People Who Secretly Want Out Of Their Marriage Often Do These 11 Careful Things
Their disconnection is more subtle than it might seem.
Photoroyalty | Shutterstock While the decision to leave a relationship or go forward with a divorce is a personal choice that’s completely valid for anyone to make on their own accord — they have to do what’s best for them — some people are fear-based and avoid conflict with separation, like therapist Susan Pease Gadoua explains. The lead-up to the divorce is hinted at by avoidant tendencies and complete disconnection, rather than growth together and conflict resolution as a team.
People who secretly want out of their marriage often do these careful things, subtly avoiding conversation topics that bring up their internal desires and conflicts they wish to steer clear of. Even though they’re subtle, popping up in everyday conversations and interactions, these small “red flags” can be a chance for two things: a clear, honest separation or an opportunity to grow back together and rebuild.
People who secretly want out of their marriage often do these 11 careful things
1. They keep a ‘mental note’ for everything
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Whether it’s a chore that their partner forgets, a comment they made in passing that flew under the radar, or things that they realize they’re compromising on for the sake of the relationship, people who secretly want out of their marriage often make a “mental note” of things in their back pocket.
Rather than addressing their concerns, they let them transform into an internal list, which often backfires into confrontation through resentment eventually. Like a study from the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology explains, conflict-avoidant behaviors can provide a fleeting sense of security and comfort for people, but in the end, they only end up generating more disconnection and life stressors.
If you’re sure about leaving a relationship, it’s time to voice those opinions. If you’re not, open, honest communication is the way you decide whether it’s worth fighting for.
2. They prioritize alone time too often
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While balancing time together and alone in a marriage is incredibly important for stabilizing an individual partner’s sense of identity and individuality, prioritizing solitude too often — over quality time and connection with a partner — can be one of the early “red flags” pointing to disconnection.
People who secretly want out of their marriage often do these careful things often, spending more time with friends, working long hours, or staying up later to avoid quality time with a partner they’ve lost romantic love or trust with.
3. They become hyper-independent in every vein of life
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While independence and personal self-assuredness for couples in a partnership is important — you can’t have a healthy partnership if you’re not comfortable with yourself — too much of it in either direction can often lead to disconnection and resentment.
People who secretly want out of their marriage may lean into hyper-independent behaviors as practice, trying to ensure they’re comfortable and safe being alone before making a final decision to separate. This hyper-independence and the cultivated alone time that follows could also be an avoidance technique to protect themselves from the conflict and confrontation they dread at home.
4. They stop asking for advice or help
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As a Stanford Report explains, people want to be asked for help more than they might seem, so it’s worth overcoming the discomfort of asking for advice or support for the sake of connection. Being asked for help or advice makes us feel “needed,” which bonds us closer to the person asking and solidifies trust in the relationship.
However, people who secretly want out of their marriage are often putting up literal and metaphorical walls between themselves and their partners at every turn. They don’t ask for insight from them before making big decisions, hardly ask for their advice, and go out of their way to struggle through issues alone to avoid asking for help.
Whether it’s fueled by internal ego or a general sense of disconnection, this is one of the subtle signs that a partner is “checked out” from their marriage.
5. They start saving money in secret
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According to a Bankrate survey, around 42% of couples keep financial secrets from one another, so it’s no surprise that couples who aren’t happy in their marriages are more likely to manage and save money under the radar. Whether it’s preparation for a divorce or simply grasping at control that they don’t feel they have in their relationship, people who secretly want out of their marriage often do these careful things.
Of course, handling and discussing money is often intrinsically tied to marriage conflict for many couples. It’s an emotional, highly charged subject that takes a lot of honesty and openness to discuss healthily. For couples who are already disconnected, avoiding these topics may feel like the most comfortable route to avoid the chaos that tends to follow without those skills and understandings.
6. They stop fighting about the big stuff
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Even if they’re prone to picking at small criticisms of their partner and starting petty arguments, people who secretly want out of their marriage aren’t actually worried about resolving the big, underlying issues behind their disconnect. They actively avoid arguments and confrontation, while making excuses and “resolving” big fights before getting to the core of the issues.
Like psychology professor Gary W. Lewandowski Jr. suggests, healthy couples should “fight more,” not less, to build dedication to each other, build healthy conflict-resolution skills, and get back on the same page. Dodging conflict only does the opposite.
7. They start oversharing with others
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Whether it’s getting into the depth of their marriage with a therapist or spending more time alone with friends, venting about the state of their relationship, people who secretly want out of their marriage are always looking for validation and justification that they’re doing the right thing by leaving.
Maybe these conversations are actually a route to get the big push to leave — a decision that they struggle to make on their own. Of course, these people shouldn’t be demonized. There’s a chance that there’s a truly valid, realistic reason why they’re feeling disconnected, many of which revolve around a truly toxic relationship.
Social support doesn’t just alter our feelings about a relationship — it can provide people with the foundation to make a decision, like leaving a bad marriage, that suits their best interests.
8. They stop defending their spouse
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In these conversations with friends and family, where they’re venting about the relationship and sharing their qualms, people who secretly want out of their marriage stop defending their partners in private. They’re no longer protecting their reputation or trying to justify their bad behavior — they’re seeking support for dealing with it themselves.
In a toxic relationship, this shift can be incredibly empowering for a partner who’s been manipulated into isolating themselves from honesty with their close loved ones. In a relationship that needs work and is mendable, this only breaks trust and disconnects everyone.
9. They make fewer compromises
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Even if it's small things, like taking over household labor or showing up for their spouse when they’re not feeling well, people who secretly want out of their marriage often do careful things like avoiding compromise. They’re no longer interested in making their lives more inconvenient for the sake of their partner, especially if there’s been little reciprocity on compromise in the past.
They start putting themselves first in little ways, even if their lack of compromise builds into resentment in the marriage that’s inevitably impossible to ignore.
10. They start romanticizing their old life
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Whether it’s looking into old dreams they had before their marriage or romanticizing their single life before getting into a long-term marriage, a person who’s no longer committed to their spouse will lean on the past for support. Whether it’s a self-soothing ritual when thinking about divorce or a way to convince themselves that they’ll be okay on their own, they lean on the past for comfort and motivation.
However, just because you’re thinking about the past and reminiscing on single life doesn’t necessarily mean you’re not happy in your marriage. Be careful about linking the two, as they each have their own pros and cons.
11. They overcompensate in public
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From posting lavish, misleading couples' photos on social media to being overly affectionate in public or at shared holiday dinners, people who secretly want out of their marriage may try to overcompensate for the sake of their self-image. They lean on validation and misleading romantic love to assure everyone — sometimes, even including their partner — that everything is fine to avoid imploding their sense of daily comfort.
This is simply another form of avoidance. They’re avoiding the real issues in their marriage, avoiding their need for internal gratification, and, most importantly, avoiding the decision to leave.
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a senior editorial strategist with a bachelor’s degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
