’s happening.

Allison realized she had been telling herself that Mark didn’t love her like he used to and she had been punishing him without him even knowing why. When she stopped making up stories about a fearful future without him, she realized that she had been the one pulling away from him.

When she stopped blaming him for not loving her like he used to, she began to see him and their relationship in a more positive light.

2. Look for connection, even small moments, that does happen with your partner and focus on what’s going right.

In relationships, it’s really easy to focus on what’s going wrong and repeatedly relive those times in your mind. When you begin to focus on moments of connection, no matter how small, those are the times that can grow.

Allison realized that there were times when she actually felt close to Mark, especially when they were preparing meals together. In fact, because she had been so preoccupied with what she was telling herself was wrong with him and their relationship, she completely missed opportunities to just talk with him about things that used to connect them.

With her eyes now open to possibilities, she was open to seeing times when he put his arms around her waist and pulled her close — as well as times he wanted to talk with her.

3. Give love to yourself.

If the winter blahs are swamping you, find pleasure in what you’re doing and think of it as loving yourself. It could be something as simple as taking a bath, cooking a meal, or taking a walk in the woods.

When you’re present to what you’re doing and not in some swirling thought storm, you will be able to focus on the pleasure you’re having in that moment.

Allison loved walking in the woods behind their home but lately, her fearful, angry thoughts had drowned out the pleasure she used to have.

When she cleared her mind and just focused on the here and now, she could feel pleasure again and know that she could let go of love’s winter blahs.

RELATED: 6 Ways To Make Your Boring Relationship Feel Like New Again

4. Be open to having fun again.

When couples have been together for awhile and life has gotten in the way, they tend to forget how to have fun together.

In living their lives, they forget to make room for fun, even though what was fun in the past may or may not be fun now. But something might be!

Since both Allison and Mark used to love to watch movies together, one night she suggested they watch a comedy they’d loved years ago and have popcorn instead of their usual separate evening dives into sports and Facebook.

They ended up laughing together like they hadn’t done for many months.

5. See low moods for what they are — just low moods and nothing else.

Know that if you’re in a low mood, it’s not forever and can lift at any time just as any other thoughts you may have held onto in the past. They eventually clear without you having to "do" anything if you allow yourself to settle.

If you’re in the middle of the winter blahs, it’s tempting to grab onto the thought that it’s your permanent state of mind and that it will last forever. The truth is that it doesn’t have to be.

When Allison realized her winter blahs were temporary and that in any moment, she could feel happy and it was totally an inside job, her stress lifted and she was able to connect with Mark in new ways.

Know that the winter blahs don’t have to weigh you down or your relationship. You can regain your connection and deepen love in your life if you’re open to seeing what’s going on a little differently.

Sometimes when your head clears, you know exactly what to say or do to rebuild connection. Other times you need some practical guidance.

RELATED: 4 Ways To Turn Your Ho-Hum Relationship Into A Phenomenal One

Susie and Otto Collins are Certified Transformative Coaches who help awaken love and possibilities in your life. If you’re someone who would like additional tips on how to turn your relationship around, especially your communication, get their Relationship Reverse Right Now e-book, free of charge.