People In The Roommate Stage Of Marriage Are Actually Experiencing These 11 Beautiful Things
Seeing each other as roommates for a while can actually be beneficial.
Miljan Zivkovic / Shutterstock Everyone has probably heard of the infamous roommate stage of marriage, and most of us believe it's something we should try to avoid at almost all costs. While this stage does have its downsides, people in the roommate stage of marriage are actually experiencing beautiful things they can grow from, both as a couple and as individuals.
Yes, being in the roommate stage of marriage is far from ideal. Like anything in life, people crave excitement and something new, which this stage often lacks. Yet if couples can withstand the storm, they'll find that there's much to learn in this stage that most couples simply miss.
People in the roommate stage of marriage are actually experiencing these 11 beautiful things
1. A quiet, unspoken safety
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People in the roommate stage of marriage are actually experiencing a quiet, unspoken safety. It sounds strange, however, being roommates doesn't always mean the end of the world. For many, it could be a sign of feeling content in their marriage. After spending years together, they've developed a pattern of familiarity. With friendship as the foundation of any strong marriage, they feel casual and at ease with one another.
Of course, it can be boring from time to time. However, finding comfort in the boredom is crucial to surviving this inevitable stage. Whether we like it or not, this is a stage 90% of us are bound to go through. As Gary W. Lewandowski Jr., Ph.D., explained, "The excitement we feel early on in any experience dissipates over time. We habituate. As we learn more about our relationship partner, there are fewer opportunities to learn new things. As we fall into routines, there’s less excitement."
So, if a couple finds themselves in this stage, never panic. While it may feel off or uncomfortable, this is just another sign that they're getting used to one another's presence.
2. Doing life side-by-side
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Sure, it's not fun to feel like love has become de-centered in marriage. Even if they feel like best friends in the moment, men and women crave emotional intimacy from their partner. Even so, people in the roommate stage of marriage are actually experiencing doing life side-by-side. In the moment, it may feel like things are falling apart. However, how they choose to look at this moment will reveal what's in store for their marriage later on.
Whether it's running errands together or cleaning the home together, finding joy in the small moments is either going to make or break this union. For those who choose to see this era as a test of their teamwork, congrats. You're probably the ones who will survive and thrive in this era.
However, for those who become frustrated at the mundane, buckle up. Marriage is all about its ups and downs, so if they can't even find the silver lining, they might not survive the roommate stage.
3. Effortless companionship
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They often say that a good marriage is built on friendship, and they aren't lying. Some married couples might not want to hear it. However, marriage isn't always about love. After spending years together and having kids, it's normal to feel resentful or frustrated with one's partner. While one person feels they're giving too much, another feels they're being nagged 24/7.
While both feelings are valid, the glue that holds these couples together is often something simple: friendship. Being best friends and having that effortless companionship is something that people in the early stages of marriage, such as the roommate stage, actually experience. For some, this may read as a huge waste of time. Yet, according to psychologist Mark Travers, Ph.D., "Investing in this friendship means investing in the long-term health and happiness of your relationship."
So, for couples looking to thrive in this stage of marriage, enjoy building a friendship as your relationship slowly develops into effortless companionship.
4. The ease in knowing when their partner needs an emotional check-in
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After being married for a bit, it's easy to notice when someone is feeling down. However, when one partner is in the rose-colored glasses stage of love, it can make them blind to the reality of their marriage. This is why people in the roommate stage of marriage are actually experiencing the beautiful thing of knowing when their partner needs an emotional check-in.
Whether it's sighing or a tense posture, couples can pick up on how their partner feels during the roommate stage. This may be because this body language is out of the ordinary. Either way, this is the perfect time to have a heartfelt conversation and check in with their partner. Not only will it allow for open communication, but it'll also bring one another closer together in marriage, which is always a plus.
5. Subtle acts of love
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When couples are in the roommate stage, it's easy to forget how much love goes on in the background. From a wife making breakfast in the morning to a husband giving his monthly flowers, people in the roommate stage of marriage are actually experiencing subtle acts of love within their marriage. It isn't always so easy to see when people are too caught up in the boredom of everything.
Yet, people in the roommate stage of marriage do receive love, even if it isn't as explosive as it once was. Whether it's a man buying all his wife's favorite snacks or her period, or a woman drawing a nice bath for both of them, subtle acts of love matter more than grand gestures. As author and professor of philosophy Aaron Ben-Zeév, Ph.D., explained, "In genuine enduring love, continuous positive little actions are central; it is easier to fake one-off romantic gesture."
So, even if it isn't ideal, remember: their consistency says more than one grand gesture ever will.
6. Shared history that keeps on expanding
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After being together for so many years, it's fair to share that couples have a bit of history. And while it's something most couples don't think much about, people in the roommate stage of marriage are actually experiencing shared history that keeps on expanding. In the moment, everything feels boring and bland. However, even if someone is bored out of their mind, keep going.
While these moments are inevitable, the memories they make and the lessons they learn are priceless. From silly random facts like, "I don't like mixing sauces with my food," to creating a new memory together that deepens friendship, this shared history can tie couples together, if only they'd let it.
7. Security
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As couples enter this inevitable stage in their marriage, they always find a way to nitpick and see the worst in things. Feeling bored, resentful, and unseen, they'll constantly find fault with their partner without ever truly realizing what this stage has to offer. Whether they realize it or not, people in the roommate stage of marriage are experiencing a level of security like never before.
It may not feel ideal, however, through their building friendship and proximity, they're finding security within one another. Sure, it may feel boring at times, yet knowing one's partner and having a strong connection is exactly what some people need to put their minds at ease. After all, reassurance is crucial.
As psychologist Mark Travers, Ph.D., explained, "For both long-term and short-term relationships, reassurance-seeking behaviors were linked to increased relationship satisfaction and maintenance behaviors."
This means that couples who express their need for reassurance and partners who meet that need tend to have better relationships. So, enjoy these moments. People can always find a way to spice up life in other ways. However, this moment of peace? Feeling reassured and safe in their marriage? Well, it happens way less than people think.
8. Rediscovering romance in small moments
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If there's one thing people in the roommate stage of marriage are actually experiencing, it's rediscovering romance in small moments. When couples are in this stage, they often neglect how they can insert more romance into the mundane. However, the amazing thing about being in this stage and not just rediscovering, but experimenting with what works and what doesn't.
Whether it's dancing in the living room or hugging their partner from behind while they wash the dishes, there's always a chance to rediscover and insert more romance into their lives. So long as both parties are communicating and making an effort to be more considerate, rediscovering romance can be an enjoyable ride for many married couples.
9. The freedom to fully be themselves
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In the beginning stages of marriage, it's normal to fumble around and feel pretty nervous. Despite being together for a while, marriage is a completely different chapter, which is why most couples feel nervous. As clinical psychologist Josh Gressel, Ph.D., explained, "When we first get together and are in the romantic phase of our relationship, we show our best side and see the best side in our partner."
However, as the years pass, couples do one of two things: become more negative or fully lean into who they truly are. For couples who choose to embrace themselves, people in the roommate stage of marriage will inevitably experience the freedom to fully be themselves.
It may sound cheesy, but after spending years figuring out what works for them, they're in a stage in life where they've completely let their guards down. Now comfortable with one another, they don't feel the need to hide who they truly are. Whether it's being funny or sarcastic, each person can embrace who they are, leading to more happiness in the long run.
10. Learning to reignite the spark
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Marriage is a beautiful thing, but let's face it, marriage can be pretty boring from time to time. After knowing one another so well, if couples aren't finding ways to bring more excitement into their lives, they may find their marriage growing stale. Luckily, people in the roommate stage of marriage are actually experiencing the beautiful thing of learning to reignite the spark. It'll take a lot of work, sure.
However, there's a joy to be found in rediscovering one another again. Whether couples see it in the moment or not, there's something beautiful about finding ways to surprise one another. Not only is it a fun game, but it also teaches both parties how important it is to keep things spicy, which is another good lesson they can carry into their marriage later.
11. Inside jokes
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Finally, people in the roommate stage of marriage experience a ton of inside jokes. If they've been together for a while, they haven't just built good chemistry or friendship. After spending years witnessing their highest and lowest points with one another, healthy couples have learned to share laughter and create inside jokes. Even if it doesn't make much sense, the important thing is there's a shared understanding.
So, while people may roll their eyes at the chessiness of it all, couples who laugh together the most stay together. According to a study published in Personal Relationships, couples who shared laughter reported feeling closer. This is why it's important to create these shared moments and connections. Not only is it fun, but it is also a huge way couples survive the roommate stage.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and astrology topics.
