17 Behaviors That Seem Innocent On The Surface But Come Across As Desperate
What feels harmless to you can unfortunately signal neediness to others.
Dean Drobot | Canva The desire to be liked, appreciated, and valued is a human experience. However, sometimes our attempts to gain positive attention can backfire in subtle ways.
Behaviors that seem perfectly reasonable from the inside might appear differently to others. Recognizing these patterns helps us to align our actions with our intentions, creating space for more authentic relationships built on genuine mutual respect and understanding.
Here are 17 behaviors that seem innocent on the surface but come across as desperate:
1. You're obsessed with getting people to express interest in you
This is your way of getting validation about how attractive you are to the opposite gender. Some might even view being intimate as a way of validating their control over the opposite gender. Either way, a serious intimacy obsession is often a sign of a validation obsession.
According to a 2019 study, this can manifest as approval-seeking behaviors, where individuals go to great lengths to gain the approval of others, even at the expense of their well-being. In relationships, this can lead to an excessive need for reassurance and a fear of abandonment or rejection.
2. You need to be constantly reassured
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This can happen with anyone if they are feeling insecure or nervous, but when there's no reason to feel shaky, it's a cause for concern.
Whether it's you or a person you know, if this person needs to be constantly reassured and often feels like they need to be praised for every little decision they make, it's a clear sign of a validation obsession.
3. Your favorite subject is how awesome you are
When you're low on validation supply, you might start talking about how great you are in hopes that others will agree with you. While it's natural to desire appreciation, using one's own perceived awesomeness as a constant topic can be a red flag for deeper insecurities and a dependence on external validation.
One study explained that cultivating internal validation by focusing on self-compassion, recognizing intrinsic worth, and trusting one's own judgment can help build a more resilient and autonomous sense of self.
4. You want to earn a lot of money so people will like you
Do you get the feeling that the only reason you want to be rich is so you'll be popular? Do you constantly flash cash to impress others? If so, you're probably a validation snob.
5. You name-drop almost constantly
Validation snobs will do this to show that they associate with people who are already considered to be hot shots in their eyes. If a person is secure with themselves, they won't name-drop nearly as much. After all, confident people won't care if they're in the "in crowd."
6. You tend to befriend people based on reputation or wealth
This can be indicative of several different things, but it's also a sign that you might have a validation obsession. According to sociometer theory, self-esteem acts as a gauge of our social acceptance and relational value to others.
The pursuit of friendships based on reputation or wealth could be an attempt to raise one's social standing and, consequently, their self-esteem, by associating with individuals perceived as highly valued within a social hierarchy.
7. Your opinions change depending on the company you're in
Sure, this might be done to keep the peace, but it might also be a sign that you're desperate to be accepted and validated by the people you're around.
8. You need to control every social situation with an iron fist
A person who craves validation will want to have every interaction centered around them. You don't want surprises — you want to know the exact outcome of the situation before it happens. This need for control can often be a sign of a serious personality disorder as well as validation obsession, so others should use their best judgment when dealing with you.
9. You often play the victim, even when things aren't bad
This is both a sign of a histrionic personality and a validation obsession. You're looking for both attention and validation that it's "not your fault."
Individuals with a victim mentality may struggle to develop a strong, internal sense of self-worth and rely heavily on others' opinions to define their value. One study cautioned that it's crucial to differentiate between having a victim mentality and being an actual victim of abuse, trauma, or injustice.
10. If you get rejected, you flip out
This invalidates you. Need we say any more?
When one's internal sense of self-worth is fragile, they may become overly reliant on external approval and validation to feel good about themselves. One expert stressed that it is important to remember that these behaviors are often a coping mechanism, developed to protect oneself from the perceived threat of rejection.
11. You do things just so you can be accepted by others
Validation obsession can lead people down a very dark path. Many drug users, felons, and cult members have gotten into their situations due to their desire to be accepted or highly regarded.
If you've been known to take bad risks just to fit in, you can bet you have an obsession with validation.
12. You try way too hard
Validation is a strong drug, and if you're trying way too hard for others to like and accept you, you're obsessed with approval.
A 2024 study explained that excessive validation-seeking can lead to people-pleasing behaviors, burnout, and a reliance on external sources for self-worth, preventing the development of a strong internal sense of self. While seeking validation can provide a temporary boost, it's often not sustainable because it relies on external factors that can change.
13. You fish for compliments.
It often doesn't get any clearer than this. When you can't seem to get enough validation without going to crazy lengths, you'll often try to fish for compliments.
14. You regularly put others down — particularly others who are liked
This is a classic sign of a validation obsession. After all, you feel like you can rise above others if the others are pushed down beneath you.
Research suggests that while bullying may initially lead to popularity, it can also lead to increased rejection over time, hindering long-term social development. While seeking validation in moderation is a normal part of human interaction, relying excessively on external sources can hinder the development of a strong, internal sense of self.
15. You seem to single out friends and partners with serious problems
You do this because you feel you will get validation easily from people who are in a worse situation than you are. Sadly, until you learn how to get serious confidence, this will often be what puts the nails in your coffin.
16. You can never say no
This is one of the harsher signs that can really do some damage to a person's well-being. When you rely on others for approval, you wish to please them in order to gain a good image from them.
You will do whatever they want. You can't say no to anyone, or else you think they hate you or will think lowly of you.
17. You apologize too much
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Since you never want to offend anyone, you find yourself apologizing for everything. It can even get to the point of saying sorry when saying hello to someone.
People with low self-esteem may habitually apologize, even when not at fault, due to feeling like a burden or an inconvenience. One study explained that they might seek reassurance that they are not upsetting others by offering apologies.
How to stop seeking validation from others: Practice self-care. Self-care is the most underrated tool when it comes to one's mental health. Self-care can do numerous things for the mind. It can help destress it, clear it, renew it, refresh it, and reset it. One way to practice self-care is through meditation or yoga.
A study from 2011 found that a sustained amount (8 weeks) of mindful meditation can physically change our brains. Mindful meditation was found to increase the amount of gray matter in areas of the brain that are related to emotional regulation. This practice also helps with self-control and confidence to begin setting boundaries.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.
