6 Rare Habits Of People Who Don’t Spiral When Things Don't Go Exactly To Plan
Korie Cull | Unsplash Spiraling when things aren’t just right or don't go exactly to plan is often a product of anxiety and depression.
Researchers have found that people with emotional control issues often create their own stress and then dwell on the stress they created, which leads to depression and anxiety. The study also suggested that helping people manage their reactions and reduce self-generated stress can prevent anxiety and depression, especially for those with cognitive control challenges.
So, how do you counteract your perfectionist upbringing — an upbringing that often leads to spiraling? Can you unlearn the "If you don't do it right, don't do it at all" mindset? Yes. There are. There are ways to be less concerned with having everything go perfectly according to plan (because that's not real life) and more interested in a healthier, balanced life of trust and ease.
Here are six rare habits of people who don’t spiral when things don't go exactly to plan:
1. They feel their emotions instead of suppressing them
Perfectionists suppress their emotions. To undo that damage, you must become intimately acquainted with your feelings. This process is similar to getting strength back into a muscle that has atrophied.
Wellness coach Michele Brookhaus said, "All of your emotions are who you truly are. If you don't express what you don't like, it's also hard to express what you like. The more you are you, the easier it gets. At first, this might be a bit rough because people aren't used to you expressing your whole self. You may overdo it. You may be louder and angrier than you intend to be, but that's just a pendulum swing. It will come back into balance, and you continue to allow all of your emotions."
2. People who don't spiral continue to adapt as things change
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Instead of living your life for others, you must become aware of what you actually want. Easier said than done. Sit still and think about it. Meditate on it. Journal about it. Have conversations with friends, family members, and coaches. Try a bunch of things, "fail" at most of them, and repeat. Do whatever it takes to figure out what you want, and then go after those things until they are a part of your daily life.
"Even when you learn to love your life and yourself, you will always be a work in progress because life is changing," life coach Debra Smouse reminded. "As such, we have to continue to work to roll with change. And keep evolving ourselves. We have to commit to continuing to do the work that helps us live our lives and ourselves today, next year, and ten years from now."
3. People who don’t spiral remind themselves that their worth isn't something they have to earn
Regularly remind yourself that you are inherently valuable just for existing, not just for the value you bring to the world in a more externally tangible way. You are lovable as you are, today, in this very moment. I promise.
Couples therapist Dr. Ava Caldell asked, "Do you treat yourself with the same compassion and kindness as your friends and loved ones? If you don't, you need to make self-care a priority before anything else in your life. Wrap your arms around your heart and hug yourself every day when you wake up and at night before you sleep.
Show respect to yourself by setting boundaries and prioritizing your needs, so don’t say 'yes' to someone and 'no' to yourself. Reward yourself with gifts, no matter how small, whether it’s an emotional gift, like sleeping in longer than usual, or a tangible gift, like buying your favorite coffee."
4. They stop trying to control everything and learn to let life unfold
Instead of pretending like you have any control over life, surrender to life.
- Surrender to resting and regularly making time for your self-care.
- Surrender to allowing yourself to experience your emotions as they come up for you.
- Surrender to letting someone love you.
- Surrender to not knowing what you’re going to be doing with your life in five years, let alone five minutes from now.
Let go. Take your hands off the metaphorical steering wheel, and simply trust that life has your back.
5. They don't take everything so seriously
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Perfectionists tend to take every part of life overly seriously. The antidote? Laughter. Health coach Teresa Brenke explained, "When we feel out of control, we get stuck in destructive patterns. Laughter has this ability to take our most painful events and give us a bit of hope and strength. One of the greatest gifts in moving yourself forward when you feel stuck is laughter. When we take in more oxygen while laughing, we release endorphins. This gives you quick and effective energy."
Whether you intentionally make time for laughter by going to see movies, stand-up comics, or professional improvisers or not, cultivating the ability to laugh at life (and at yourself) will serve you well in your journey of letting go of perfectionism.
6. People who don't spiral stop overextending themselves
Instead of over-functioning and trying to meet everyone else’s needs before your own, try flipping the script. Meet your own needs first. Many perfectionists have no idea where to even begin with such a task.
Here’s some recommended homework for you if this concept fries circuits in your brain:
- Commit to putting yourself first for an entire week.
- Invest in your self-care.
- Indulge in the kind of play that you enjoy.
- Make your self-care and rest a priority.
- Be selfish.
See what thoughts or feelings come up for you during this process, and choose to love and accept those thoughts and feelings. If you enjoy the week and prioritize your own needs, carry on. If you hate it (hint: you won’t), then go back to your old ways and continue to always be on the edge of burnout. The choice is yours.
Jordan Gray is a five-time Amazon best-selling author, public speaker, and relationship coach with more than a decade of practice. His work has been featured in The New York Times, BBC, Forbes, The Huffington Post, Women's Health, and The Good Men Project, among countless others.
