11 Everyday Behaviors That Quietly Reveal Someone Feels Insecure Around You
If someone feels insecure around you, there will be subtle signs that let you know.
mimagephotography / Shutterstock It’s not uncommon for people to feel insecure around others. Society has pitted us against each other. We believe that we have to be better than those around us to succeed. When we think someone is more successful, we become insecure around them. It’s natural for competition to arise. Constant comparisons to other people can eat us alive and cause us to act differently around those who bring our insecurities to the surface.
They may not say how they feel outright. Instead of having an open conversation about their insecurities, they’ll show it in subtle, everyday behaviors. “While feeling insecure is natural, problematic behaviors can develop when people consistently attempt to conceal or compensate for their self-doubt,” says Stefan Falk, a contributor for CNBC. “Insecure types are extremely risk-averse and unproductive. Some can be downright nasty or display abusive behaviors.” While someone who feels insecure around you may not act out abusively, they will show their concerns more subtly.
These are 11 everyday behaviors that quietly reveal someone feels insecure around you
1. They try to act perfectly
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If someone is insecure around you, they will need to act as if they are perfect. They will be trying to prove to you, and themselves, that they’re on the same level as you. Perfectionists are often insecure, and if you are someone who brings out insecurities in them, they will be afraid to be anything but their best around you.
“High achievers are often pulled toward their goals by a desire to achieve them. They are also happy with any steps made in the right direction," says Elizabeth Scott, PhD, for Verywell Mind. "Perfectionists, on the other hand, tend to be pushed by a fear of anything less than a perfectly met goal.”
If someone is constantly trying to come off as perfect around you, they may feel insecure in your presence.
2. Everything is a competition
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Insecurity causes people to view everything as a competition. They’re looking for any way they can show off their better side in front of you. If you make someone feel insecure, they will be looking to compete with you. Their end goal is to be better than you. They will do whatever it takes.
It’s hard not to take it personally. However, insecure people are often trying to prove who they are to themselves more than they are to you. It’s hard to feel inferior to someone else. They are constantly looking to show off in hopes of boosting their own ego.
3. They are desperate for your approval
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When someone is insecure around you, they will be desperate for your approval. Ultimately, they use you as a blueprint for who they want to be. Their insecurity is sparked because of something they see in you that they wish they embodied. They’ll be constantly wanting to impress you, feeding off your approval to help them feel better about themselves.
“The reality is that most of us, to varying degrees, feel fear about what others think about us,” says Hannah Rose, LCPC, a contributor with Psychology Today. “This can have to do with how we look, what we’re doing with our careers or schooling, or what choices we are making in our personal lives.”
4. They are constantly bragging
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Bragging can make it seem like that person wants to appear better than others around them. Showing off what they have or what they’ve done shows how much they’re obsessed with themselves, right? Not always. Sometimes, if someone is insecure around you, they’ll brag as a way to make themselves feel better. They want to impress more than they want to toot their own horns.
“A lot of people who seem too confident in themselves are actually deeply insecure. For them, bragging might be a way of masking their insecurities or getting help from others to build up self-esteem,” writer Hailey Shafir, M.Ed, LCMHCS, LCAS, CCS for Social Self. Someone who doesn’t know how to find validation within is more likely to look to others for recognition, attention, and praise.”
5. They try to please you
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For some, insecurity is sparked by their desire to be just like the person who gets under their skin. What they see in you is something they are desperately seeking. As a result, they may look to please you at any chance.
Instead of showing they’re insecure by being rude or off-putting towards you, they’ll try to kill you with kindness. This circles back to being desperate for approval. They want to please you. They think having you on their side will be helpful. Some can remedy their insecurity through friendship.
6. They appear defensive
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If you tap into someone’s insecurity, they will feel defensive around you. They may be snappy, biting back when they feel they are being judged by you. Even if you are not judging them, their insecurity has convinced them that you are. They will be constantly on the defensive as a safety measure to protect themselves.
“Defensive individuals often have control and power issues and perceive anyone confronting them or holding them accountable as a threat. They are uncomfortable with feelings in general and managing their own. Defensive individuals don’t like to “work through” emotional issues in the collaborative way adults are expected to,” Seth Meyers, Psy.D. wrote for Psychology Today. “They can be highly impulsive and quick in their emotional reactions, without pausing to think things through in a balanced way. Finally, they tend to avoid too much emotional closeness with others."
7. They overanalyze everything you say
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Overanalyzing what is said is classic insecure behavior. They constantly feel like they’re under attack. Insecure people will find a way to make everything that comes back around be about them. You might make a simple comment, and someone who is struggling with their self-esteem around you may overanalyze what you said completely.
“Over-analyzing, or analysis paralysis, means thinking too much about something to the point where you struggle to make a decision or move forward,” says a writer for Truworth Wellness. “It’s normal to think things through, but when you overthink, it can lead to self-doubt and inaction. Instead of quickly deciding or completing a task, you might get stuck worrying about all the possible mistakes or outcomes.”
8. They avoid doing difficult tasks around you
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If someone feels self-conscious around you, they will avoid doing any difficult tasks around you. They already feel insecure. Trying to do something they’re not comfortable with can bring forward even more fears.
This is especially relevant if it is a task you both perform, but you are stronger at. Let’s say you’re both coworkers with the same title. If this person who feels insecure around you thinks you’re stronger at the job, they’ll likely let you take control. They won’t want to put themselves out there as they fear failure.
9. They come off as jealous
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Insecure people are often jealous. They feel especially jealous of those they feel are better than they are. They want to feel equal to, if not better than, you. They need success to feed their ego. If they think you have found success in something with ease, they will come off as jealous.
“Jealousy is often fueled by deeper insecurities—feelings that you aren’t good enough or that you’re at risk of being rejected,” says Chandra Estelle Khalifian, Ph.D., and Kayla Knopp, Ph.D, with Psychology Today. “These insecurities can develop from different life experiences.” They added, “Jealousy and insecurity are uncomfortable, but they don’t have to control you. Learning how to engage with these feelings thoughtfully can help you grow emotionally and strengthen your relationships.”
10. They are quick to judge
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When someone feels insecure, it’s easy for them to pass judgment. When they are intimidated by you, they begin to judge everything you say and do, looking for flaws in your behavior. You will be under a microscope around someone who feels inferior to you.
“When I paid more attention to when my judging radar would go up, it was almost always correlated with my insecurities,” says Ashley, the author behind The Honey Scoop. “For so long, I felt I was judging someone because I knew better, but I was judging because there was a part of me that didn’t feel completely secure in that area.”
She continued, “Gossiping and looking down on others will accomplish absolutely nothing. Ziltch. Squat. We are wasting precious minutes, time, and headspace by tearing someone apart just because there’s a part of ourselves where we feel a lack.”
11. They shut down when you're around
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If you notice someone you spend time with is going quiet when you are around, it is a sign that they may feel insecure around you. They’ll be afraid to talk, nervous about what your reaction may be. They won’t want to do anything but sit quietly around you.
For some, they shut down when they are feeling big emotions. They’ll disassociate and fold within themselves as a coping mechanism. If they feel insecure around you, they will shrink themselves down as a form of protection. Sometimes, you’ll have no idea you are the reason they act that way. You may assume someone is just quiet, but they could be struggling with insecurity in your presence.
Haley Van Horn is a freelance writer with a master’s degree in Humanities, living in Los Angeles. Her focus includes entertainment and lifestyle stories.
