5 Ways To Become A Magnetic Listener Who People Instantly Open Up To
Elias Maurer | Unsplash Hearing and listening are related. Similar yet very different. We hear loud sounds, the wind, someone laughing, or yelling. And then what? We just get on with our day. Listening, ah, another story entirely. Were you ever told to "listen up" when you were a kid? Did someone ever say, "Hey, will you just shut up and listen?"
Here is the big question: Were you ever taught to listen? Think of it this way. You were not born a violinist because you have hands. And you were not born a listener just because you have ears.
Saying "I hear you" is a world away from saying "I’m listening to you." The following rules for effective listening are for every boss, employee, teenage son and daughter, and every romantic partner. Listening skills improve workplace relationships and benefit in the boardroom as well as the bedroom. The following five rules will make your life easier, and who doesn't want easier? Before I give you the rules, here is a basic primer on anatomy and sound.
Once you say something, anything, even "It’s going to rain today," the sound waves from your voice will enter my auditory canal and make their way via impulses to my brain. And when I respond, "Who do you think you are, the weatherman?" no matter how I say it, either kindly, jokingly, or roughly, the same reaction will happen. Sound waves will enter your auditory canal and follow the route up to your brain. So, that’s it for the hearing.
It’s simple. You don’t have to like me, agree with me, or want to answer me; you and I will have heard each other. Hearing is a good thing and part of being a species on this planet. Now, let’s get to listening. Here is where we really pay attention to each other. Here is where emotions enter the dance. Here is where we can either make it work and become a magnetic listener or make it worse.
Here are 5 ways to become a magnetic listener who people instantly open up to:
1. Stop talking
Not much else to say about this first rule. You can’t talk and listen at the same time. Research on active listening found that most people focus more on their opportunity to speak rather than truly listening. Deliberately stopping and creating space through turn-taking is the first essential step because you literally cannot process what someone is saying while you're speaking at the same time.
2. Unwrap your mind
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Focus on what is coming to you. Stay with these sound waves. They will soon become words and sentences with meaning and, yes, emotion. Research shows that high-quality listeners maintain undivided attention by using non-verbal behaviors like eye contact and facial expressions that convey engagement. These signals tell the speaker you're fully present and comprehending what they're communicating both verbally and non-verbally.
3. Become a human lie detector
Listen with your eyes, your gut, your skin, your spine. Notice when you get a bodily reaction that says safe and steady or bling, bling, bling, it's baloney. I guarantee you will be mostly right rather than not.
Research from the University of New South Wales found that people can use unconscious emotional information to make faster and more accurate decisions. People's bodies displayed a physiological reaction to emotional moments that guided their decisions before their conscious mind even caught up.
4. Be careful what you say
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Telling the truth is not spilling your guts and using discretion to not say more than is necessary is smart business. Research on self-disclosure shows that appropriate sharing must align with the relationship's context and level of familiarity between people. Healthy intimacy develops when the conversation suits the time and place, while inappropriate topics can lead to misunderstandings that potentially harm the relationship.
5. Hold your judgment
Gain more information by asking open-ended questions, and then go back to rule one and start the listening process over again. Research shows that high-quality listeners ask open-ended questions that encourage speakers to elaborate on their thoughts. These listeners convey positive intent by taking a non-judgmental attitude and using facial expressions that show interest and curiosity rather than judgment.
It’s always great to grab a coach for a few sessions to find out how good your listening skills are and find the newest ways to communicate these days of fast technology.
Dr. Sylvia Lafair, Ph.D., is a CEO and is an accomplished change management expert and executive coach with over 35 years of experience.
