Naked Restaurants Exist, Despite Being The Worst Idea EVER

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naked restaurants

Do you want thighs with that?

For centuries, people have touted the correlation between food and sex. In modern times, the weird relationship between the two has mostly been explored in softcore Cinemax movies, involving seductively chewed strawberries and naughty mishaps with chocolate fountains. However, over the past few months, there has been a surge in popularity in a fascinating new trend in the sexy food world — NAKED RESTAURANTS.

That’s right.

Places where you pay to go eat food naked. Surrounded by other naked people. And served by naked waiters.


In Berlin, a restaurant named The Black Cat offers free meals to patrons who dined in the nude. In Australia, some radio DJs in Melbourne inspired a pop-up naked restaurant after their on-air “would you dine naked?” polls received a massive response. And, most famously, in London, a naked restaurant named The Bunyadi just opened, attracting international media attention and a wait list of over 32,000 interested diners.

I can sum up my response to this new naked food movement in one word — EWW.

My reaction has nothing to do with prudishness. If there are people who get aroused at the idea of eating naked in public, more power to them. The Hollywood Reporter recently ran a review of eating at The Bunyadi in which the critic mentioned feeling “amorous” during her meal and said she’d “definitely go back.” (She also described the experience as “bonkers.”)

So, the alleged sexiness doesn’t bother me (even if it doesn’t really do it for me).

What bothers me is EVERYTHING ELSE.


First of all, restaurants like Bunyadi claim that the nakedness is all part of a going-back-to-nature experience, noting that the food is free from artificial ingredients and claiming that eating naked is more natural. Which, c’mon, is a load of bullshit.

Since when does your wardrobe affect your eating experience?

Are you really going to sit there and say “Wow, this asparagus tastes WAY fresher now that I’ve exposed my nipples”? NO. The nakedness is a gimmick, as blatant a gimmick as the Rainforest Café or Chuck E. Cheese, that has NOTHING to do with the way the food actually tastes.

Second, think about it.

Do you really want to eat in the nude next to the general public?

Forget shame. The nakedness transforms your whole night of fine nude dining into a transactional experience. You will spend the night surreptitiously checking people out. And they will check you out. Hopefully, you’ll come out on top in that transaction, seeing more hot naked people than they see you, but what if you don’t?

Your meal has become a performance where you’re both the audience AND the performer. How relaxing can that be?

And, if you factor shame back into the picture, think of all the awfulness that can happen when people start getting judgy. In Japan, a naked restaurant named The Amrita is set to open in Tokyo in August, and they received a huge negative backlash after posting “rules” that prohibited fat people and anyone over the age of 60 from eating there. (They have since had to abandon those rules, due to everyone hating them.)

While I find that kind of discrimination repellent, if you’re being honest, you have to admit that you’d be disappointed, if, on your night out to the sexy naked restaurant, you were seated next to really ugly people all night. And, as anyone who’s been to a naked beach before can tell you, there’s a VERY good chance that will probably happen.

And, third and finally in the case against naked restaurants… PUBIC HAIR.

Just… pubic hair. And chest hair. And ass hair. EVERYWHERE. How can you stop it? How can you stop if floating around the room, spreading like a virus in a zombie movie? There’s only one thing that can stop it — CLOTHES — but you thought it would be fun to get naked at a new pop-up in London, didn’t you?

And the seats.

Do they disinfect the seats after you sit in them? And do they serve food that will make you gassy?

And, if so, what’s left to muffle that gas as you shift uncomfortably across the booth from your date? (And what happens if you break a glass? And, can I assume that fajitas or any other sizzling hot foods won’t be served?)

And what if you legitimately get AROUSED during your meal?

Have the waiters been trained to deal with that? Will they politely ask if they can get you a towel or subtly nod and smile at your dining partner’s obvious boner?


And how is this any less gross than an all-you-can-eat buffet at a strip club?

I’d previously considered that to be the grossest dining experience imaginable, but, at least, at the strip club, the people eating are wearing sweat pants.

So, this is the world we live in now. Naked restaurants. Fancy, expensive naked restaurants with a waiting list for you to have the privilege to show your mashed-up swimsuit bits to the world’s most disaffected bartender.

If you think you can relax and get a bit of an exhibitionist thrill while you eat your free-range pork chops, more power to you. But, if you’re like me, you won’t rush to become an early adopter of naked restaurants and maybe wait until they get all the kinks out (pun intended).

Because there’s a thin line between erotic and gross and, frankly, I’m doing to err on the side of erotic caution when I’m looking to order a salad without any short-and-curlies on the side.