7 Money Mistakes That Often Trap Hardworking Couples In Permanent Financial Stress
Even hardworking couples can stay stuck in money stress if they fall into these financial traps.
silverkblackstock / Shutterstock "It’s not about the money. It never is." If you’re wondering how to communicate effectively with your spouse about money management, this needs to be your mantra.
Funny thing about the green stuff — it’s at the root of so much consternation and discord. It makes the world go ‘round, and yet there’s never enough of it — even for those who have most of it.
And when it comes to marriage, no other topic causes more disagreement and downright discord. The root of all evil — or at least a lot of divorce.
Money is also a leading cause of divorce, behind communication problems and infidelity. And the irony? The percentage was highest for those with the highest incomes and lowest for those with the lowest incomes.
What’s the message here? If you don’t want to be part of that fallout statistic, how do you handle the pragmatic reality of budgeting finances and saving money while protecting your marriage?
Learning how to have better communication with your spouse about money can benefit your marriage in more ways than just financial ones. And the lessons are as much about what not to do as they are about what to do.
Here are 7 money mistakes that often trap hardworking couples in permanent financial stress:
1. They keep separate bank accounts
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If you’re going to put your marriage first in your life, you need to treat it as a non-negotiable partnership. It’s a whole, not a divided-up, color-coded pie chart.
Keeping separate accounts and divvying up bills according to earning potential is a recipe for disaster.
What happens when one person loses their job? Or a commission check doesn’t come in? And how do you plan for a life with mutual goals and integrated responsibilities?
Are you spouses or roommates? In a marriage, both spouses must be jointly and equally involved in the finances.
2. They disagree on their lifestyle
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Simply put, your lifestyle needs to jive with your income. Maybe you don't mind spending money but your spouse wants to save money. You may have big plans and indulgent dreams, but, as the saying goes, "Wishing doesn’t make it so."
Under high financial stress, couples tend to communicate less openly about money, fearing greater conflict. A 2024 study found that when financially stressed, individuals anticipate more conflict and become unwilling to discuss money with their partner. This cost of silence only amplifies the problem, as unresolved issues continue to fester.
3. They let personal differences come between them
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So one of you happy dances at the thought of crunching numbers and the other gets starry-eyed dreaming up DIY projects. Finances don’t belong to one spouse while the other spouse assumes a passive role. Both of you have to learn how to save and budget money.
You married one another for how your individual uniquenesses magically create a more vibrant whole. You balance one another. And both of your perspectives and insights are essential to the success of your finances and your marriage.
4. They let salary differences come between them
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Just because one person earns more than the other doesn’t mean that one is working harder than the other. And it certainly doesn’t mean that the one bringing in the big bucks should have more power in the relationship.
You’re on the same team, hopefully doing work that you both love and excel in, even if one is a full-time parent or student.
Research shows that when couples fail to address differences in salary, it can create power imbalances, resentment, and feelings of guilt that lead to financial stress. The income gap itself is not the source of stress, but rather how the couple handles or fails to handle the emotional and relational dynamics that arise from it.
5. They commit financial unfaithfulness
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There’s no excuse for sneaking behind your spouse’s back to open a personal account or credit card. If learning how to communicate with your spouse about money is your goal, complete honesty is imperative.
Financial secrets often begin as a response to existing stress or conflict, not malice. A 2023 study explained that a partner may hide information to avoid a fight or a partner's disapproval.
6. They succumb to unrealistic and unmet expectations
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No, you don’t have to drive a Tesla just because you got bumped to the C-suite. According to a 2023 study, this dynamic is not simply about a lack of money but about how differing financial values, misperceptions of a partner's actions, and communication breakdowns create resentment and anxiety.
For example, if one partner believes money should be saved for security while the other sees it as a tool for enjoyment and status, these contrasting core values create a mismatch of expectations.
7. They let their kids run the show
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You aren’t obligated to break the bank to indulge your kids whenever they want something. Think about their own developing relationships with money, and help them develop a good work ethic while teaching them about the value of money.
How do you take these cautionary guidelines and positively implement them in your financial conversations as a couple? To borrow a little wisdom, always remember to keep the main thing the main thing.
And that should be your marriage. Remember, it’s not about the money. It never is. If it’s not about the money, what is it about?
Communicating with your spouse about money is really about communicating with your spouse — the emotions, the history, the dreams, the fears, the expectations, and disappointments.
Money, requisite as it is, is really just a mirror to you as individuals and as a couple. If you can keep that in mind as you broach one of the most trepidatious topics in any relationship, you can actually use money management skills to enrich your marriage.
Dr. Jerry Duberstein, Ph.D., is a couples therapist, and his partner, Mary Ellen Goggin, JD, is a relationship guide. They lead private intensive couples retreats and are the co-authors of Relationship Transformation: Have Your Cake and Eat It Too.
