3 Reasons Your 'Dealbreakers' List Is Why You Can't Find REAL Love

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your dealbreaker list is why you can't find love

How a little radical acceptance just might change everything.

A single woman needs to have her standards when it comes to picking a partner in this day and age.

If you just want to have a good time, you can go out with your girlfriends, or to a club to dance the night away with a stranger.

But when it comes to settling down and building a life with someone, being selective is important.

And there's nothing wrong with wanting a man who is truly special!

It only takes one bad breakup and a few embarrassing reminders from friends about your poor choice in guys, to make you smarten up.

So, you write a dealbreakers list to make sure history does not repeat itself. 

As you date, you find yourself adding to that list. Next thing you know, no one seems to measure up. 

I've always believed that having a dealbreakers list was a good idea, but now that I understand the concept of radical acceptance, I can see how dealbreakers may be the reason some women can't find love. 

Reading Andrea Miller's new book, Radical Acceptance: The Secret to Happy, Lasting Love, opened my eyes to how sometimes our high standards are actually a way to maintain control and not have to feel vulnerable.

But a good relationship, one built on respect and trust, cannot grow without compassion and a willingness to radically accept our partners for who they are. 

Trying to make a man into what we WISH he could be, rather than loving him for who he really is, will either leave you perpetually alone or set you up for a conflict-based relationship where nobody feels safe or appreciated.

Curious to see if Experts agree with my theory, we asked our YTExperts to share their thoughts about long dealbreaker lists, and how they can impact finding true love. Here's what they said:

1. Your dealbreakers are what's holding you back from having a real and authentic relationship

“We’ve been sold on the idea that we deserve nothing but the best and should never settle for anything less. While I agree wholeheartedly with this sentiment, the problem lies in how we define “the best”, and what that means for our dealbreakers list.

Unfortunately, we’re typically defining this list by how society and the larger culture (our family and our friends) are defining this for us —  which might not necessarily be how we ourselves would define it if we knew how to separate the two.

We need to recognize this programming and separate it from our actual heart’s desires to put together a realistic list of the most important dealbreakers that actually matter in the long run, versus the ones we’ve been told should matter, but don’t do anything to bring us the actual love we’re longing for.

Ironically, it’s the short list that emerges from this process. A shorter dealbreaker list results in the most authentic relationships based on radical acceptance of each other, rather than one based on surface dealbreakers that lack the depth to make them last.”

Jane Garapick is a dating and relationship coach, and writes about adventures on the rocky road to finding Mr. Right. You can download Jane's complimentary guide "Find Your True Love: 10 Simple Steps to Getting the Love You Want...and Deserve" and follow her blog on YourTango.

2. The longer your list, the more likely you are to self-sabotage your happiness

“It’s healthy to know what attributes in a potential partner just won’t work for you to grow a relationship. However, when your dealbreakers list gets insufferably long, consider what fears and resistance you're clinging to that are sabotaging your realization of a loving relationship.”

Stephen Dynako provides coaching as a Courage Builder and is author of The Self Aware Lover. You can follow his blog on YourTango or his website Dynako.com.

3. Relationship goals must be kept realistic, and founded in the radical acceptance of what can be, and with whom. 

“If you want a great relationship, you need to know what to put on your list, and what to leave out. Your list should include about 10 essential relationship requirements that you can’t live without (like honesty), and NOT all the things that would be nice to have (like a partner with blue eyes and a second home in Hawaii). 

Instead of focusing on qualities — like whether or not your partner is tall, dark, rich and handsome —  your list should focus on the qualities that you want in your relationship, such as mutual attraction, good communication, healthy lifestyle, and financial security

Your “Dealbreakers” list should only contain characteristics of the relationship, that if unmet, would be a true deal breaker for you. Include only the things that would make you unhappy overtime, or create the need to leave the relationship if any one of the requirements on your list were missing.”

Dr. Wendy Lyon is a Psychologist and Master Relationship and Life Coach for Singles and Couples. You can take your True Love Test on her website www.DrWendyLyon.com or read an excerpt of her Roadmap to Relationship Success in her book Roadmap to Success with Deepak Chopra and Ken Blanchard.

Need advice or support in your relationship, marriage or any other aspect of life? YourTango's Experts are here to help

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"Radical Acceptance: The Secret to Happy, Lasting Love" by Andrea Miller is now available to order online.

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