9 Things Brilliant Women Never Apologize For, No Matter What Anyone Else Thinks
We all make mistakes, but there are some things no women should say 'sorry' for.
Jacob Lund via Shutterstock I find it so hard to believe that even today women still feel it’s necessary to apologize for things men would never apologize for. It is something I see over and over with my clients, and when I suggest doing things differently, they are often not even sure where to start. So we start with a list of things to stop saying "I'm sorry" for, no matter who is judging them.
Yes, we all make mistakes and apologies are important. But women must speak up for themselves, using their voice to advocate for themselves and those around them. This list can help you examine your motives when you apologize so you know that you're not saying sorry for things you should actually be proud of.
Here are nine things women shouldn't apologize for, no matter what others think
1. Feeling their emotions
I know few women who don’t have deep emotions, and I know few women who haven’t been shamed at least once in their lives for feeling those feelings.
This shame can often start with their parents. Being told not to “be a baby” when crying, or to “be tough,” over and over, can lead to suppressing feelings to please others. By the time they reach adulthood, this tendency has become ingrained. If they show their feelings, they rarely do it in front of people who will judge them.
In some ways, it's the American way to keep your feelings inside and tough things out. But you don’t have to do this! Suppressing your feelings will only make them more intense and could even make you sick, as suggested by a 2009 study.
It’s OK to feel your feelings. Yes, some people might judge you, but those aren’t people you should spend time with anyway.
2. Their success
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Are you one of those people who downplay their successes? Do you work hard for something and then, when someone comments on it, do you shy away or downplay it? If you do, it’s time to stop.
Every person who has worked hard for something is allowed to celebrate it. To embrace the feelings that come from accomplishment. To enjoy whatever benefits success brings. To accept the admiration of people who want to express it.
I have a client who has had a remarkable amount of success at work, but whenever her superiors recognize it, she plays it down. As a result, when it came time for a promotion, the new role went to a man, one who was willing to embrace the upper-level admiration and, therefore, reinforce it. Her downplaying of her success shot her in the foot.
So, if and when you find success, embrace it! And let others embrace it too!
3. Their independence
When I got married, part of my vow was to “always come back.” I know it sounds weird, but it was an expression of my independence. There were six years between my divorce and when I met my new husband. In that period, I developed an independent spirit and lifestyle I loved. I moved to NYC, built a business, and travelled extensively. When I met my husband, I wasn’t going to let go of my independence. It was important to me.
So, I spend a fair amount of time away from home, doing my own thing. And, surprisingly, many people judge me for it. They judge me for leaving my husband on his own, for not doing things with him. They judge me for making my own decisions, oftentimes putting my need for independence first.
After all, we are raised to believe we must put our lives as a couple first, sacrificing who we were as people before we wed. Fortunately, I have a husband who embraces my independence and is happy as long as I always come back!
Independence is a key part of a happy life. Studies in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology suggest sacrificing yourself for any one person, or to your kids or extended family, at the expense of yourself, is not OK.
Go for what you want and don’t let anyone judge you for it!
4. Putting themselves first
This is something women rarely, if ever, do — put themselves first. For some reason, women believe that to be good, we need to sacrifice everything important to us and ensure the happiness and well-being of those around us. And we do so at our own expense.
If we dare to do things differently, to put ourselves first for something big or small, we get judged for it.
Think of women who choose to go to work instead of being a stay-at-home mom. They get judged all the time, with many women feeling like they must apologize for it. Or a woman who is honest with her partner about not wanting to spend every Sunday with her mother-in-law because doing so is emotionally draining, and having to apologize for feeling this way
I am not saying anyone should always put themselves first. It is important to take care of people and meet certain obligations, but it’s also OK to sometimes choose yourself. If anyone judges you for it, which many people will, they will do so because they are jealous of your ability.
5. Being ambitious
Ambitious women are often judged. Ambitious women are judged by some men because they see them as less. They don’t have the abilities men do to be successful. They might believe a woman got ahead because she was pretty or sexy or something other than capable, and they judge them for it.
Of course, that judgment comes from being threatened by a woman, and that isn't OK.
Unfortunately, ambitious women can be judged by women as well. Perhaps they believe ambitious women don’t put their family first. Or they perceive an ambitious woman to think she is better. Or perhaps they just don’t understand the choices an ambitious woman makes.
If you are an ambitious woman, celebrate it, do not apologize for being this way. Again, this is part of who you are, and no woman should ever apologize for who she is.
6. Speaking up for themselves
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This is a tough one for women, being able to advocate for themselves. To be honest with other people about what is important to her.
Again, many women were raised to believe that speaking up for oneself is not OK, as explored by a paper in the International Journal of Public Theology, and it is important to put other people’s needs first. We watched our mothers keep silent, and that is how we believe a woman should be.
But the key part of being a happy person is possessing the ability to speak up for oneself. To advocate for what you want and need. Much like feeling your emotions and putting yourself first, speaking up for yourself is something women should actively do and never apologize for.
A man would never apologize for advocating for himself, they do it automatically. It’s time for women to do the same.
7. Wanting what they want
I talked to a client last week who had just wandered into a new shop and purchased some clothes. She had fallen in love with these things and knew they would be the perfect addition to her wardrobe. And, she felt horrible about it.
She felt horrible because she believed spending money on herself was silly. She should save the money for her kids and husband. The guilt she felt for acting on what she wanted was deep. Then she told me her husband hired a golf pro five days a week to work on his golf game, and he had no guilt at all.
We talked about why he could spend money and be fine with it, and she might buy herself a few things and feel guilty. She couldn’t explain it to me. I told her it was OK to embrace what she wanted. After all, it's her money, and she puts in a lot of time and effort for her family, and a little something for herself was perfectly fine. She deserved it.
My client did not, as she originally planned, return those items, but instead she wore them proudly the next day!
8. Believing their own truth
How many times have you gone into a conversation with someone, clear about what your truth is? And how many times have you left the conversation, badgered into some other version of your truth? More than once, I am guessing.
Women must have faith in their truths. They are wiser than they think, and what they believe to be a truth is a truth. It is their truth. Just because someone else doesn’t embrace the same truth, it doesn’t mean you have to shift yours.
Many women apologize for sticking to their truths, for not being “flexible” and bending to the will of others. Because standing up for their truths instead of capitulating is something women often do, they not only accept someone else’s truth but apologize for having one of their own.
It doesn’t have to be this way! Women are reflective and often thoughtfully land on their truths. That is nothing to apologize for.
9. Knowing that they are good enough
When reviewing the preceding eight things women should never apologize for, I see one consistent theme: A woman should never apologize for knowing she is good enough.
Good enough to have an opinion, to advocate for herself, and to put herself first. To stand by what she believes in, to embrace what she wants, to value her independence.
Many women apologize for being and having all of those things because they just don’t feel like they deserve them. They are not worthy of speaking up for themselves and having what they want in life. Instead, they struggle with low self-esteem and do not believe themselves worthy. As a result, they apologize for much of their lives, truly believing they don’t deserve the right to get what they want in life.
Because they apologize and don’t reach out for what they want, they tend to get overlooked and under appreciated, which damages their self-esteem further, as supported by an American Psychological Association review. So, know you are good enough. Every woman is good enough not to have to apologize for their life. Including you!
Understanding why you might apologize is the key to making change. And making change is exactly how you can get the life and love you want!
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in MSN, Prevention, and Psych Central.
