If You Didn't Get Enough Attention From Your Parents As A Child, You Likely Struggle With 11 Tough Issues Now
ArkHawt | Shutterstock Children need attention from their primary caregivers. While this seems obvious, many kids never got enough of the right kind of attention from their parents, making them more likely to struggle with some specific issues well into adulthood.
According to Christine Raches, PsyD, writing for the IU School of Medicine, positive attention plays a significant role in developing a positive self-image. "Positive attention," she writes helps children internalize the messages shared and helps them to develop confidence and the belief that they can achieve their dreams and goals." That's liekly why kids who didn't get enough attention struggle in these profound ways.
If you didn't get enough attention from your parents as a child, you likely struggle with 11 tough issues now
1. Difficulty setting boundaries
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If you didn't get enough attention from your parents as a child, it's highly possible that you have a hard time setting limits as an adult. That's because you weren't taught how to do so growing up, nor were your needs met.
Because your needs went consistently unmet, you might worry that establishing boundaries will lead to people leaving you. Sadly, that doesn't give you an opportunity to grow and learn in a safe family setting. Instead, you have to learn by trial-and-error as an adult, which can be especially painful.
Therapist Merle Yost explains that a person's childhood can shape their boundaries because "We believe our family's patterns are 'just how it is.'" Yost noted, "It takes commitment to change a family pattern. Examining, probing, questioning, and accepting what you uncover is the beginning of healing and solidifying your boundaries."
Setting boundaries isn't easy, but once you begin to think about the reasons why you struggle to do so, you'll be able to start establishing them.
2. Fear of abandonment
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Another sign you didn't get enough attention from your parents is that you're constantly concerned that people will abandon you. This can manifest in a number of ways, like holding on too tight to relationships, even the ones that don't fully serve you. Or, conversely, ghosting people or pushing them away as soon as you start feeling vulnerable.
Philosophy professor Brit Brogaard explains that having a dependent or anxious attachment style "is characterized by a strong need for constant validation from others, especially partners and friends." She notes that this attachment style can push people away, thereby leading to the exact outcome a person with anxious attachment was trying to avoid.
Brogaard shares that once a person realizes that they have an anxious attachment style, they can begin to modify their behavior to achieve a more secure style of attachment. Even if it's your parent's fault that you didn't get enough attention, once you're an adult you'll have to be the one who heals.
3. Trouble regulating your emotions
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If your parents didn't give you enough attention, chances are they didn't teach you how to regulate your emotions, which means you have trouble doing so as an adult. They likely also walked away or emotionally abandoned you when you showed big feelings, which only further exacerbated these problems.
According to Harvard Health, there are various steps you can take to learn how to regulate your emotions, including mindfulness, CBT and even simply acknowledging what it is that you're feeling. If you try to push your feelings down or ignore them the way you did as a child, you won't be able to move through them. Other tactics for emotional regulation include going outside, taking a walk, and practicing breathing exercises.
While a lack of parental attention might influence you in adulthood, you don't have to stay stuck in that place, and you can heal your inner child by teaching yourself what your parents weren't able to do.
4. Trust issues and low expectations
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Being neglected emotionally as a child can lead to having trust issues as an adult. It might be hard for you to fully trust the people in your life, as you have a hard time believing that they genuinely care about you.
While not all parents who didn't give enough attention to their children were emotionally neglectful, there is a large overlap between them. Sadly, research shows that parents who struggle to be emotionally attentive to their children had higher scores on the Adverse Childhood Events (ACEs) test.
If you weren't able to rely on your parents to show up for you how you needed them to, it's highly likely that your level of expectations for other people is exceedingly low. You might expect people to let you down, or not be there for you when you need support.
Carrying your childhood trust issues into adulthood can make it hard to form truly intimate bonds with people. You might have a consistent fear that people will walk away from you when things get difficult, because that's what your parents did.
Voicing these fears is the first step to overcoming them, and learning to let people in little by little can help you create strong relationships.
5. Overwhelming fear of rejection
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If you didn't get enough attention from your parents as a child, you may struggle with an overwhelming fear of being rejected. While this fear can manifest in various ways, you might find that you avoid social situations as a self-protective measure or that you hold the belief that you can only rely on yourself, because other people won't be there for you.
You might withdraw when the going gets tough, which makes maintaining long-term relationships especially difficult. Great relationships require the patience to work through hard times faithfully. According to relationship coach Larry Michel, "Real relationships take work, patience, and growth. The key is finding someone willing to put in the effort with you, not expecting perfection."
This can be a challenge when you never got that sort of patience from your parents, but it's worth the effort to heal and overcome this fear of rejection.
6. Pathological overachieving
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If you didn't get enough parental attention, or if they only showed you conditional love when you accomplished something, it's highly possible that you became an overachiever as an adult. The attention you did receive was based around your success, which means you internalized the need to always be perfect.
As life coach Ellen Nyland explains about pathological perfectionists, "Perfectionism is the relentless pursuit of flawlessness and the setting of unattainably high standards, often accompanied by self-criticism and fear of failure." She adds that signs of being a perfectionist include being highly self-critical when you make a mistake, having trouble accepting constructive criticism, and never feeling like you're good enough.
Nyland notes that by being a perfectionist, "You're essentially robbing yourself of the joy and satisfaction that comes with recognizing your accomplishments, leading to a perpetual cycle of feeling never quite 'good enough.'"
It isn't easy to release perfectionist tendencies, yet Nyland advises starting off by making a list of priorities, taking time to relax, and asking for help when you need it, so you don't feel like you have to do everything alone. At some point, you'll be ready to let go of the expectation, no matter how deeply buried it might be, that being perfect would earn you enough attention from your parents to make up for what they didn't give you as a child.
7. Decision paralysis
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If you have a hard time making decisions without the approval of other people, it could be a sign you didn't get enough attention from your parents as a child. You didn't learn to trust your own intuition, which makes you question yourself and your judgment. You might struggle with "analysis paralysis" when it comes to making tough choices, which means you essentially shut down when faced with a difficult decision.
Because your parents didn't guide you or teach you how to trust yourself, you entered adulthood not knowing how to make your own independent decisions. You might be dependent on other people to decide things for you, which can make you feel like you lack agency over your own life.
You can break yourself of the habit by tuning into what your body is telling you. Start by making small decisions that have low impact, like what you want to eat for dinner or how you want to spend your time over the weekend. Paying attention to what you want will help you learn who you really are, and allow you to establish an identity all of your own.
8. Debilitating self-doubt
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Everyone experiences moments of self-doubt, but if you find that you always feel worthless, it's a sign that your parents didn't give you enough attention when you were young. It's highly likely that you internalized the emotional neglect your parents imparted on you, and now, you think you're not good enough or worthy of love and care.
Breaking apart the negative feedback loop telling you that you aren't enough isn't easy, but it's essential for experiencing true self-love and self-compassion. Remind yourself that you don't need to repeat your parents' mistakes, and you can show up for yourself in ways they weren't able or willing to do.
Overcoming self-doubt can be a long and difficult process, but by retraining your internal voice to be kind and gentle when you make mistakes, you can give yourself the love you need and learn to believe in yourself as a fully worthy human being.
9. Off-putting attention-seeking behavior
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It's one thing when a little child interrupts conversations, tries to put on a show in front of everyone at a party or has a meltdown over something small, but when an adult who didn't get enough attention from their parents does it, "off-putting" would be putting it mildly. Still, it happens again and again to some people who struggle with the woulds caused by inadequate attention and care when they were kids.
This issue often happens with people who haven't yet addressed the wounds caused by not getting enough of the right attention from parents. They may say their parents' busy-ness or distraction wasn't a big deal, or they may acknowledge the hurt but not connect it to their theatrics.
Unfortunately, this behavior pushes people away and causes the person to feel even more rejection and neglect. However, once they acknowledge the source of the problem, they can start working toward healthier ways to feel seen and build self-esteem.
10. Serial monogamy
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Adults who didn't get enough attention from parents as children often struggle staying in one long-term relationship. Why? Because they often have an unsatiable need for love and attention from someone special.
To borrow a popular term from the 1990s, serial monogamy is "the act of constantly moving from one relationship to another without taking any time at all to heal, grow, and reflect,” according to therapist Adrienne L. Marshall. Often, people who are serial monogamists crave the initial thrill of falling for someone, then leave the relationship as soon as it becomes challenging.
Serial monogamists aren't cheaters, necessarily, they're just always always always in or looking for a serious relationship.
11. Self-isolation and loneliness
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While some people who didn't get enough attention from parents as a child actively try to seek attention, companionship and connection, others are only comfortable when they're isolated from others. Sadly, this can lead to serious loneliness.
Often paired with a fear of rejection, self-isolation isn't about enjoying time alone (which is a perfectly healthy thing), it's about being too afraid to be hurt again. After all, childhood wounds cut deep and need a lot of support and care to heal.
Unfortunately, this healing can rarely happen in isolation. As Dr. Harville Hendrix and his wife Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt, authors of the iconic book Getting the Love You Want, often say, "We are born in relationship, we are wounded in relationship, and we can be healed in relationship.” To heal from rejection, unfortunately, we need to risk our hearts again and try to open up to love.
Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture analysis and all things to do with the entertainment industry.
