11 Phrases Unreasonably Angry Men Say To Justify Their Rage
These excuses reveal what's going on beneath the surface.
Gleb Usovich / Shutterstock When you think about uncontrolled anger, you might think of raised voices, slammed doors, or holes punched in walls. But it's more about deep insecurities, needs that have been ignored, and emotional immaturity. A man who is irrationally angry often may use specific phrases to justify his behavior. They shift the blame to avoid accountability so they never have to admit that they need to heal and do better.
These phrases may sound convincing when you hear them, but they are really a mask used to cover their inner struggles. The anger itself isn't the problem because we all get upset. It's about how a man expresses his rage and whether he chooses to use it to control, deflect, or harm others. If you can recognize these unreasonable excuses, you can avoid being gaslit and promote healthier communication and emotional responsibility for you and the man you care about.
Here are 11 phrases unreasonably angry men say to justify their rage
1. 'You made me do it'
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Blaming another person for their actions is a classic deflection technique used by men who refuse to accept responsibility for the way they show up in the world. They would like you to believe that they have no control over their own actions and behavior, and that somehow, you caused them to do something while they were angry that would otherwise be out of character.
This is manipulation. It's a way to make you feel guilty for something that you are not at all responsible for, and it works. It's not uncommon for victims of abuse, whether physical, emotional, or verbal, to believe that what's happening to them is their fault. When a man uses this as an excuse to justify his unreasonable anger, he has poor emotional regulation and is unwilling to take ownership of his behavior and change it.
2. 'This is just how I am'
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Resigning himself to being stuck in an unhealthy way of being is an overly angry man's way of letting you know that he's comfortable being mean and surly and has no intention of changing it. He is comfortable with his overreactions and, up until this point, has found no reason to act differently since no one has taken him to task about it.
Saying that this is just the way he is lets you know that your only option is to accept the unacceptable. It's an excuse to avoid self-growth and normalizes toxic behavior, so you get used to it and never question it again. He has a fixed mindset and fears being vulnerable and accountable.
3. 'If you hadn't pushed my buttons... '
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This is yet another way of making the person who is targeted by a man's unreasonable anger the problem. He wants you to believe that this only happened because of your provocation, so his ire is not the real problem. It's you. Now, all of a sudden, instead of addressing the matter at hand, his unruly temper and external circumstances have become the focal point.
But healthy people are fully in control of their own buttons. They are like the nuclear launch codes, so they are inaccessible to anyone but you. A man who is in control of his emotions doesn't weaponize them to harm others. Those who do may have a fragile ego and a tendency to avoid blame at all costs.
4. 'You always overreact... '
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Accusing a person who is responding to the wild way you have chosen to show irritation of overreacting is a way of gaslighting them. It minimizes the other person's feelings about your behavior and forces them to defend themselves, taking you out of the hot seat. It's reactive abuse, and men who have anger issues are pros at it.
When a man uses your responses to his over-the-top anger to downplay his role, he is trying to justify what he said or did and make it seem like it was necessary. This response shows you that he lacks empathy and is dismissive of your emotional experiences.
5. 'I'm just being honest'
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Brutal honesty works to excuse mean or angry behavior because you are subconsciously telling a person that the only other option is to lie to them. No one wants that, so using transparency and truth as a shield to cloak cruelty is a go-to excuse for men who are unreasonably angry.
Harsh truths said in anger serve no purpose other than to hurt. He is upset and wants to punish you, so he lashes out with words that he believes will inflict the most damage. Doing this doesn't make him seem like an honest, upstanding man. It makes him look impulsive and confirms his lack of emotional intelligence.
6. 'At least I didn't hit you'
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Some men believe that if their abuse is not physical, they are one of the good guys. Pointing out the fact that they did not do bodily harm to you is a justification used to position what they are doing as "not that bad." They want you to be grateful that you found a man who will only take his anger out on you verbally and emotionally, but won't put his hands on you.
Downplaying non-physical forms of abuse is a tactic that slowly gets you to lower your standards about how you expect a man to treat you. It puts you in a place of gratitude because you know it could be worse. But all abuse is horrible. Verbal and emotional abuse do just as much harm as physical abuse. You just can't see it. Don't ever normalize that behavior.
7. 'I had a rough day'
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We've all had a bad day from time to time. Stress is real, but it is not a free pass to unleash your fury on other people. If we all lashed out every time things did not go our way, the world would be in utter chaos, filled with violence. A man who uses a challenging day as an excuse to express extreme anger is willfully allowing outside forces to dictate who he is and how he shows up.
This phrase is used to make others feel guilty for expecting basic decency and decorum out of him. He wants you to feel like it is understandable for him to behave in an abusive manner because he is in a bad mood. But what it really reveals is that he has poor coping mechanisms and displaced aggression.
8. 'You know how I get when I'm angry'
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Put this excuse right up there with "that's just how I am". A man who says this is telling you that he has already made you familiar with his lack of emotional regulation, so you should be used to it. Not only is it a red flag and predictor of future behavior, but it is also a threat disguised as common knowledge.
He is saying without saying that this is exactly what you should expect from him if you decide to continue in the relationship. He has no intention of changing his ways, so get used to walking on eggshells to avoid triggering him. This is his way of controlling you through intimidation and refusing to self-regulate.
9. 'I only get this mad because I care'
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Wrapping abuse in love is another manipulative tactic that men who cannot control their anger use to keep you hooked and accepting of their behavior. Instead of viewing their explosions as problematic, they make you believe that you have something special that makes them lose all cognitive and emotional control.
This works because it speaks to your ego, flattering you, when you should be holding that man accountable or getting as far away from him as you can. But if he can get you to confuse intensity with emotional investment, he can make the trauma bond stronger than ever. He likely has toxic attachment patterns and lacks emotional maturity.
10. 'You never listen to me'
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During angry outbursts, blanket statements like this are often used to not only justify the behavior, but to put you on the defense, trying to prove that you do listen to him. It twists the situation to imply that the only way he can be heard is if he acts acrimoniously.
But what this really does is shut down communication about his temper. Now he gets to rage as much as he wants, and you will sit there and take it because you want him to feel heard. A man who says this may have big communication issues and an inability to express himself in a calm and clear manner.
11. 'At least I don't bottle things up like other guys'
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Measuring himself against the toxic behavior of other men is a way to minimize his actions. Men who are unreasonably angry always try to find a way to make the situation even more negative, so you feel lucky to have them. They know that men are presumed to have trouble expressing their emotions, and want you to believe that their anger is healthier.
Expressing anger is not wrong. Weaponizing your anger is. There are many healthy ways to let another person know that you are upset. He is making a conscious choice to ignore his options and use you as an emotional dumping ground. This excuse for being unreasonably angry is a result of misguided ideas about masculinity and emotional expression.
NyRee Ausler is a writer from Seattle, Washington, and the author of seven books. She focuses on lifestyle and human interest stories that deliver informative and actionable guidance on interpersonal relationships, enlightenment, and self-discovery.
