4 Things Deeply Toxic Families Do On A Regular Basis
It might feel like your family is super-close, but these clues suggest something is amiss.
Anna Keibalo | Unsplash A close family is a knit-sweater of warmth, care, and comfort, a nurturing and forgiving environment. Toxic enmeshment disguised as familial closeness, on the other hand, can be a rigid filter of control, a controlling and unforgiving environment.
Research suggests that children in toxic families that are enmeshed may struggle with autonomy, identity formation, and emotional regulation, potentially experiencing anxiety, insecurity, and difficulty in regulating their own emotions. Individuals may carry patterns of enmeshment into their relationships, perpetuating unhealthy dynamics.
Here are four things deeply toxic families do on a regular basis:
1. Have no boundaries
A close family shares a strong bond and emotional support, where individual members can pursue their interests and relationships while still maintaining a sense of connection. In a close family, boundaries are respected, and independence is encouraged, allowing each person to grow and develop their own identity.
An enmeshed family, on the other hand, lacks clear boundaries. Members are overly involved in each other's lives, often to the detriment of individual autonomy and personal growth.
Decisions, emotions, and relationships are heavily intertwined, leading to dependency and difficulty in establishing separate identities and independent lives. In enmeshed families, individuality can be sacrificed for the sake of maintaining the family unit's cohesion.
— Erika Jordan, Dating Coach / NLP Practitioner
2. Operate on fear
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Enmeshed families often operate on fear, with poor boundaries and an intolerance for exploration beyond the family's small, closed world. In contrast, a close family fosters connection through openness, freedom, autonomy, expansion, flexibility, and an ability to tolerate a wide world of novelty.
— Eva Van Prooyen, Marriage and Family Therapist, Relationship Specialist
3. Exhibit poor boundaries
A close family takes an interest in what you do and how you feel, with healthy boundaries that allow you to grow and thrive as an independent person. An enmeshed family has poor boundaries — their constant efforts to mold you into who they expect you to be without leaving you room to grow as an individual can result in an adult who has a weak sense of self, codependent patterns, and poor boundaries with romantic partners.
— Dr. Gloria Brame, Ph.D., Therapist
4. Hyperfocus on 'being close'
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The primary difference between a close family dynamic and an enmeshed family dynamic is the emotional states and mindsets that drive them. In enmeshed families, there is an inherent fear in the dynamic that drives the system to hyper-focus on "closeness" without the foundational confidence and calmness true connection requires.
Differences and disagreements are met with a crisis mode, and an individual's need for space or autonomy is seen as a threat instead of a natural part of life. The sentiment of the family is, "We are always at risk of losing each other, so we have to stay on guard constantly so that nothing terrible happens to our bonds."
In families with secure attachment patterns, there is an inherent trust in the dynamic that drives the system to be connected and flexible. Differences and disagreements are seen as a normal part of relationships, and given the time and attention they need to resolve without significant panic to the family identity.
Close families are operating with mature mindsets about relationships. The sentiment of the family is "We belong together and can adapt to whatever changes or different seasons come our way."
— Eli Harwood, Counselor/Therapist
Enmeshment in the family is a rigid filter. Each grid line is designed to hold something back. Only the vital components are allowed through the mesh, and the filter will end up holding too much back. It clogs, begins to rust, erodes, and bursts.
Closeness in a family is the sweater knit from individual threads. Each thread wraps around the others to become flexible and functional. The sweater can stretch and adjust as we move. The sweater grows more comfortable the more we wear it.
Will Curtis is YourTango's expert editor. Will has over 14 years of experience as an editor covering relationships, spirituality, and human interest topics.
