If Someone Is Intimidated By You But Trying To Hide It, They'll Usually Do These 11 Things Without Realizing
Wayhome Studio | Shutterstock When people feel intimidated, it affects how they behave, react and even speak. When they're intimidated by another person, their behaviors may swing from acting standoffish to being overly appeasing toward them. Despite how deeply it affects them, people will rarely admit to being intimidated by you. Instead, they'll try to hide it.
On a technical level, feeling of intimidation stems from the belief that whoever we're interacting with holds more power than we have. This perceived imbalance of status or influence can make our minds go blank and our voices tremble. While it may seem like a sign of weakness, even the strongest and bravest people may feel intimidated from time-to-time. If you're regularly seen as intimidating, it may be helpful to watch for the signs that someone is intimidating but trying to hide it.
If someone is intimidated by you but trying to hide it, they'll usually do these 11 things without realizing
1. They're overly polite
bbernard | Shutterstock
While it's a good thing for someone to show that they were raised with good manners, there's such a thing as being too formal and too focused on propriety. When someone is intimidated by you, they might address you by your full name, even when you tell them to use your nickname. They might apologize excessively, as though they're worried about taking up too much space.
While being overly polite doesn't seem like such a bad thing, licensed clinical social worker Amy Morin explained that being too polite often leads to indirect communication, which can create misunderstandings. Someone who's excessively polite might hesitate to bring up important issues, and unresolved issues often lead to feelings of tension or contempt.
Someone who's too polite for their own good might find it hard to break their life-long habit of deferring to other people, but learning how to show up as a more authentic version of themselves benefits everyone.
2. They feel a need to justify their opinions
fizkes | Shutterstock
Another sign that someone is intimidated by you but is trying to hide it is that they justify every opinion, as though they're gearing up for a major disagreement. If you don't realize they're intimidated by you, this likely feels weird or even disorienting. They may seem paranoid or argumentative, when in reality, they're reacting out of fear and sending confusing messages without realizing it.
In this way, intimidated people often self-sabotage. After all, It's hard to keep conversation flowing in a natural, easy way when one person feels like they're under attack for what they think. It's likely their brain is flooded with stress hormones, which reduce activity in the thoughtful, rational parts of the brain and activates parts of the brain that are more reactive.
That doesn't meant you deserve this defensiveness or justification. They might misinterpret you as threatening or unapproachable, which makes them feel like the discussion you're having is a competition they have to win. This is where it can be helpful to simply say, "I trust your opinions" or "I'm not here to disagree" simply to let them know there's no need to worry.
3. They display false confidence
GaudiLab | Shutterstock
A naturally confident person will seem at ease with themselves, since they have nothing to prove. They're gracious listeners who keep an open mind. They tend to have a calm and accepting demeanor, while a person who's faking their confidence will brag about their accomplishments. They display oversized egos and may even put you down to boost their self-esteem.
This may be a protective measure on their part, or it may be an effort to "fake it 'til you make it", as they say. And while most people have heard that this is a good way to change your mood, this approach might not work as well for everyone. A study on emotional suppression from Stanford University found that people who try to hide their feelings are rarely successful at doing so. When someone tries to conceal a strong emotion, their body usually "leaks" the truth through non-verbal cues.
The researchers discovered that subjects who were told to push down their emotions reported feeling distracted, worried, and on edge. They also experienced a steady increase in blood pressure. The study ultimately showed that we reveal how we really feel, whether we mean to or not.
When someone is intimidated by you but is trying to hide it, chances are high that their underlying self-consciousness will show itself in one way or another.
4. They don't initiate interactions with you
fizkes | Shutterstock
An intimidated person may seem happy to hear from you whenever you call. They'll text you back, but they won't text you first. They might have a hard time starting conversations. They let you take the lead when it comes to being social, since deep down, they're scared of being rejected.
Being intimidated by you causes them to self-sabotage the relationship you share, which ultimately makes them feel isolated and alone.
In an episode of the Getting Open podcast, psychologist Guy Winch shared reasons why people hold back from getting in touch with people they care for deeply.
"The idea of reaching out and risking more rejection or a rebuff seems more than you can stand, so you don't," he explained. That reluctance builds up, getting so big that picking up the phone feels insurmountable and you feel more alone than ever.
Winch revealed the antidote to that fraught situation, saying, "You need to be emotionally open, disclose, talk about your feelings... your hopes... your dreams, talk about what's difficult. You have to show emotional vulnerability, and the other person [does] as well."
This can be especially hard if someone is intimidated by you. After all, showing your vulnerable side is scary, but it's also worth it, because that's where real connection comes from.
5. They seek your approval
Dejan Dundjerski | Shutterstock
Often, when someone is intimidated by you but trying to hide it, they have a deep-seated need to be liked by you. This can manifest as people-pleasing behavior, which licensed clinical social worker Terry Gaspard notes often arises out of fear.
"You may have learned to be a people-pleaser because of being fearful of losing the approval of others. Fear of rejection often lies at the root of a person's tendency to bend over backward to please others — sometimes at the expense of their happiness," Gaspard explains.
Becoming more self-aware requires people to be honest with themselves, which means acknowledging they're intimidated. While that may feel scary, there's nothing inherently wrong with feeling intimidated. It's a hugely normal human response.
At our core, we all want to be accepted. More often than not, intimidation is connected to our insecurities. If we think of ourselves as not worthy of being loved, that sense of inadequacy will ripple out into every relationship we have.
6. They don't open up to you
bbernard | Shutterstock
A person who is intimidated will often hesitate to share their innermost thoughts or stories about their life, because their feelings of intimidation override their ability to be vulnerable. They are even less likely to share their opinions, even non-controversial ones, without girding themselves for rebuke.
Unfortunately, this lack of vulnerability can take a toll on relationships and friendships. Showing vulnerability is the key to getting closer in every kind of relationship. Gaspard explains that "[f]or a relationship to be balanced, partners must be able to depend on one another and feel that they are needed and appreciated for the support they give... You might be freezing out the opportunity for love because you're afraid to let your authentic self shine and to share your innermost thoughts, feelings, and wishes."
If you suspect someone feels this intimidated with you, share a vulnerability of your own and try to lighten the mood. You may also want to look inside and see if there's a way you are contributing to the other person feeling too intimidated to open up to you.
7. They seem physically tense or nervous
fizkes | Shutterstock
The way someone holds themselves around you can be a sign they're intimidated by you but they're trying to hide it. Our body language reveals a lot about how we're feeling, even when we're actively trying not to show our emotions.
When someone is intimidated by you, they'll seem tense or nervous. They might have trouble making eye contact, looking at the floor instead of meeting your gaze. They might have stiff posture and keep their arms crossed or held rigidly at their sides. Their internal anxieties manifest in their physicality, which gives away how intimated they are.
Being intimidated can make it difficult to relax, which creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. Someone who's intimated by you might struggle to let their guard down and foster a true sense of connection.
8. They avoid asking for your advice
Pro-stock studio | Shutterstock
Someone who is intimidated by you but trying to hide it might worry that asking for help makes them seem weak. They're scared that seeking support reveals a lack of knowledge, so they shut down and stay quiet, even when they need an extra hand.
While the fear that asking for help will make you seem unintelligent or incapable is very common, it isn't based in reality. According to a study from Harvard Business School, people actually see those who ask for help as highly competent. The researchers noted that people who seek advice are seen as more competent than people who don't seek it. They found this to be especially true when people asked for help with difficult tasks, revealing that not knowing the answer sends the message that you're highly intelligent.
Again, you can help someone who feels intimidated by you by letting them know you're up for collaboration or giving assistance. Sometimes people just need to hear it.
9. Their energy seems off
Tirachard Kumtanom | Shutterstock
An intimidated person might seem disconnected or disinterested, but really, the effort they're putting into managing their emotions is so intense, they have a hard time staying present.
Intuitive coach Ronnie Ann Ryan described this phenomenon as "energy leakage," noting that it can sabotage people's sense of happiness, leaving them feeling exhausted on all levels. She explained that energy leakage occurs when "more energy drains out than comes in, causing an imbalance and a feeling of being depleted."
Taking time to yourself after a stressful social interaction can help you reset your nervous system and recenter your energy. While it's important to listen to your body and honor your needs, you shouldn't let feelings of intimidation isolate you from others. Make sure to celebrate your wins and remember: We're all human and we're all worthy.
10. They stumble on words, worried they'll say the wrong thing
fizkes | Shutterstock
Someone who is intimidated by you might stumble over their words or lose their train of thought. They might have a hard time expressing themselves or fall silent when they don't know what to say.
Psychologist Dr. Tarra Bates-Duford revealed the underlying reasons people feel intimidated and how to combat that feeling.
"Often, people feel intimidated due to insecurities, low self-esteem, diminished sense of self, or high anxiety levels," she explained. "Needless to say, once we have deemed someone in our head as intimidating, it can be hard to convince ourselves otherwise."
"One thing to remember when we experience feelings of intimidation is to remind ourselves no one is perfect, and we are all flawed in some way," she declared, outlining an essential human truth.
Dr. Bates-Duford has a warning for those who feel intimidated: "If you allow yourself to shrink and diminish during what you perceive to be an intimidating conversation, growth does not occur, so this is where you end and where you remain."
If you're the one who is intimidating, try to relax your own body language to be more approachable. Uncross your arms, take a breath, and lean in. It's not your job to coddle others, but it's simple kindness to try to do your part.
11. They try to sabotage you
Pheelings media v| Shutterstock
This is perhaps the most devious and unhealthy way someone shows you they're intimidated by you, even when they try to hide it. It's possible they may not realize they're doing it in the first place, but it's likely they feel threatened and are reacting with aggression.
Not every person who is intimidated by you is a sweet, meek person. Some people may be riddle with dark traits and prone to giving in to their most base impulses and reactions. Sadly, it can be hard to tell those two groups apart in the moment, but it's important to try.
Maybe they speak badly of you to your boss, talk poorly or gossip behind your back or blame you for things they know you didn't actually do. Or maybe they do things even more overt like delete files or spread blatant lies. Regardless of the "why", this person is being aggressive and doing things you don't deserve.
It's important that you don't let someone like this dim your bright light. After all, someone who is devious like this was never going to be your friend and was likely never going to respect you. The best plan here might be to solve the problem without inviting them into your most trusted circles.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.
