People Who Never Fit In With Any Group Growing Up Usually Say These 10 Phrases When Talking To You
Pintau Studio | Shutterstock Even if people tend to minimize the experience of leaving someone out, a study from the journal Science argues that the physical pain our body feels actually overlaps with the emotional pain we feel when we're ostracized.
When we feel excluded, our brain responds with fear, shame, and pain in similar ways as when we literally hurt our bodies. So, it's no surprise that people who have felt misunderstood and excluded for their whole lives have identities and daily habits that are informed by that intense experience. Even in casual conversations, people who never fit in with any group growing up usually say certain phrases when talking to you, because they've been socialized to adopt things like people-pleasing and internalized shame.
People who never fit in with any group growing up usually say these 10 phrases when talking to you
1. 'I'm sorry, it's my fault'
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When someone's constantly apologizing, even when it's not necessary, they're sabotaging relationships while trying to reinforce their own insecurities. If they can take fault for everything and compensate for feeling "different" or "wrong," they can offer themselves a fleeting sense of reassurance and comfort.
Their social exclusion is a personal fault, at least in their eyes, and experiencing conflict can trigger those feelings again. Even when it's something innocent like expressing a different opinion, they're already apologizing.
According to licensed clinical psychologist Greg Chasson, these apologies also place an emotional burden on other people, urging them to reassure and protect their emotions.
2. 'I'm okay to do it alone'
People who have spent their lives feeling misunderstood and ostracized may be more comfortable with their own company than the average person. They're used to being alone all the time, which is why phrases like "I'm okay to do it alone" are people-pleasing habits they're actually okay with.
They don't have to be hypervigilant about other people perceiving or judging them, which allows solitude to be a place where they can shed that social layer and mask.
3. 'I've always been different'
According to a study from the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, social exclusion tends to shape people's identities over time — urging them to adopt behaviors and expressions that fit more similarly with the people around them.
Their "otherness" is no longer something that feeds their authenticity, but something that they run from in favor of making friends and being around others.
People who never fit in with any group growing up usually say things like "I've always been different" to the people they trust, but chances are, they still work desperately to change their identity and sense of self to "fit in" better with others.
4. 'That's fine'
According to psychotherapist Ilene Strauss Cohen, people-pleasing is often used to manage a person's anxiety about disapproval and how they're perceived by others. They've been socialized into these behaviors from being chronically misunderstood, and now put other people's needs above their own to craft relationships where they can feel accepted and valued.
Of course, this only harms their self-esteem in the long run. Their self-worth is inherently tied to what they can offer people and how comfortable they can make others, rather than how they feel internally about themselves.
5. 'I'm a bit of a loner'
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Despite using phrases like "I'm a bit of a loner" to justify and reassure their inner turmoil, people who never fit in with any group growing up still have an innate human desire to belong and have community, as a study from Psychological Bulletin explains.
With people-pleasing behaviors, changing their identity for social approval, and phrases like this, they can manage the discomfort they feel from being "othered," but in the end, they're still yearning in a deep way for the relationships and connections that make them feel seen.
6. 'I'm shy at first'
Even if it feels like a harmless way to protect your self-image and feed a self-worth driven by other people's needs, the truth is that people-pleasing tends to chip away at personal authenticity.
Even if someone who's struggled with belonging for their whole life justifies their smallness or shyness with a phrase like this one, they're still people-pleasing others at the sake of true connection.
Whether it's subconscious or not, they're seeking validation from others and using quietness to protect themselves from feeling misunderstood. If they keep their personality and authenticity to themselves, shrinking to appease others, they miss out on connections with others that can truly make them feel understood.
7. 'I'm better at one-on-one conversations'
Many people are better at one-on-one conversations than group interactions when they struggle with being perceived. They'd prefer to linger in the background of group conversations or people-please with a single person, rather than trying to be understood and seen by a whole group of people.
So, even if their experience with ostracism has sparked social anxiety in their everyday lives, they may still seek out singular conversations to find people who see them or to comfort their own self-esteem issues by meeting their needs.
8. 'Nothing matters anyway'
When someone's been ostracized for their whole life, it doesn't just reduce important feelings of community and belonging — it can also deeply harm their self-esteem, feelings of control, and a sense of meaning in their lives.
They may miss out on the driving force of their authenticity or a meaning in their daily routine, making them simultaneously more isolated and unhappy. That's why phrases like "nothing matters anyway" are common among these types of people — they're missing meaning and struggling to find joy in small interactions and conversations.
9. 'I'm always here for you'
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According to a study from the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, people who have experienced a lot of exclusion and ostracism in their lives often enter into adulthood with a heightened desire to make friends. Social rejection only makes their yearning for relationships stronger. They want to feel understood, seen, and accepted.
Sometimes, that can mean being emotionally available for people who don't deserve it and tolerating misbehavior, but in other cases, it can mean sparking deep relationships with strangers they've just met. They may offer phrases like "I'm always here for you" or "I'd love to be friends" right after meeting someone, largely because they're yearning for connection.
10. 'I'm just tired'
In the same way our bodies need rest and time to recover from a physical illness or pain, when someone's dealing with the profound pains of ostracism, they're also drained and exhausted. They may resort to solitude or alone time more often, all to catch up and navigate the exhaustion they feel quickly when surrounded by others who don't understand them.
People who never fit in with any group growing up usually say these phrases when talking to you, not only because they're literally exhausted from feeling misunderstood, but because they're trying to justify their quietness or passivity with something tangible.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
