If You Burn My Vagina With A Chili Tampon I Will MURDER You

Photo: giphy
chili pepper vagina tampon

Sorry, bro. That's assault.

In a move that nearly every person who has a vagina considers both evil and genuinely STUPID, some lowlife Facebook "prankster" (read: juvenile dickwad looking for attention at the expense of others) is bragging today about having rubbed a hot chili pepper all over his girlfriend's tampon before she used it.

Yes, you read that right.

In a video posted on a now-removed Huffington Post UK article, the prankster says, "It’s Jen’s time of the month so I’m gonna play a little trick on her and give her a hot vagina," as if he's clever or funny. 

Assuming this is all real, and Jen isn't in on the desperate attempt for attention (and views), I think we can all agree that this is not a joke. This is assault. And I'm no doctor, but this guy sounds like a legit sociopath.

The vagina is a mucous membrane, and (in case you didn't know) is an incredibly sensitive part of the body. It's also not one that is easily rinsed out or cleaned, the way hands and even mouths are. Getting chili pepper in your vagina would be like getting it in your eye.

So imagine if she were to rub a chili pepper all over one of his contact lenses right before he inserted it into his eye. Funny? I'd say not.

Though I wouldn't be terribly sad if someone tried that prank on this guy, just to see how it goes.

To imagine causing this sort of pain to anybody is horrific. But it's also just about the most short-sighted, asinine thing you could do to somebody whom you hope will someday use her vagina to have sex with you. 

To be very clear:

If your idea of a "prank" involves someone's vagina, just stop right there. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, should "prank" a vagina. Our bodies are  protected by the law, and our vaginas are even more so. So, unless you want "sexual assault" on your record, cross that idea right off your list of "funny things to do in my feeble attempt to get famous."

Second, if your "prank" involves tampering with a pharmaceutical product, or secretly breaking the seal on an item that's supposed to be sterile, it is time to rethink your entire life strategy and probably consider seeking help. Serious help. 

Because no part of you should think that physically harming another person, let alone a woman (and especially not her vagina), is funny.

And I swear to you, if anybody ever decides to "prank" my vagina, my first call will be to the cops. You think I'm joking. I'm not joking. Nobody is going to tell me "It's just a joke" and have me laugh it off, and neither should any woman. 

And Jen, I hope you're okay. Part of me hopes you were in on the prank and totally faking it, just so I don't have to imagine any woman being in a relationship where a guy would think that kind of bullshit is okay.

If you are in on it, you suck too. Because some juvenile asshole is going to think this is a great idea and then go do it to a woman for real.

And that is SO not cool. 

So here's hoping this prankster feels the full wrath of the law if, indeed, he did do this. 

*Not really murder.