People Who Believe These 5 Myths About Monogamy Sadly Often End Up In Unhappy Relationships
BBernard | Shutterstock According to anthropologists, when humans don't understand how something works, we create myths to explain them. Some of the myths that have developed around love, like the concepts of soul mates and twin flames and they are quaint and hopeful. Others, like myths about monogamy and commitment feel hopelessly trapped in the past and can contribute to people's unhappiness in relationships.
Kinsey Institute researcher, Justin R. Garcia, Ph.D. is a biological anthropologist who is particularly interested in myths surrounding monogamy. His latest book, The Intimate Animal, explores the science behind why we live for love.
On a recent episode of Getting Open, Dr. Garcia explained how we can use clinical research to learn how to spend more time in the "ups" and less in the "downs" of our romantic relationships. This was his real goal as an evolutionary biologist: to help people have happier relationships by letting go of old relationship rules that don't work for today's couples.
People who believe these 5 myths about monogamy sadly often end up in unhappy relationships
1. Myth: All monogamy is the same
Truth: Scientists define two different types, social monogamy and sexual monogamy.
Intimacy is a biological drive as fundamental as the drive to reproduce, and it’s critical to human survival. Humans evolved for social monogamy, but not necessarily sexual monogamy, and Dr. Garcia says this conflict shapes modern relationships.
Humans are the only species that institutionalize pair bonding, and only 3% of mammals and 15% of primates do pair bonding at all — and that includes other social mammals. Social monogamy is about becoming a life teammate for survival and raising a family. Anthropological biology tells us we fall in love with certain people due to biology and culture, and the ultimate goal is to keep the human species going.
"Initially, biologists think about reproduction and raising offspring [when they imagine the role of pair bonding], but for humans, it's also for survival," explains Dr. Garcia. "Those pair bonds allowed our ancestors to weather uncertainty."
2. Myth: Only men want variety in partners
Truth: Women, men, everyone craves variety equally
Both men and women want the safety of the long-term bond and variety. Dr. Garcia says, "The young want it, the old want it. It's that interest in variety. So we often feel pulled in these two directions, these two desires that we've evolved."
In response to who cheats more, Dr. Garcia replied, "If you asked me that question 20 years ago, I would say men engaged in, and men struggled more with sexual monogamy. A lot of new studies see very small gender differences. And I think that's partly because things are changing."
In those small differences, women tend to be a little bit more upset by emotional infidelity while men are often more upset by physical infidelity. The fact that this infidelity gap has arisen suggest that having both men and women in the workplace, both having access to social media, allows more freedom to engage and more opportunities to question monogamy for pursuing variety.
3. Myth: Only bad people commit infidelity
Truth: A lot of people are unfaithful at one point in their lives.
It's just hard to measure infidelity. When asked about a lifetime of infidelity, a high number of people will admit to being unfaithful at some point, but it depends on exactly how they are asked the question and what the answers focus on. Survey samples can vary from 14% to 80% of people admitting to infidelity. That's a wild disparity!
This disparity exists because of differences in defining terms, defining timelines, getting honest responses, changing relationship models and different consequences of infidelity. For example, there are couples that are mongamous, but have an unspoken "don't ask don't tell" policy around cheating.
Ultimately, Dr. Garcia thinks the most reliable number of people who have committed adultery is around 25%.
4. Myth: Evolution wants genetic diversity, thus monogamy is unnatural for humans
Truth: There are evolutionary reasons why monogamy developed, as well as reasons why people crave variety
An intimacy crisis in modern society has its root causes, and individuals (and communities) can respond by understanding how two different forces may be at work inside of them. After all, if we believe that only one of these two forces is at work, we may overemphasize its influence or importance.
"The way that evolution works is that we have this mechanism craving diversity, a variation of novelty, and it can be hard to rein it in," says Dr. Garcia. On the other hand, we also have a craving for the stability and safety provided by pair bonding and monogamy. This creates a push-pull inside that humans have to manage.
"You don't want to have so much infidelity that you ruin your partnership, but enough to get the desire for variation," he told host Andrea Miller.
5. Myth: There's a gene that makes people cheat, so it's unavoidable
Truth: Yes, there's an associated gene variation, but it's way more complicated than that.
Risk-taking, sensation seeking, and infidelity are all part of the same gene. This gene is also associated with compulsive and addictive behaviors. Dr. Garcia is clear, though, "We're never prisoners of our biology. We've also evolved these frontal cortices. That's the other part of our evolutionary legacy."
Not everyone with this gene commits infidelity, and plenty of people who cheat don't have it. It is a predisposition, not a promise.
Above all else, while we are mammals, we are also a very highly developed species. We can take what we know about biological anthropology, genetics and even psychology and use all of them to make better choices, practice self-control and prioritize our values. We can bust these monogamy myths and build relationship models that are unique and rewarding.
Will Curtis is YourTango's expert editor. Will has over 14 years of experience as an editor covering relationships, spirituality, and human interest topics.
