If Someone In Your Life Is Quietly Working Against You, They Often Do These 11 Undermining Things
shyshak roman | Shutterstock We would all like to think that the people closest to us only have the best intentions. We want to believe that our co-workers talk kindly about us to others, that our partner does little things to make us happy, or that our family members share stories about us to look back fondly on our childhood. But just like anything in life, there's always an exception because, unfortunately, there will always be someone who either wants your life or is angry about your success.
It's likely that someone you know secretly resents you, and sniffing them out isn't always easy. Whether it's purposely giving you bad advice or disrespecting your boundaries, if someone in your life is quietly working against you, they often do these undermining things. But it's important to not just sit idly by and take it; instead, notice the ways a person like this is trying to make your circumstances worse, and remove them from your life.
If someone in your life is quietly working against you, they often do these 11 undermining things
1. They belittle your achievements
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When someone secretly working against you, whether it's due to jealousy or some other ulterior motive, it's important to look at the way they respond to your achievements. Are they genuinely happy for your success, or do they make passive-aggressive comments?
If it's the latter, unfortunately, this person is not on your side. Their small jabs are really just a projection of their insecurities and the comments can easily impact you. Unfortunately, feeling disrespected can easily lead to anger.
According to a study published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, feeling disrespected is strongly and consistently linked to aggressive responses. Additionally, anger is bad for your health, as it can impair your arteries, leading to an increased risk of a heart attack.
2. They copy everything you do
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If someone in your life is quietly working against you, they often copy everything you do in an effort to undermine you. Everyone is unique and has their own style and personality, so the moment someone begins to dress like you, act the same way, or even have the same preferences for your hobbies, consider it a warning.
To be fair, unconscious body language isn't an issue, as we tend to copy those we are in sync with. Unconscious mimicry, or copying a person, can extend to people having a "tendency to take over each other's posture, mannerisms, and behaviors without awareness." However, just like anything in life, there's a limit. And when someone begins to copy everything you do, they are crossing that limit completely.
According to psychologist Dr. Ramadi Durvasula, narcissists have a habit of mirroring others to appear engaging and charming. "By paying close attention to you, they can emulate the perfect partner, colleague, or friend. Once they 'win you over,' they have earned a new source of narcissistic supply," she warned.
3. They encourage you to be your worst self
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If someone is encouraging bad behavior, they may never actually say it outright. After all, that would defeat the whole purpose of getting you to engage in said behavior. Instead, they might slowly start to get into your head, making you question your wants and desires. They'll put doubt into your mind to encourage you to be the worst version of yourself, which can have a devastating impact.
According to research published in Developmental Cognitive Neuroscience, adolescents who were encouraged by their peers to engage in risky behavior were more likely to do risky behavior themselves, showing that peer pressure truly can impact our decision-making skills. So, it's important to surround ourselves with good influences; if not, it might come back to bite us.
4. They give you bad advice
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When we're unsure of what to do, it's only natural to turn to our friends. When we're surrounded by a circle of supportive, loyal people, they give us great advice to make our circumstances better. But if you have someone in your life who secretly hates you, they might use this as an opportunity to hurt you by purposely giving you bad advice.
For instance, if you're having relationship problems and end up confiding in a friend who is quietly working against you, they might encourage you to end the relationship because you can do better. On the surface, this might sound like they actually care about you, but people who go to extreme measures often do it for a reason. And if they're hating on you, it's likely to jeopardize you or your relationship.
5. They involve you in their drama
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When a person in your life constantly involves you in drama — specifically, their drama — they probably have it out for you and are working against your best interests. People who stir the pot do so for a reason, whether it's because they're bored, jealous, or simply like the chaos of it all.
Regardless, it all ends the same: with you stressed. And stress is no joke. In fact, stress can affect the body in many different ways, including the human nervous system and the brain itself. So, if you have a drama-starter in your life, do yourself a favor and kick them to the curb. Your mental health depends on it.
6. They blame you for their poor decisions
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There's nothing more frustrating than being blamed for someone else's poor decisions. Regardless of what you did or didn't do, you are in charge of your actions. Nobody can make you react or speak out of turn. Unfortunately, if someone in your life is quietly working against you, they often do these undermining things.
As a study published in Personality and Individual Differences found, people who blame others have lower emotional regulation skills. And if someone is constantly blaming you for everything wrong in their own life, they're not only extremely immature, but can be detrimental to your well-being.
7. They dismiss your feelings
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When someone dismisses your feelings, it's deeply hurtful. But this pain is especially intense when the person is someone you care about. Since you rely on them for support, it's shocking when they disregard your feelings, as if they never even mattered. So, it should come as no surprise that people who do this are quietly working against you as a way to harm you.
They don't care about you or the impact their words have on you. Unfortunately, the dismissal of feelings leads to viewing the world differently. This results in emotions that are less positive, having more stressors, and feeling more intensely when you're in a negative mindset.
8. They embarrass you in front of others
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It's pretty easy to tell if someone doesn't like you. And all you need to do is see how they talk about you. Do they brag about you to others, or do they find ways to embarrass you? If they uplift you, it's a sign they're genuinely on your side and are a person you want close to you. But if they're purposely embarrassing you in front of others, probably behind your back, they have something against you.
It could be because they resent you, but it's more likely they resent themselves. As licensed counselor Erin Doyle Theodorou explained, "When someone tries to shame you, they are trying to transfer their hurt and pain onto you. Shamers are projecting their own shame, their own painful emotions. Attacking another is a way to disown the uncomfortable feelings they are experiencing."
9. They refuse to compromise
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The ability to compromise is the foundation of any relationship, whether it's romantic, platonic, familial, or professional. But it's strange when someone in your circle refuses to relent. It's almost like they purposely don't want to be equals.
According to licensed mental health counselor Jennifer Bingaman, "Compromise is essential to managing conflict in relationships... If one person gets all of what they want, and the other doesn’t get their needs met at all, then that’s not teamwork... If we're too busy thinking our way is the best way, then we're not showing a lot of respect and love to our partner, are we?"
If someone doesn't have the desire to manage this conflict, they likely don't want to. Regardless, this person isn't looking for ways to meet you halfway. They're looking for ways for you to submit, showcasing that this person might truly be working against you and are undermining you in the process.
10. They push your boundaries
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It's a glaring red flag when someone in your life pushes boundaries. Not respecting someone else's boundaries isn't only rude, it's careless. It shows that this person doesn't care if they make you uncomfortable or upset; rather, the only thing they care about is getting their way, even if it makes you uncomfortable.
And if someone in your life is quietly working against you, they often do these undermining things as a way to cause harm. Unfortunately, this is a tactic narcissists use to maintain power over someone. Practical coachLee Hammock admits, "Boundaries are a narcissist's kryptonite because a lot of narcissists want to have total control over you."
11. They hold past favors over your head
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When someone is genuinely being generous with you, whether it's their time, money, or showing up emotionally, there should be no strings attached. The same goes for when someone does a favor for you. They're doing the favor because they care about you and want to help.
Unfortunately, when that same person takes that favor they did for you and constantly reminds you of it, they're using it as a way to control and manipulate you, which is known as emotional blackmail. As licensed clinical social worker Ashley Peña explained, "emotional blackmail is a manipulation technique people use to assert power and control in relationships."
If a person is using past favors against you, guilt-tripping or even making threats, it's clear as day that they're working against you. Fortunately, there's still time to put some distance between you.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.
