7 Reasons You Should NOT Put These Herbal Sachets Up Your Vagina

herbal sachets

Do not pass go, do not collect $100, and do not put these things in your cooter.

If you're a woman in possession of womanly parts, then you're more than familiar with the awkward necessity of putting things other than wieners, digits, and sex toys up into your Queenly domain. Speculum? Ain't no thang. Tampons? Slippery, but effective. Garlic clove? Oh, you yeast infection-havin' hippies, you!

But this newest vagina-based trend is one that even the crunchiest us would do best to avoid. They're called vaginal herbal sachets and they're just that: Sachets stuffed with herbs that you, in turn, stuff up yourself.

Photo: Etsy

They say they can cure a myriad of ills, but the odds are far more likely that they will leave you chagrined, sick, or much, much worse. Like you even need them, here are seven reasons to keep the damn things away from your queefing madam. 

1. Your womb isn't toxic.

Anything that claims it's a "womb detox" needs a bitch-slap. Your womb works just fine on its own. You know that whole period thing that happens once a month? That's all the detoxing your cooch needs. Leave the rest up to sweet Baby Beyoncé in the sky. 

2. "Ancient herbs" don't exist.

Guess what isn't an actual type of herb? Ancient. What does ancient mean? Old as BALLS. You know what else is ancient? Your great aunt Ethel, and you don't go putting her up into your vagina, do you? No.

3. "Womb tightening" doesn't exist, either!

Look, I can get behind tightening your neck waddle. I'll even do the Kegels to keep myself all right and tight. But what won't you find me desperate to whip back into shape? My perfect womb. I haven't had a kid yet. What if I accidentally over-tighten and the child is born with a permanent neck cramp and/or a deep and abiding resentment of me? 

4. The price is ridiculous.

One sachet costs $15 and a pack of 12 cost $75. Now, I'm not an economist but I'm going to go ahead and say that it's probably a better deal to drop that kind of change on other items like cookies, vibrators, and herbal sachets that ward off people who come after you trying to sell you herbal sachets. 

5. You have to leave them in your vagina for THREE DAYS.

In order to achieve maximum effects, you've got to leave the thing in there for three days. Three. Days. I once accidentally left a tampon in that long and became convinced I was going to die of TSS. When it finally emerged from my murky loins, I wasn't dissuaded from that fear. I'm a pleasure to know. 

6. Your vagina is good at its job.

Your vagina is like the holodeck on Star Trek: The Next Generation. It takes care of itself. It gives you exactly what you want or need. Keep soap out of there, keep lotions or potions away. Your womanly muscle-tunnel doesn't need the world's most harrowing tea bag to keep itself operational. Trust. 

7. You'll have to live with yourself after-the-fact.

"What did you do yesterday, Nancy?"

"Stuffed a cotton pearl bursting with nameless herbs into my pleasure palace."


"You know. For your health."