15 Traits Of A Selfish Husband Who Lacks Complete Emotional Awareness
You shouldn't have to beg your husband for empathy — here's what it looks like when he completely lacks it.
Taras Chernus | Unsplash Marriage should always feel like teamwork — equal effort, shared responsibility, and mutual respect. But when you're married to a selfish husband, that balance disappears fast. Everything starts to revolve around him: his mood, his needs, his schedule. You end up feeling like the relationship rests entirely on your shoulders while he coasts through without noticing the damage. Over time, it's exhausting — and deeply lonely.
A selfish husband who lacks emotional awareness isn't necessarily cruel; he's often just so wrapped up in himself that he can't recognize how his behavior affects you. Maybe it started with work stress, becoming a parent, or old habits from childhood — but whatever the cause, the result is the same: you feel unseen, unheard, and unsupported. According to Clinical Hypnotherapist and Relationship Coach Keya Murthy, selfish husbands often manipulate, invalidate, or guilt-trip their partners without realizing it. Here are 11 clear signs you're dealing with a man who's emotionally unavailable and completely self-absorbed in your marriage.
Here are 15 traits of a selfish husband who lacks complete emotional awareness:
1. He always has to be in charge
A selfish husband always wants to be in charge and pushes his dominance way past the acceptance rate in the relationship. He makes you feel less worthy in the relationship and belittles you with his dominance.
He's unwilling to compromise on anything. Everything is his way or the highway, and you can't get anything past him. He will also lash out at you with his dominance when something isn't done his way or he doesn't get his way.
2. He constantly puts himself first
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If you have a selfish husband, you know that, no matter what and in any scenario, he prioritizes himself. He is so self-absorbed that he honestly couldn't care less about your wants and needs.
Your well-being and level of comfort don't matter to him as he makes all the choices and decisions. There's no arguing with him because everything is going to go his way, you cannot change his mind. Even if he buys you something or does something to make you feel nice, he won't ask you if that's something you wanted or cared for.
A man with low emotional awareness might struggle with effective communication, have poor listening skills, jump to conclusions emotionally, or react defensively when conflict arises, a 2021 study argued. His inclination to prioritize his own needs may also stem from a 'fear of intimacy' or a reluctance to be vulnerable.
3. He's never there when you need him
There are times in our lives when things get rough and we need someone by our side to comfort us and be there when the going gets tough. Unfortunately for you, if you have a selfish husband who doesn't understand this, he won't do things to help cheer you up or even notice if you're in a sad mood.
He doesn't even try to make you feel happy or notice when things are wrong. He won't comfort you the same way you would for him, and he sees your hurt as annoying or exhausting for him to deal with.
The only types of things he notices are things that go wrong, like you not doing something his way or not being there for him. It feels completely one-sided, and you aren't getting the type of attention from him that you want or deserve because it's all negative and aggressive.
4. He doesn't respect you.
Respect can be shown in lots of ways, but a selfish husband proves in many ways that he doesn't respect or care for you. Murthy lists some signs of disrespect in a marriage, such as getting cut off in mid-sentence when you are trying to have a conversation and having little to no respect for your feelings.
He won't respect your time, energy, or love because a selfish man is unappreciative and uncaring. He doesn't care about your time, and he never makes time for you.
On the other hand, when it comes to his time, you always need to be available for him and fit into his schedule.
According to Life Coach Ann Papayoti, selfish people put themselves, their needs, goals, and desires ahead of others consistently.
"In a marriage or any committed relationship, this is destructive to the partnership and devastating to the partner. It feels disrespectful because there is no regard for the other’s preferences," says Papayoti. "The selfish man has a high ego, low self-awareness, and little emotional regulation. He will not take responsibility for having hurt another and will always claim to know best; in other words, he will not tolerate having his judgment questioned."
He doesn't respect you and is a selfish husband if he always puts you down, uses abusive language and actions, and has narcissistic traits that are toxic and most likely fatal to the health of the relationship.
5. He couldn't care less about your interests
Spouses can always have different hobbies and interests. That's perfectly normal. However, what's not normal is your spouse not supporting your interests and then expecting you to help him.
You have to practically beg him to support you because it obviously doesn't come naturally to him.
You feel like you know everything about him, but he knows nothing about you because of his lack of interest in even getting to know you more or caring about your jobs, hobbies, and passions in life.
6. He doesn't understand your emotions
A selfish husband is so out of touch with your feelings that he doesn't even understand when you might get upset about something. If the two of you get into a fight about your feelings, he still won't care, and even after the fight, he doesn't reach out to see if you're OK.
This can stem from societal expectations to be stoic, leading to an inability to identify, name, or process his own emotions, a 2023 study found. This lack of awareness can manifest as emotional unavailability, where he avoids deep emotional topics and keeps relationships on a superficial level.
7. He treats you like his personal assistant
A selfish husband will most likely believe in gender norms from the past, such as a woman belonging in the kitchen and doing all the household chores. Because of this belief, he won't lift even a finger to help.
Maybe you don't like to admit it, but you are always doing the heavy lifting in the house, and he doesn't even ask you if you need help, and he will never be caught helping without you asking first.
According to Relationship and Communication Coach Marilyn Sutherland, women often sacrifice themselves to take care of others by being a "pleaser" based on fear.
"Selfish is 'I have to take care of myself (selfish) or I won't get what I need/want;' Pleaser is 'I have to take care of you so you will love me and take care of me so I will get what I need/want,'" Sutherland explains.
8. He ignores your needs, even in bed
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When you're married to a selfish husband, even your needs in the bedroom aren't met. He doesn't even make the effort to please you because he wants to follow his own pace and rhythm, and expects you to be pleased when he is.
He also doesn't care if you're in the mood to be intimate; he only wants to have it when he feels like sleeping with you. Even after intimacy, he won't care if you were satisfied, and he'll just turn over and not even cuddle you.
9. He doesn't respect your friends or family
Typically, husbands and wives respect each other's family and friends. In the best-case scenario, they get along or end up loving each other's family and friends just as their spouses do.
However, this isn't the case for a selfish husband, as he doesn't care at all about your family and friends and is very open and honest about those feelings. He also doesn't care what others have to say, as he has no respect for any of them.
A lack of emotional awareness can create a significant emotional distance in relationships, as the individual may struggle to connect with their partner or friends on a more empathetic level, research has shown. Some cultural or religious backgrounds may hold traditional ideas about masculinity that emphasize emotional restraint, making it hard to express feelings.
10. He always finds something to criticize
No matter how hard you try to please your selfish husband, he will never be satisfied, and therefore, he is constantly criticizing you.
"No matter what you say or how you try to say it, the selfish husband repeats himself with the same words or calls you a debilitating name and asks you why you can’t understand what he is saying," Murthy explains. "He might also say what he needs to say and cold-wall you, walk away after he speaks without giving you an opportunity to respond."
You feel constantly drained from working so hard and not getting any positive feedback or results back from all your effort to make him happy or satisfied.
11. He never compliments or appreciates you
Women love their spouses, appreciating them and commenting on their looks occasionally, but a woman with a selfish husband doesn't know what that's like, as their husband would never do something like that.
"A selfish person often accuses others of being selfish, because they see the world through the glasses they wear — selfishness."
Even if it's not about looks, maybe it's that you won an award at work or are a successful woman, he doesn't show you or care to give you compliments of love, as he doesn't think that way.
12. He avoids talking to you
Open communication is of key importance in a marriage. When there's no communication, there's no room to build your relationship and make it stronger. Even simple communication will make a marriage work, like expressing your thoughts and feelings and being honest and open to your spouse.
A selfish husband doesn't know how to communicate, nor does he care to learn how, and that puts so much pressure on you to make the marriage work, as you can't get anything out of him unless he chooses to tell you something.
Traditional masculinity often discourages men from showing emotions, leading them to suppress feelings and see emotional expression as a sign of weakness. Research has argued that open communication can feel threatening, making men use silence as a protective shield to maintain their self-esteem.
13. He doesn't touch you or show you affection
Not everyone likes PDA; however, it is nice to occasionally get a kiss or hug from your husband out of the blue or when you need it.
A selfish husband won't do these sorts of things, nor does he care even to do things like kiss, hug, or cuddle you. However, he expects all that from you to give him all of that. Nothing is ever fair in love and in your marriage.
The inability to express affection is not a permanent state. Research shows that men can re-learn and enhance their emotional awareness and expression through self-exploration, therapy, and supportive relationships.
14. He won't take you out on romantic dates
Occasionally, it's nice to have a romantic date night with your spouse, as the two of you can spark some romance in your marriage. A romantic movie date, dinner date, or trip can spice things up and remind the two of you about the connection and love you have with one another.
If you plan a romantic date and your husband is not on board with it, that's concerning. A selfish husband often doesn't want to or care to go out on a romantic date, as he only has his feelings in mind and would never think to do this with you.
Aversion to romantic dates can stem from a fear of commitment or a deeper fear of being hurt or vulnerable, according to a 2022 study. Romantic dates often signal a desire for a deeper, more committed relationship, which can be intimidating for those who link relationships with potential past trauma.
15. He refuses to acknowledge the problems in your marriage
Even if you address any issues in your marriage with your husband, he won't listen if he's a selfish husband. He will also be so clueless that there are problems in your marriage because he's so self-absorbed.
The moment you get angry and upset and talk to him about your problems, he will seem caught off guard and may even try gaslighting you into thinking that it's somehow your fault that there are problems in your marriage.
If you are at your breaking point, it's time to have a serious talk and maybe use the help of a professional to get down to the bottom of your husband's problems and behavior if you want to save your marriage.
A selfish man cannot see himself as selfish, and therefore, that makes a relationship with a greedy man difficult to navigate. But the couple can be helped professionally. A narcissistic husband needs his partner, and that's why he pushes her boundaries, at the cost of being a controlling manipulator.
"It’s nearly impossible to deal with a selfish husband. He’ll not change for you," says Murthy. "So, if you want to keep your marriage for whatever reason, you need to work with a therapist and healer. You need a powerful ally in the form of a spiritual mentor. You may not be able to save your marriage, but you can save your sanity and dignity by working on how you view your relationship and the selfish husband."
Pick a time to talk with him about your feelings at a time you know that works for him, and you need to make sure he's in a good mood. Bring up your feelings using "I" statements, as you won't alienate him and he won't be able to turn things around.
You also should notice when he isn't being selfish and compliment him, or tell him that you appreciated whatever he did that was a small change. That way, he can change the way he thinks, and you can positively reinforce him, and he will use your appreciation to encourage himself to do better.
It's important to understand that a marriage to a selfish person just may not work out. "Selfish people do not change for others, and when they change, they do it only because it is advantageous to them. A selfish person struggles with selflessness just like a selfless person finds it impossible to be selfish," says Murthy.
Remember never to bear the pain and speak up when he's making you feel bad. Use the help of a marriage coach or therapist if you think he'll listen to others over you. Lastly, you should try to stay positive even if it might be hard. In order to do that, you need to make sure to invest in your own self.
Megan Hatch is a multimedia journalist, an Emerson College graduate with a major in journalism and a minor in digital media and culture, and a former contributor to YourTango. Her bylines have appeared on Medium, Patch, BuzzFeed, SAGE Publishing, Voice of America, as well as dozens of independent television and online publications, and as on-air talent for Emerson College’s independent radio station, WEBN.
