The Art Of Self-Respect: 6 Boundaries Every Parent Should Teach Their Daughter (Before Life Does)
FatCamera | Canva Dear Daughter: Throughout your lifetime, you will run into lots of dating advice about how to catch a spouse, how to be attractive, how to "keep a partner and the list goes on. Can I tell you right now that all of the advice is pure and total trash?
Sure, you can follow those instructions and "catch" yourself a spouse, but if you've followed said advice, are they the person you want? If you have to catch a partner like a fish, you might consider setting them free. Instead, look for a partner, not a fish.
As you constantly tell me: "Just sayin'." So here, my wonderful girl, are some signs of true love and non-negotiable qualities for the person who is lucky enough to call you their partner for life. Love, Mom
Here are the 6 boundaries every parent should teach their daughter before life does:
1. Don't invest in someone who can't show or say they care
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If they can't tell you how much they love you, then they can't handle the big conversations all healthy, long-term relationships need. Not to mention, you deserve to hear words that convey love and affection throughout your entire life.
Research on love languages found that when your partner expresses their affection in ways that actually match what you need to feel loved, both of you end up way more satisfied with the relationship. When someone says they care but can't show it or tell you, you end up feeling unloved and unsatisfied, even if they swear they have feelings for you, because they're not giving you what you actually need to feel secure and valued.
2. Don't overinvest where enthusiasm isn't returned
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If you've gone on a couple of dates with them and they haven't asked you any questions about you, run like an axe murderer is chasing you. The best relationships involve mutual respect and mutual interest in each other's lives. Self-centeredness is truly one of the worst qualities you can find in a potential mate.
Reciprocity, where both people are equally invested, is absolutely central to relationship satisfaction. When there's a balanced exchange, it builds trust and keeps you both engaged, studies have found. When someone isn't showing mutual interest or asking about your life, it creates a lopsided dynamic where you're putting in way more effort than they are, which leads straight to dissatisfaction and resentment.
3. Don't mistake control for care
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You are not a fragile doll they must care for — and neither are they. Loving couples take care of each other because they are life partners. Research on interdependence found that healthy relationships work best when both partners mutually support each other instead of one person playing caretaker to the other, as if they're helpless.
When relationships are based on mutual support, where you're both influencing and cheering each other on, you both end up with better relationship satisfaction and overall well-being because you're actually life partners instead of stuck in these one-sided caretaker roles that limit both of you.
4. Don't pursue someone who values how you look more than who you are
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Of course, you want the attraction, but if they are only about your body parts, they are unlikely to value how brilliant, clever, and funny you are. Don't let them make your body the focus of your relationship until the end of time. When your partner objectifies you by only focusing on your physical appearance instead of seeing you as a whole person, it seriously tanks relationship satisfaction for both of you, researchers have argued.
Viewing your partner mainly as a body to look at instead of a person with thoughts and feelings gets in the way of real intimacy because you can't develop the deeper emotional connection that actually makes relationships satisfying when someone's stuck on your body parts.
5. Don't spend your time with a person you want to change
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If you can't live with their bad habits or qualities now, then you shouldn't be with them in the future. They will only change if and when they want to. Research from renowned American psychologist John Gottman found that people can only change when they feel basically liked and accepted for who they are, not when they feel criticized or pressured to be different.
When someone feels under attack or criticized for their traits, they literally can't change because they go into defensive mode to protect themselves instead of being open to growth, which means trying to change your partner is basically guaranteed to backfire and keep them stuck exactly where they are.
6. Don't ever settle for a person who only offers you crumbs
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You will go through life starving. Love fully and completely, and don't settle for anything less in return. Don't let loneliness or insecurity dictate who you love. That won't be real or satisfying — it will be filling a deficit in your life. Find a person from a place of security and confidence so you don't feel you need them to complete you, but rather someone you love and who loves you back.
Lisa Kaplin is a psychologist, certified professional life and executive coach, and a highly experienced corporate speaker. She helps people overcome stress and overwhelm in order to find joy in their personal lives and success and meaning in their professional lives.
