I Couldn't Seem To Lift My Mood — Then 7 Simple Habits Helped Me Become A Happy Person Again
These small, doable habits slowly pulled me out of my emotional fog.
Rodrigo Rodrigues Wolf | Unsplash We all want to know how to be happy, but life changes and transitions are hard to face. As we go through them, we are changed, and nothing is the same again. Sometimes, I wish there were a manual we could reference when life events knock us upside down. Wouldn’t it be great if we had a simple formula for living through these difficult times?
Life will change, that's a given. When someone suddenly dies, and you’re left alone to fend for yourself, what do you do? Or, your husband comes home and springs the words, "I don’t love you anymore … I want a divorce", what is your first reaction? On the other hand, the transition may be more expected because your last child has left home.
What you didn’t expect was feeling as if you didn’t know who you were anymore. Where do you turn to figure it out? Having lived through more than a few of my own major life events, I have tried various ways to turn myself right side up and find happiness in life again. When I can see things more clearly, I begin to move forward. The key to being happier after a huge life change is to keep an open mind, then adapt and apply the strategies to your current transition, creating your own simple formula for living.
I couldn't seem to lift my mood — then 7 simple habits helped me become a happy person again:
1. I grounded myself in what actually matters
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Life has a way of changing you. Consequently, your values may change over time. You may notice that you have compromised your own values to keep the peace and live by someone else’s. Regardless of what major life event you may now be facing, take some time to re-evaluate your own core values. Write them down and allow them to influence each and every decision you make going forward.
Ask yourself: "Does this decision honor my value of (you fill in the blanks)?" For example, you are considering whether to stay in your family home or move after going through a divorce, and one of your core values may be financial freedom.
Although your emotions may be raw and you can’t imagine moving at this time, staying in that home may be unaffordable, and your core value of financial freedom may not be honored by staying and paying more than your budget would allow. The decision will be made easier when you rely on your values to guide you. This could be part of your formula for living.
2. I stopped repeating the same story about myself
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It’s human nature to tell everyone who will listen that something major has happened to you, especially when they ask, "How are you doing?" Their response helps you to feel compassion from others, which is not a bad thing — until it is. There comes a point when repeating the story becomes a trap, and you become a victim of the story. You create more drama the more you tell it. As a result, you become stuck in your story.
When you decide this is not how the story ends, you will be able to stop telling the old one and start thinking about the ending you want to design instead. What you share with others will become what you want to happen next, rather than what has happened. Another potential piece for your formula for living.
A study from the University of Liverpool found that the most important way that a person's past experiences, such as traumatic life events, led to depression or anxiety was by leading a person to ruminate and blame themselves for the problem. Repeatedly sharing your story with friends is called co-rumination, which is defined as extensive speculation and focus on negative feelings related to personal problems.
3. I gave myself permission to press pause
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Permit yourself to stop. When major life events happen, you are likely feeling thrust into situations and a flurry of activity — people to talk with, decisions to make, and an emotional roller coaster that won’t stop. You need time to gather yourself, take a breath, think, and be still. Allow yourself this break so you can be better equipped to meet the difficult conversations with more dignity and grace.
Deep, slower breathing signals the parasympathetic nervous system to take over the sympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for the body's stress response. Studies have also shown that 20 sessions of fifteen minutes of breathing from the diaphragm over eight weeks reduced physiological markers of stress in healthy adults.
4. I asked for help in the way I needed it
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There is no shame in asking, and this means asking for help in any way you need it. Financially. Personally. Spiritually. Physically. Or in any other way. Life is hard enough when things are going well, to do it alone. But when things blow up in your life, it is the worst possible time to play the lone wolf. No need to be too proud to ask or too ashamed.
You may need help because your husband is now gone, and you have no idea what bills he paid or where his accounts are held. Someone with financial savvy can help. It may be strength and faith you need to get you through this, so seek a spiritual guide. Most of us are deeply prosocial and want to make a positive difference in others' lives, and people often feel happier after conducting acts of kindness.
Research on recovery and well-being confirms that those who have close personal relationships cope better with various stressors. When all the craziness has settled down, and everyone has gone back to their lives, you may not know who you are or what you want. Reach out to someone who has been where you are and can offer a different perspective. Allow people you trust to participate in your new formula for living.
5. I stopped obsessing over the 'what could've beens'
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Worrying about all the things that could happen will not help. In fact, I love the adage: "Worrying is like praying for what you don’t want." So, when those "what if...?" scenarios start dancing in your head, it’s another time to say, "Stop!" Much like you can stop repeating your old story, you can stop playing and replaying the things that have not happened.
Preparing yourself for something that may never happen is an enormous expenditure of energy that you can’t get back. Plus, it can only dampen your spirit at a time when you need to be lifted. There are enough other things to drag you down at a time of difficult transition — you don’t need to play an active role in it.
Research has shown that worry depletes the ability to exert attention and control, meaning your brain has less capacity for the things that actually matter. Even an imagined threat activates the body's defense mechanisms, reducing blood flow to the frontal cortex and impairing cognitive functions such as memory and decision-making speed.
6. I fully committed to the live-laugh-love lifestyle
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This is a tough one to manage when life has taken you down for the count. Remember, this "simple formula for living" may not always be easy. The truth is, even if you sometimes want to stop living, loving, and laughing, it is against your nature to do so. You are designed to live, love, and laugh. So, fighting it just makes the transition you’re going through harder.
Life does go on. And, loving yourself through the difficult times is an essential piece of moving beyond the loss, grief, turmoil, and resettling. Likewise, finding times and ways to laugh will help you release stress, tension, and worry. Making a conscious choice to add this to your formula will make a wonderful difference in how you come out on the other end of the transition.
Even when you don't feel like laughing, research says that the simple act of laughter reduces stress, anxiety, and tension and counteracts symptoms of depression. We are 30 times more likely to laugh at something when we are with other people, which means connecting with loved ones serves double duty, providing both social support and opportunities for mood-boosting moments of joy.
7. I trusted the signals my body sent
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Finally, tune into your body and listen for signs that what you are choosing is right for you at this time. Your intuition is a powerful guide when going through massive changes. Sit quietly and wait for the signals. Ask yourself if this choice or that decision is a good one, and watch what happens. Do you feel the warmth around your heart? Perhaps, you get chills when you say something
An immediate "yes" or "no" may come to your lips. You may wonder where that came from. Your body knows. And, your inner wisdom will speak when you stop and wait for it to guide you. One or more of these strategies may help you figure out how to be happy in life and create your own simple formula for living through difficult transitions.
So, try them out. Adapt them to your own personal circumstance and then apply them each time life turns you upside down. It may not feel easy at first, but with practice, these strategies can be a lifeline to turning you right side up again when life changes happen.
María Tomás-Keegan is a certified career and life coach for women, transition expert, and founder of Transition & Thrive with María.
