11 Phrases Deeply Insecure People Say When They're Losing An Argument
If someone says these things during an argument, they're not winning — they're panicking.
MAYA LAB | Shutterstock Few people can say they truly like to argue, but the boost that comes with winning an argument can feel pretty great. On the other hand, most want to avoid losing an argument at all costs. Some people literally can’t handle it when an argument doesn’t go their way. One group of these people could be described as deeply insecure.
According to clinical psychologist Aimme Daramus, PsyD, “Insecurity is usually a belief that you’re a failure as a person.” Being insecure means that you doubt yourself and your abilities. You are afraid of rejection, and you seek approval from everyone around you. It makes sense, then, that someone who is deeply insecure would struggle greatly with the idea of losing an argument. Instead of acknowledging the truth, they’ll likely say something that deflects attention from them.
Here are 11 phrases deeply insecure people say when they’re losing an argument:
1. ‘You’re trying to make me look bad.’
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To move attention away from the fact that they’re clearly losing an argument, a deeply insecure person might try to manipulate the situation so that it appears the person they’re arguing with is actually just attempting to make them look bad. This is likely untrue, especially if it’s the deeply insecure person who started the argument. Regardless, their goal will be to take the focus off themselves, and one way to do that is to hurl baseless accusations at the other person.
PsychCentral writer Hope Gillette noted, “Constant accusations in a relationship may make you angry and secretive, even when you have nothing to hide. More importantly, it can create a sense of resentment and distrust that may lead to significant challenges with your partner.” While the deeply insecure person in question may not be your partner, Gillette’s words still make sense.
When someone is accused of doing something they didn’t do, it is confusing and painful, so much so that it may even cause that person to blow up. Then it will seem like the argument is all their fault, and they’ll play right into the other person’s hands. A big, negative reaction is what an insecure person wants because there’s no better way to make themselves look blameless.
2. ‘Let’s talk about that thing that you did.’
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When a deeply insecure person is losing an argument, they may try to guilt-trip their opponent. This effectively takes the spotlight off of them and puts it on the other person. They may bring up something their opponent did wrong in the past and suggest that that is the real problem. It may have happened a few days ago or a few years ago. Whatever the case, the goal will be to shift the focus to that.
Clinical psychologist Lynn Margolies, PhD, described how damaging guilt-tripping can be. “Guilt-tripping is, in effect, a form of emotional blackmail,” she stated. “But it is typically an unconscious process whereby the guilt-tripper feels entitled and innocent of any misdeed. On the receiving end, it feels like an oppressive intangible force that visibly intrudes into our personal space, confusingly and frustratingly, bolstered by plausible deniability and reversal of blame.”
Guilt-tripping isn’t always a conscious effort from the insecure person. Sometimes, they simply don’t know what else to do, so they project those feelings onto their opponent. This is hurtful and can bring up past wounds that you thought were healed. If someone goes off-topic like this, it’s best to avoid engaging any further.
3. ‘Now I’m the bad guy.’
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A deeply insecure person may try to make the person they’re arguing with feel bad for them by saying they feel like they’re the bad guy now. A kind, empathetic person wouldn’t want anyone to feel that way and would likely rush to their defense instead of continuing the argument. This would be just the boost that an insecure person would crave.
Psychotherapist F. Diane Barth, LCSW, argued that this kind of manipulation says more about the person saying it than anyone else. “It’s sometimes harder to see that people who try to incite guilty feelings in others are also suffering,” she said. “This is because people who provoke guilt can be angry and/or manipulative, often putting out their guilt-inciting words with a big smile. But those behaviors are often hiding other, more vulnerable emotions.”
Someone who is deeply insecure could certainly be said to be suffering, and likely doing so in silence. They don’t know how to reach out for help, so they try to manipulate it out of anyone around them. This may look like making the person they’re arguing with feel bad by claiming they feel like they’ve been made out to be the bad guy.
4. ‘You’re overreacting.’
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Another tactic an insecure person might take when losing an argument is to accuse the other person of overreacting. This allows them to plant seeds of doubt in the other person’s head. They may wonder if they really are overreacting and if they’re being too hard on this person. In reality, they’re likely being completely rational. It’s just easier for the insecure person to shift the blame to them.
Author Peg Streep identified this as a form of emotional abuse. “A blame-shift is meant to absolve the abuser of responsibility, but it also effectively makes the target feel guilty or shamed,” she said. “Blame-shifting is effective because the abuser knows the other person’s insecurities and vulnerabilities.”
By telling someone that they’re overreacting, an insecure person is making it seem like they are the real problem. This takes the guilt and responsibility for the failed argument off of them. Instead, it makes it seem like the whole argument was elaborate, over-the-top, and planned by their opponent. This can be incredibly hurtful.
5. ‘You only bring this up when you’re mad.’
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It can be hard to feel like someone keeps bringing up your mistakes and lowest points when they’re mad. For a deeply insecure person, there’s a good chance that this isn’t actually what’s happening. Instead, they’ll just accuse the other person of only bringing up whatever the argument topic is when they’re mad, and leaving it be at other times.
It would be pretty easy to become mad if this happened to you, even if you weren’t mad in the first place. That just makes everything worse, though. In a study published in Psychological Science, researchers concluded that acting angry after being falsely accused of something just makes you look more guilty, even though it would be natural to feel angry in such a situation.
The key is not to play this person’s game. Don’t let them make you angry, and don’t give them any evidence to back up the claim that you were angry in the first place. Try to disengage from the conversation and stay as far away from them as possible. They definitely aren’t good for you.
6. ‘Nothing I do is ever good enough.’
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An insecure person might claim in frustration that nothing they do is good enough. In reality, no one probably thinks this of them. Instead, it’s their insecurity responding to losing the argument. It would make sense that someone who is deeply insecure would believe that nothing they do is good enough. After all, they really have no self-confidence.
According to WebMD, “Insecurity is a feeling of inadequacy (not being good enough) and uncertainty. It produces anxiety about your goals, relationships, and ability to handle certain situations.” They noted that pretty much everyone deals with insecurity at some point. However, for some people, it can be more prevalent and really start to take over their lives.
It’s reasonable that someone who is very insecure would feel like they aren’t good enough. Feeling that way is practically part of the definition of insecurity. Whether they say that when they’re losing an argument because they genuinely feel that way or because they are trying to manipulate the other person would be individual to each situation.
7. ‘You think you’re always right.’
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If someone is insecure, they may take losing an argument personally. Instead of just being a part of life, they’ll see it as a personal failure. In those moments, they may bitterly exclaim something like, “You think you’re always right,” to the other person. It’s likely that their opponent thinks no such thing and will just be confused by the outburst.
Licensed master social worker Catherine Hall noted that this is common for people who are going through a lot. “False accusations could indicate that the accuser has a difficult time trusting others or has had the experience of being betrayed or lied to repeatedly in the past,” she said. These are all either signs someone is insecure or things that could cause them to be.
When an insecure person accuses you of something, like thinking you’re always right, you have to take those words with a grain of salt. They are likely just projecting their hurt onto you and refusing to take any responsibility themselves. You can be sure that this will come back to affect them negatively at some point.
8. ‘You’re being too emotional.’
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If anyone is being too emotional in this situation, it’s probably the person who struggles with insecurity. However, they would never admit to that, and will instead try to say that their opponent is the emotional one. Emotions can ruin an argument, so blaming someone for being overcome by their emotions during an argument implies that that person doesn’t think the other can handle it.
VeryWell Mind writer Sherri Gordon said this is a form of emotional abuse. “Emotional abuse involves controlling another person by using emotions to criticize, embarrass, shame, blame, or otherwise manipulate them,” she stated. One sign of emotional abuse is that the other person “invalidates you” by “undermining, dismissing, or distorting your perceptions or your reality.”
If someone accuses you of being too emotional, they are being manipulative and abusive. They may make it sound like they care about you, but they don’t. They’re invalidating your emotions and acting as if how you feel doesn’t matter or is too much. That’s obviously not true.
9. ‘You’re gaslighting me.’
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If someone is really insecure and unwilling to face the facts, they may say the person they’re arguing with is gaslighting them. According to Healthline writers Crystal Raypole and Sandra Silva, “Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse and manipulation. It involves someone making you question your beliefs, behaviors, and perception of reality. It can impact your sense of self.” If someone thinks they’re being gaslit, they believe someone is trying to get them to question their perspective of what happened.
This is a serious accusation. It should not be thrown around lightly, especially when someone is losing an argument and grasping at straws for something to say to distract from that. Nevertheless, someone who is desperately trying not to lose an argument may say that they are being gaslit and that is the only explanation for why they are losing.
Saying someone is gaslighting you is equivalent to saying they are emotionally abusing or manipulating you. Those kinds of accusations are hurtful and damaging. They should not be used, even out of desperation, unless they are true. An insecure person might make these accusations, but they say far more about them than the other person.
10. ‘You’re the insecure one.’
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On the other hand, the insecure person might be the one doing the gaslighting. Someone could be genuinely trying to help them, and they would say that they are the ones who are being insecure. They’ll do everything possible to avoid facing their insecurities, so they’ll turn around and project them onto someone else.
Raypole and Silva also said, “The most common sign of gaslighting in a relationship is if you constantly second-guess yourself based on the things the other person says or does. Feeling overwhelmed, confused and uncertain about your ability to make decisions on your own are also gaslighting signs.”
If someone accuses you of being insecure, it may make you stop and think for a minute. You might second-guess whether or not you really are insecure and if that is affecting your judgment. These are classic signs of gaslighting. Don’t let someone make you question reality or who you are.
11. ‘You always do this.’
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Someone who is deeply insecure and losing an argument is going to want to take the focus off themselves. One way they may do this is by saying that the other person always causes arguments like this and is therefore the problem. They’ll say that their opponent is known for causing disagreements like the one they’re in the middle of, and that’s why things have escalated to the point they’re at.
Author Stephanie A. Sarkis, PhD, said that this is what is known as projection. “Projection is a psychological defense mechanism in which people unconsciously attribute their thoughts or inadequacies to others,” she explained. “In the context of toxic behavior, this defense mechanism becomes a powerful tool for deflecting responsibility and preserving the individual’s fragile self-image.”
Deeply insecure people will use projection as a defense mechanism. Instead of taking responsibility themselves, they’ll push it onto the other person. That’s just what they do. It’s deeply unfair and can be considered a form of gaslighting because it makes you question reality and wonder if you are the problem. Just remember that you’re not.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
