5 Everyday Things You Didn’t Realize You Do Because You Have FOPO, Which Experts Call A ‘Hidden Epidemic’
If you constantly worry about what others might be thinking about you, you've probably done one of these. Or maybe all of them.
fizkes | Shutterstock All of us worry about what others will think of us sometimes, and at times it's even helpful. It can make us rethink a bad decision or sometimes make us consider a viewpoint about ourselves we hadn't considered before.
But then, of course, there's the more likely scenario. We get so wrapped up in other people's two cents, or what we THINK their two cents will likely be, that it holds us back, erodes our confidence, and fills us with anxiety. One expert says this dynamic is causing so much trouble these days, he's coined a name for it: "FOPO."
5 things you probably do if you have 'FOPO,' the 'fear of other people's opinions.'
We've all heard of "FOMO," the "fear of missing out" that pushed us out the door to that birthday party or after-work gathering despite the fact that we'd much rather be doing pretty much anything else. FOMO can also get to a point where it becomes toxic, too, talking us out of what we actually need to be doing because we're afraid we'll miss out on the fun.
FOPO, coined by psychologist Michael Gervais, who literally wrote the book on the topic, "The First Rule of Mastery: Stop Worrying About What People Think of You," works basically the same way, but via a much darker path.
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Speaking to HuffPost, Gervais described FOPO as "primarily an anticipatory mechanism that we use… to increase our acceptance in the eyes of others and for us to try to avoid rejection." It results in a "hypervigilance" about what others think or may think, he said, "and what we end up doing is we scan our world for approval."
This results in us doing things and making decisions from a motivation that is not our own, but rather from a calculated attempt to either avoid other people's judgment or gain their approval, or perhaps both. Gervais said that while this behavior has an evolutionary basis and has always been with us, with the way social media runs our modern lives, it's become a "hidden epidemic."
Here are five examples Gervais gave of behaviors that often result from FOPO:
1. Comparing yourself to others
With social media running, or at least impacting, basically every aspect of our lives these days, comparison culture is pervasive. And for many of us, it's eroded our own connection with what we actually think, want, and like. Instead, we look to our friends' feeds or influencers' heavily curated lives and take our cues from them, judging our own existence against theirs instead of getting in touch with how we actually feel about it. trying to mold ourselves into what we think THEY would find appealing or acceptable.
2. Making decisions based on others' expected opinions
Gervais described FOPO as a three-stage process, with the first phase being anticipation. It's the thoughts and calculations that race through your head as you prepare for a social interaction or event, trying to suss out and plan for what people might think.
So, instead of wearing what you want and feel good in, for example, you change your outfit entirely in order to either conform to what you think others will find attractive, or to stave off the judgment you worry you'll receive.
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3. Lying in conversations or laughing at things that aren't funny
The second phase of FOPO is what Gervais called "checking." It's things like scanning everyone's faces or body language for the slightest hint of judgment, instead of being actively engaged in the interaction.
It's followed by the third phase, "responding," which is where you make adjustments to manage others' reactions. An example would be lying that you loved a movie you actually hated or laughing at things you don't find funny in order to avoid being rejected or left out.
4. Forgetting people's names and other brain lapses
Gervais told HuffPost that one of the key features of FOPO is how exhausting it is. [It's] very tiring," he said, "you become an expensive organism to run." And this results in small brain lapses.
For instance, you know how every time you meet someone, you immediately forget their name even though they JUST said it? Well, it might be because your brain is so occupied with scanning their face for reactions and hoping your outfit is right that it actually can't pay attention to the person's introduction.
Or perhaps you're the type who gets to the front of the restaurant line and you suddenly can't remember anything you've ever ordered there in your entire life because you're panicking about the people behind you judging you for taking too long. FOPO, baby.
5. Not leaving work before your boss
The workplace can be a hotbed of FOPO behaviors, especially in our economy, where the stakes have perhaps never been higher. Impressions and perceptions matter even more than they ever have before, right?
So you might find yourself managing your workday from the perspective of what others might think, and that includes working late for absolutely no reason other than you don't want your boss to see you leaving before her or him. What if they think you're slacking?
But this is a one-way ticket to burnout, and if your boss is actually good at their job? They're going to know whether or not you sincerely have enough work to justify staying late.
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So, what can you do if you have a scorching case of FOPO? Getting clear on both what your values are and what your purpose is helps because when you can actually identify what your priorities are, it's much easier to start developing an internal sense of motivation rather than an external one. And of course, anxiety-management techniques like positive self-talk and breathwork can help manage the angst that others' opinions can kick up.
And if all else fails? Just remember that people are almost certainly not paying as much attention to you as you worry they are. "This idea that we feel like we’re under a spotlight ... like others are looking at us, constantly judging and critiquing us," Gervais said, "they’re not as critical and judging as we think…"
John Sundholm is a writer, editor, and video personality with 20 years of experience in media and entertainment. He covers culture, mental health, and human interest topics.
