If Someone Is A True Friend, They'll Never Do These 11 Hurtful Things
Al More / Shutterstock I recently asked my friend Sharon Livingston, Ph.D., a psychologist and author of Get Lost, Girlfriend!: How I Found Myself When My Best Friend Dumped Me, to explain the difference between a good friend and a toxic one. She shared that a true friend will never do the kind of hurtful things that damage you on a deep level.
A best friend can bring great joy, comfort, solace, and fun to your life. People are pack animals. They love to roam together. They need friends to thrive, friends who share the good times and offer support in the bad. Great friendships can even extend your life, with a 10-year-long Australian study showing that people with solid friend groups are 22% more likely to live longer. Unfortunately, a bad friend can have the opposite effect, yielding hurt feelings plus increased vulnerability to stress-related problems, such as higher blood pressure, IBS (irritable bowel syndrome), lowered immunity, higher blood sugar, depression, and anxiety.
If someone is a true friend, they'll never do these 11 hurtful things
1. Make you feel you are competing to be their best friend
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What? Her other best friend gives her more. Does fun things you can’t? Has things in common with her? Why do you know this about her other friend, anyway?
The reason for her behavior may lie in her own insecurity. Dr. Esther R. Cole, a psychologist based in the UK, states that, "Shifting one’s mindset away from competitiveness is challenging because it is often rooted in low self-esteem, insecurities, and a lack of self-awareness. People who are disconnected from their true selves often seek external validation to define their worth. This reinforces competitive behaviours as a way to assert their value." But even if her behavior has nothing to do with you, you don't have to put up with it.
2. Not allow you equal time to talk
When someone is a toxic friend, there may be an imbalance in the time you're allowed to talk. You call her, and she tells you about how lousy her day has been or how great her day was. Then you start telling her about what’s happening with you, and she apologizes but has to get off the phone because, well, she has many reasons why. In reality, she's leaving the conversation without having listened to you and your concerns or joys.
True friends accept help when they need it, but they also make sure to offer you the same," says Crystal Raypole, former editor for Good Therapy. "Everyone needs help from time to time, and you shouldn’t feel guilty for wanting some of the same support you provide."
3. Blurt out criticism with a self-righteous attitude
Honesty is important in any relationship. But what happened to kindness? What’s this idea about brutal truth being something to aspire to? Yes, it's brutal, and it's also damaging. No wonder you feel awful.
Be sure you realize that her mean words probably are projections — that is, more accurate as descriptions of how she is than as descriptions of you.
4. Expect you to call, but never call you
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Are you calling her or texting her far more often than she reaches out to you? Do you feel like you’re more interested in talking and getting together than she is?
Relationships get toxic when the other person isn’t as invested in you as you are in them. And of course, the opposite — feeling stalked by a friend's incessant demands on your time — can be disturbing as well.
5. Tell you that you need to change
But what about her? She sees no need to even recognize her shortcomings, never mind to change them. It’s about what’s wrong with you. If only you changed, it would be fine. She’s not interested in seeing what she brings to the party, just in pointing fingers at criticism and blaming you.
As author Jay Shetty notes, "Changing to make others happy is exhausting and ultimately dissatisfying. Avoidance is a natural response when you want to steer clear of situations that frustrate or make you angry. If you continue to badger someone about the things they need to change, they will stop engaging with you and find ways to avoid you at all costs. Pushing someone to change usually results in a fight, fake changes, or fleeing. None of these things are conducive to real change or the health of your relationship."
6. Make you feel like you're walking on eggshells
At first, it was so fun to be with her. You laughed, you commiserated, and it was such an enjoyable connection. Then something changed. She flipped. It’s so easy to get into trouble with her now. Better be careful. But then you start being overly careful, watching every word to avoid saying the wrong thing.
Daniella Horne of the Ventura County Mom Collective says, "If you cannot express how you truly feel and let them know how their behavior is making you feel, then this allows this person to keep acting in this manner. Talk it out! If there is no change and accountability, detach yourself from this friendship because it is not a friendship worth having. Put yourself first, follow your feelings, gut, and distance yourself. Not only will this give you freedom to be your true self again, but it is not worth it when someone’s actions take a toll on your mental health and make you question who you are."
7. Make you feel like you're riding an emotional roller coaster with them at the controls
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It started out as an amazing connection, and you felt so bonded, but now you can no longer predict what to expect. You always worry that she’s going to react negatively or get upset with you. When it’s good, it’s great. But then, for some unknown reason, you land on her list of enemies, and... what’s going to happen next? You feel uncomfortable, worried, scared, and off-balance. You think about her from a one-down position. And then something wonderful happens — suddenly she's full of appreciation for you again, and you’re flying high. What were you worried about? Everything is fine. But the next day, you can’t get in touch with her. The inconsistency and lack of predictability leave you doubting everything. It’s crushing. Your self-esteem soars and then plummets.
Robert Tabibi, LCSW, suggests setting firm boundaries with a person who acts this way. "Listening does not mean that you stand there and be an emotional punching bag, that you cave in and do what the other person wants. If listening is not helping to put out the fire, if you are feeling abused or getting upset yourself, you need to leave the situation. But don’t just stomp out; let the other person know you will come back after you are both calm," he recommends.
8. The stress starts to settle in your body
You’re somatizing — feeling ill as the stress impacts your body. You get back aches and neck pain. Maybe she's a pain in the neck? Instead of feeling bolstered by your connection, you start feeling weakened. Your body continues reacting. You feel anxious, get headaches and stomach upset, and you have a hard time getting out of bed.
When you’re in a great friendship, it boosts your immune system, but toxic friends can be literally sickening. While relationships often have ups and downs, if you're on a wild ride, you may want to think about hopping off before you turn green. Friends are supposed to add to your life, not take away from it.
Dr. Susan Heitler is a clinical psychologist, author, and subject matter expert in breaking bad habits and unhealthy behaviors.
