Lindsay Lohan Is Pregnant By A Man Who Cheated With A Prostitute

Photo: WeHeartIt
Lindsay Lohan pregnant

How do we know? Lindsay and her dad told us, of course.

Lindsay Lohan is back in the news

When the announcement of her engagement to a man whose actual name is Egor surfaced months ago, I dared not get my hopes up. 


But recent weeks have proved that verily, Lindsay Lohan is back in our lives with a vengeance. 

Let me catch you up to speed, since reading about Lohan's comings and goings has been how I have spent most of my recreational time for the past several days (god, I hope someone is feeding my cats). 

My interest was piques when news surfaced that Lindsay had flung her boyfriend's phone into the sea. The Aegean sea, to be specific: 

The boyfriend in question is the aforementioned Egor Tarabasov. 

In April, word started going around that the duo were engaged when Lindsay was spotted wearing a massive rock at a Duran Duran concert. 

There is nothing I do not love about that sentence. 

You've got Lindsay, radiant to be returned to the swarm of paparazzi. You've got her mother, Dina Lohan, a wan succubus at her side, a strange Russian tycoon lover seven years her junior, a mysterious engagement, and the wistful stylings of a '80s pop band. It's like if Henry James were still alive and still deconstructing the role of the socialite. 

There wasn't much more heard from Lindsay following this initial press, but over the past month, my fellow Cancer's love life has taken a series of twists and turns that have her name once more turning in top results on Google News. 

After fighting on his boat, their relationship seemed to get more tense (note to all young female celebrities, for the love of Natalie Wood please stop getting onto boats).

Lohan published (now deleted) social media posts accusing Egor of cheating on her with a Russian prostitute. Which begs the question, does that even count? I'M KIDDING.

Things continued in this fashion, with Lindsay making accusations of abuse online, and then deleting them. Finally, a neighbor posting video footage to the web of Lohan and Tarabasov in a physical altercation. Yeah, because that's what you do when you spot abuse, hit up Twitter. How about helping her out, you utter jerk. 

Following this, she announced on Instagram that she and Egor were over and that she needs to take some time for herself. She made this announcement on a boat, but I'll let it slide because it seems like a small one and I'm sure safety measures were taken:

Dear friends. I'm good and well. #ATM I am taking time for myself with good friends. I am sorry that I've exposed certain private matters recently. I was acting out of fear and sadness... We all make mistakes. Sadly mine have always been so public. I have done a lot of soul searching in the past years, and I should have been more clear minded rather than distract from the good heart that I have. Social media comes with the territory of the business and the world we now live in. My intentions were not meant to send mixed messages. Maybe things can be fixed... Maybe not.. I hope they can. But I am 30 years old and I do deserve a #GENTLEgiant Life is about love and light. Not anger. Thank you to those who stand by my side

A photo posted by Lindsay Lohan (@lindsaylohan) on Jul 26, 2016 at 12:45pm PDT

Egor moved out of the home the two shared right around the time Lindsay sent out a tweet that had gossip hounds drooling.  Yes, the gossip hounds had a hunger, and only the sweet, sweet meat of a troubling pregnancy rumor could sate them. Lindsay was happy to oblige:  Twitter The actress has yet to confirm this news, which has me frantically refreshing all of the web pages at once waiting for the real T to get dropped. Because Lindsay was raised by two stage parents, notoriously bad man Michael Lohan has told Perez Hilton that if Lindsay is saying she is pregnant, he believes her.  So while a baby Lohan may be on the way, let's tamp down our excitement based solely on that source. That's what we know right now. Check back for the updates I will surely make provided my employers are unable to restrain me.