Lonely People Often Share 11 Quiet Traits That Keep Them Closed Off From Others
Prostock studio via Shutterstock | Pixelshot via Canva Feeling lonely is a normal part of being human. At the peak of loneliness, a person might feel like they have no one to rely on or reach out to. Some lonely people react by adopting quiet traits that keep them closed off from others.
Like all emotions and states of mind, loneliness isn't permanent. Despite its impermanence, being lonely often feels overwhelming and persistent, like it's something you can't escape, no matter how hard you try. But once you recognize these quiet traits that keep people lonely, you can interrupt them.
Lonely people often share 11 quiet traits that keep them closed off from others
1. They struggle with vulnerability
Chay_Tee | Shutterstock
Although it may feel like you're the only lonely person when you experiencing loneliness, it's actually far from the truth. Despite how common it is, lonely people often struggle with vulnerability that keeps them closed off from others.
Psychologist Guy Winch describes loneliness as "A universal and deeply human experience [that] transcends geographical and cultural boundaries."
"Loneliness is something we all feel, no matter where we're from or how we live," he explained. "It's like this tricky part of being human that's not always easy to figure out." Winch noted that there is an antidote to feeling lonely: connecting with other people on an emotional level.
People who are very lonely often have a hard time letting themselves be vulnerable, because they're deeply scared of being hurt. They worry that if they open up, the person they're talking to will decide that they're too weird or depressing. They tend to avoid sharing how they feel, even when they're given the opportunity to do so. Very lonely people mask their emotions, which makes connection hard to maintain.
Being vulnerable isn't easy or even comfortable, yet showing our true selves is what keeps us from feeling completely alone.
2. They overanalyze social interactions
fizkes | Shutterstock
When people who are very lonely find themselves in social situations, they often second-guess themselves and hold back from showing who they really are. It's as if they're standing behind a pane of glass, watching themselves interact with other people. This closes lonely people off from others.
According to an article in the journal Innovations in Clinical Neuroscience, the clinical definition of rumination classifies it as "A mode of responding to distress that entails repetitively and passively focusing on the distress as well as its possible causes and consequences."
Rumination is a form of preseverative cognition that's related to worry, yet people tend to ruminate on things that happened in the past or the present, while their worries usually pertain to future unknowns.
Very lonely people replay conversations in their head because they're so concerned with how they were perceived by others. This anxiety-focused echo chamber makes it hard for people who are very lonely to enjoy being around other people, even though they crave connection.
3. They're highly sensitive
Gladskikh Tatiana | Shutterstock
Another trait shared by lonely people that keeps them closed off is their high sensitivity. Their loneliness makes them especially attuned to feeling criticized, whether that criticism is based in reality or imagined. Having a heightened level of sensitivity makes certain aspects of life feel challenging because it can make people's emotions feel overwhelming.
Licensed clinical psychologist Amy Morin noted that highly sensitive people process sensory data more deeply than others. She explained that highly sensitive people easily recognize other people's discomfort, which makes them very empathic friends. They also need time to recharge after social interactions and tend to retreat from other people when they feel overwhelmed.
Being highly sensitive might seem like a challenging way to enter the world, but once people recognize their own sensitivity, they gain the awareness they need to care for themselves best.
4. They don't believe they're worthy of love
F01 PHOTO | Shutterstock
Another subtle trait of people who are very lonely is that they don't believe they're worthy of being loved. Their experience in isolation mistakenly makes them believe that they're too broken to love or be loved. As a result, they have a hard time bridging the gap between themselves and others and create strong connections.
In her TED Talk "The Power of Vulnerability," researcher and author Brené Brown explained that "Connection is why we're here. It's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives." Through her research, Brown discovered that "There was only one variable that separated the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging and the people who really struggle for it."
"The people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they're worthy of love and belonging," she explained. "That's it. They believe they're worthy." Brown concluded, "The one thing that keeps us out of connection is our fear that we're not worthy of connection."
Even though very lonely people don't feel worthy of love, the truth is that everyone deserves to access love. We have to accept ourselves and learn to love the entirety of who we are, with all our messy imperfections. Until we learn to embrace our inherent worth, we won't be capable of extending or receiving love.
5. They insist on doing things alone
EugeneEdge | Shutterstock
Sometimes, very lonely people reinforce their loneliness by insisting that they do everything on their own. This insistence is often rooted in a fear that they'll come off as too needy or be seen as a burden.
They might downplay their hardships and avoid asking for help because they're scared to be reliant on other people. This is not always obvious, in fact it is a quiet trait. Unfortunately, it keeps them closed off from others when it becomes excessive.
By not requesting or accepting help, lonely people often end up feeling like the world is against them, and they only have themselves. Asking for outside support isn't necessarily easy, but it's a crucial part of keeping our connections strong.
Everyone needs help at some point in their lives, and asking for that help doesn't make people weak. Asking for help is a sign of strength, because it shows your ability to access your own vulnerabilities and take risks.
6. They have active imaginations
Polonio Video | Shutterstock
A quiet trait of people who are very lonely is that they often have vivid imaginations. They spend a lot of time diving deep into their own interior world, oftentimes because it feels safer than the real world, which is full of difficult situations and other people who could potentially hurt them.
Daydreaming provides an escape from their loneliness, and research has shown that it can become maladaptive when used too often to escape from stress or pain. It allows them to picture connections they might not have or see a version of themselves they'd like to embody.
There's no active harm in having a strong imagination, but living life in your head can make it feel even harder to actually connect to other people.
7. They over-apologize
PeopleImages | Shutterstock
People who are very lonely often over-apologize for things they think they've said wrong or just for being present in a certain place.
According to therapist Greg Chassen, Ph.D., frequent apologizing is an anxious tendency that stems from feeling like you don't fully belong. Dr. Chassen calls it the "anxious sorry" and shares that it can be problematic.
Unless we're purposefully hurting or demeaning other people, we have a right to share space with them. Very lonely people display their discomfort with taking up space by saying they're sorry, when really, they don't have anything to say sorry for.
8. They have a self-deprecating sense of humor
Gladskikh Tatiana | Shutterstock
Having a strong sense of humor is essential to getting through the harder parts of life, yet lonely people often develop the quiet trait of self-deprecating humor to deflect how they really feel.
They tend to develop a self-deprecating sense of humor, which means they make fun of themselves or put themselves down in a way that makes other people laugh. This type of humor can be healthy, but experts also report that it can be an indicator of other emotional issues happening below the surface.
Self-deprecating humor masks their loneliness. By making jokes about themselves, it's almost as though they're teasing themselves before anyone else can do so.
While humor is a kind of connective tissue that brings people together, being mean to yourself for the sake of others will eventually erode your self-esteem, until you truly believe the cruel things you're saying.
Shifting your mindset and thinking positively about yourself is a challenging process, but it's one that will make you feel better about who you are, which is ultimately how you'll build your capacity to connect with other people.
9. They are perfectionists
GaudiLab | Shutterstock
Lonely people who also feel inferior can develop a complex where they believe they won't have friends or love until they're better, perfect or "worthy". They may look at other people and believe they're good enough for love despite imperfections, but don't extend themselves the same grace.
As a result, people may develop a quiet perfectionistic trait that keeps them closed off from others, which can become a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts. Because they are closed off in their pursuit of being good enough or perfect, people don't build relationships with them, which they believe supports the theory that they aren't worthy of love or friendship.
This is a sad cycle, but lonely people can start to break it simply by recognizing that they are in it. Some people even find benefit from saying out loud, to themselves, something like, "I'm closing myself off, and that is making me more lonely. I want to do something different so I can build connections."
10. They're overworkers
FamVeld | Shutterstock
Lonely people who find success in their careers often develop a trait of persistent overworking that keeps them closed off from others. According to a survey reported by the Harvard Graduate School of Education, 62% of people report being overworked, too busy or too tired from work in order to take actions that prevent loneliness. They also report that remote and hybrid work is contributing to their feelings of loneliness.
This is so common, it's hard to pinpoint exactly where it starts. Did they become lonely because they overworked and shut people out, or did they overwork because they were lonely and were craving success or appreciation where they could find it?
Regardless of where it starts, lonely people who overwork often get stuck in a self-perpetuating cycle. The lonelier they become, the more the dive into work, which further closes them off from others.
11. They disappear into fantasy media
Drazen Zigic | Shutterstock
Everyone needs an escape, and books, movies and TV are a great way to give your brain a little break and decompress. Some lonely people, however, may find disappearing into idealized media, like romance or fantasy series, an easy way to avoid the challenges of life.
While some fandoms create a community where people feel loved and supported in a way that adds to a fan's life, others become high-conflict and rife with gatekeeping, adding stress for a lonely person. That's why it's important to balance escapism with real-life interactions.
Anything, even a healthy reading or viewing habit, can become maladaptive when its used to avoid reality. So if you are a fandom or fantasy person, that's something to be proud of! But you can try to abate loneliness by finding (or creating!) IRL meetups or gatherings, book signings or game nights to come together and keep your loneliness at bay.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.
