Modern Men Have Shorter Penises And Man Boobs, Says Scientist

Photo: weheartit 
Distressed man

Dark times lie ahead.

I've been told a time or two that I'm picky when it comes to men, but as far as I see it it just means I have standards.

Admittedly, I have some shallow requirements — like looks, height (penis and otherwise), weight, and fitness preferences, but if the chemistry is real I'm willing to give the poor guy a break here or there.

Of course, the height thing is unreasonable and irrational, but the weight thing is a deal-breaker for me. Here's why: I've always been determined to create a healthy environment for the kids I bring into the world. I work for it now, so that it'll come easier to me when I become a parent.

But I don't have enough willpower to live with someone who's constantly munching on cheese puffs while I'm stuck with a cup of berries and cottage cheese. (Balance at it's finest.)

Sadly, it looks like I'm sh*t out of luck since a recent study pretty much determined that the alpha male is over and he's being replaced with a more femme reboot.

And just when I thought I might get a little excited that we could drop the notion that men have to be tough all the time and trade that in for a few more emotions other than "I'm good," I discovered that the feminization of men would impact their physical attributes more than anything.

It's been said that these men will have shorter penises, bigger man boobs and be less fertile.

And, I'm sorry but for me this is the part of masculinity that matters.

I kinda like to be the only one with boobs; I definitely prefer a dick of a larger dimension; and I'm 100 percent positive that I don't want to have to make a forced effort when it's time to bring some mini-mes into the world.

So, if this is what the future holds for me — it's looking bleak because I don't want it. Sure, some of you dig dad bod but this modern man ain't for me. Call me shallow, call me crazy. I. Don't. Care.

According to Carlo Foresta, Director of Andrology and Reproduction Medicine in Padua, Italy: “Cases of infertility have risen. Before, men were producing 300-400 million sperm per ejaculation and now it’s about 30 million less."

While an Italian newspaper, La Stampa, reported "... [the] penises of young people today are shorter by almost a centimetre compared to the past and there are extreme cases — but not so rare — of men who develop breasts."

Who exactly do we blame for this? Our genetically engineered, chemically prolonged food. That's who.

Specifically a chemical, Bisphenol A, that can be found in canned food products. Experts say that while canned foods are the biggest source it can even be found in soap products. While some scholars have referred to it as the "failure of masculinisation" — I'm going to be in my bed hoping and praying that it ain't so.

Otherwise, I have to believe my friend is right when she says I'm going to die dry, and boy, is that a scary thought. 

Unfortunately for me, 20 years of research on a subject probably means the latter for me.