If Someone Is A Chronic People-Pleaser, They'll Send These 11 Texts During Casual Conversation
They can't help but put their own needs on the back burner.
PeopleImages | Shutterstock The hallmark trait of a people-pleaser is their need for external acceptance, praise, and validation. While a people-pleaser’s behaviors and tendencies may manifest themselves in unique ways from situation to situation, their need for validation is largely rooted in internal feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. Without being liked or accepted by others, they feel isolated, unsure, and anxious all the time, which is why they tend to put their own needs on the back burner to appease others.
Even at the expense of their own well-being and comfort, people-pleasers do everything they can to protect the peace — even if it’s online or talking to friends in a group chat from their phone. From saying things like “whatever works for you” to “I know this is silly,” if someone is a chronic people-pleaser, they’ll send these texts during casual conversation.
If someone is a chronic people-pleaser, they’ll send these 11 texts during casual conversation
1. ‘No worries either way’
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People who people-please often deal with a baseline level of fear in their everyday lives. They often fear that people will reject them if they don’t actively work to appease them or abandon them in their relationships if they don’t make things “easy.”
If someone’s a chronic people-pleaser, they’ll send texts like “no worries either way” often, trying to give people avenues to say no, feel comfortable, and do what they want, even if it hurts or harms their own well-being on a personal level. They’d prefer to be validated and likable to everyone else than empowered and self-assured to put their needs first.
2. ‘I know this is silly, but...’
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People-pleasers often devalue themselves for the sake of being approachable to others, according to physician Dr. Susan Biali Haas, making it harder to express their feelings or make decisions without the veil of insecurity sabotaging them.
They often text people things like “I know this is silly, but...” before they ask for something or express a basic need, so someone else has an avenue to reaffirm their internal insecurities. They make excuses for people and let misbehavior go unnoticed, not because they don’t notice them, but because they don’t want to anger anyone or give them an excuse to leave.
3. ‘Whatever works for you’
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People-pleasers are often out of sync with their own needs, because they spend so much time putting other people first that their own necessities go unnoticed. Even in healthy relationships, they urge people not to consider their needs — saying things like “whatever works for you” or “I’m fine” all the time — so they feel most “comfortable” and valued.
However, truly healthy relationships are a two-way street, where both people feel heard, valued, and supported. So, even if a people-pleaser’s main motivation is to craft safety and security in their relationships, they end up sabotaging them and driving people away with an unbalanced dynamic.
4. ‘Let me know if I’m being crazy’
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Describing themselves as “crazy” or “dramatic,” people-pleasers seek validation in unsuspecting ways online. They’re often driven by a sense of internal dysregulation and insecurity, sending texts like this one often to seek out more validation and reassurance from others that they’re safe in a relationship.
A self-critiquing phrase almost always serves as a precursor to any of their interactions, because even when they’re asking for the most basic things — like quality time or an acknowledgment — they feel like they’re over-expecting and asking for too much.
5. ‘Only if you want to’
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People-pleasers meet other people’s needs before they acknowledge their own. Whether it’s emotional support, making plans, or having necessary conversations, they’re always asking what everyone else wants — subtly minimizing and undermining their own internal desires.
“Only if you want to” is one of the texts a chronic people-pleaser sends often in casual conversations online — it’s a simple reminder of their inability to make decisions and ask for things unless other people pre-approve and validate them.
6. ‘Are you sure?’
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If someone is a chronic people-pleaser, they’ll send texts like “Are you sure?” often during casual conversations, trying desperately to cope with their fears about burdening and driving away other people.
People who operate from a place of chronic insecurity often fear being a burden to others, which is ironic, considering that people-pleasing behaviors and validation-seeking often place an emotional burden on others to respond. They’re driving people away by always overlooking their own needs, and subsequently their own individuality and authenticity.
7. ‘Do you hate me now?’
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According to relationship specialist and coach Annie Tanasurgarn, a fear of abandonment often influences relationships in toxic, subtle ways. Not only does it fuel anxious attachment styles that reflect in “clingy” and insecure behaviors on a regular basis, but it can also spark mental health disorders that isolate people from true, healthy connections.
People-pleasers often struggle with these fears, believing that every silence in a group conversation online or misread text is a sign that someone “hates them.” While a text message like this can offer them a fleeting sense of comfort and reassurance, it only distances people from them, feeling an emotional burden to respond and pressure to validate.
8. ‘Are you mad at me?’
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Many people-pleasers are constantly walking on eggshells in their conversations, even over the phone. They read into silences as a sign that someone is angry with them and struggle to fill in the gaps when someone gives them a single-word response or vague answer.
“Are you mad at me?” is one of the most common text messages a chronic people-pleaser will send, because it offers them a bit of solace from the cycle of overthinking that they find impossible to ignore when communicating online.
9. ‘It’s really okay, I swear’
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Many people-pleasers can’t help but minimize their own emotions and disregard their own needs, even in a casual conversation online. If someone shows even a slight disinterest in what they’re saying, has an opposing opinion, or prefers to do something else, they’ll drop everything to put on the facade of passivity.
They’re always “going with the flow” and being agreeable to what everyone else wants, but truly at the expense of their own well-being and desires.
10. ‘Just ignore me’
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According to marriage and family therapist Teyhou Smyth, people-pleasers often have anxious and avoidant attachment styles because they’re always trying to earn love through self-sacrifice. They put other people’s needs and desires above their own constantly, so they’re constantly minimizing the things that add value to their lives and well-being.
“Just ignore me” is yet another example in casual text conversations. They want people to feel free and comfortable doing and saying whatever they want, because they fear losing access or love from someone. Yet, they still self-sabotage their own well-being in the process, even if it’s entirely subconscious.
11. ‘We can totally reschedule if you want’
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People-pleasers consistently give people “outs” to hurt them without accountability to protect the peace, at the expense of themselves. They offer up excuses for people’s misbehavior and tolerate the overstepping of their boundaries, because they fear being left alone, without validation and reassurance.
They’re always saying things like “we can totally reschedule if you want” or “it’s okay if you forgot” when people don’t make time for them, only to cultivate toxic relationship dynamics where their needs and desires go consistently unmet.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
