Husbands Who Try To Fix Their Marriage But Don’t Know How Usually Do These 11 Things
A man may have the best intentions, but still not be taking the right steps to mend his marriage.
YuryKara / Shutterstock Usually, a marriage doesn't just fall apart overnight. It's sometimes a slow drift between two people, where they may no longer agree on things they used to, brushing their conflict right under the rug, and no longer feeling that connection that made them want to get married in the first place. For most husbands, when they finally realize that something is off in their marriage, their first instinct is what can they do to fix it. They might care deeply about ensuring they do everything possible to prevent separation or divorce, but they may not know where to start. The emotional repair that it takes to heal a marriage isn't something that husbands are too skilled at.
That can be traced back to the way men were raised and the expectations placed on them. They were taught how to solve problems, not sit in their feelings. So, when things start getting a bit rocky, they immediately go into problem-solving mode, not realizing that the real issue is the emotional distance between them and their spouse. It can't be fixed by bringing home flowers, going out of their way to plan date nights, and even cooking dinner. It might seem like the best solution, but for the most part, it's just putting a Band-Aid over a cracked surface. It might hide the crack, but it doesn't eliminate it. Many men may not even realize that they're not doing the things that will help fix their marriage, and while most husbands mean well, their attempts might still fall short.
Husbands who try to fix their marriage but don't know how usually do these 11 things
1. They focus on being right rather than being understood
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Many husbands believe that being right is the same as being heard. When conflict comes up, their natural instinct is to defend their opinion and even overexplain their side. The thing is: sometimes your spouse doesn't want to know why you did something. They just want to know that you understand how it made them feel.
"Let the other person have this one. Let go and don’t worry about how right you are. It won’t hurt you and could even give you more of what you want… a healthier and happier relationship," encouraged licensed psychologist Hal Shorey.
If every single conversation turns into an argument where one person defends their stance and the other pleads to be heard, no one wins. In fact, it just ends up further creating even more distance between two people. You might end up winning the point, but you'll end up losing your partner in the process, too.
2. They try to solve problems instead of listening to feelings
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This is usually not coming from a bad place but husbands attempting to show just how much they care. If their spouse is upset, they want to make it better right now. Maybe when she's venting about not feeling connected with him or just overwhelmed, he'll immediately suggest some kind of date night or that he'll take over the chores around the house.
"When you become proficient at active listening, you both will be able to turn to each other for comfort, support, and understanding. Even when facing difficult topics, you will be able to handle them together—as two people who genuinely care about each other and want both of your needs to be heard and respected," explained psychologist Leslie Becker-Phelps.
He's only trying to help, but what he doesn't realize is that it might not be what she wants to hear. Most men are conditioned to think that loving someone means protecting them and solving all of their problems and issues. But most women are simply looking for that emotional connection. Many husbands may not even realize that simply being present is the solution their spouse is looking for.
3. They buy gifts instead of changing habits
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When things start to feel off in their marriage, some husbands may resort to showering their wives with gifts and over-the-top grand gestures as a means to bridge the gap between them. They think that spending money is an automatic fix when in reality, it's not at all. Gifts don't mean that they'll change their behavior. It might be a temporary band-aid, but the same problems will eventually resurface.
"One of the most successful ways to learn from and change the negative cycle is to look at your part. What are you doing that contributes to the negative interactions?" insisted psychotherapist Ilene S. Cohen.
The problem is that husbands often use gifts as a substitute for effort, rather than addressing their behavior and getting to the root of the issue at hand. A new purse or some fresh flowers might feel nice, but it doesn't mean much when he's still not showing up in the way that his spouse needs him to. Over time, the gifts just end up feeling like a distraction rather than coming from a place of actual love and care.
4. They act overly cheerful to avoid serious conversations
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When things start to get tense in their marriage, some husbands resort to just turning on their charm. They'll crack jokes and act as if everything is perfectly fine when it's not at all. They're typically just trying to smooth things over without actually dealing with what's wrong at all. For some of them, they're just too scared of possibly making things worse.
“When approached in the right way, conversations can lead to new discoveries about how you and your partner think and feel, create greater feelings of intimacy and closeness, and provide evidence that you can work through problems when they arise in the relationship,” explained psychologist Jennifer Priem.
They think that if they bring up the heavy stuff, it'll lead to another argument or more tension. Instead, they keep things lighthearted, which will mean that the two of them can eventually move past it. The problem with this is that a serious conversation is always needed to repair the damage. You can't just smooth things over with a joke and a laugh, expecting things to be great when the elephant in the room is being ignored.
5. They stop doing the small things that mattered most
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Many husbands don't even realize that they're doing this. They think that not only does their spouse know that they're solid, but she also knows that he loves her as well. But love isn't just something you say once and assume is understood forever. It's about consistency and reminding your partner that they still matter, and the connection the two of you have is something worth nurturing.
“Each moment we ignore is a missed opportunity to connect and build up an emotional bank of positive moments that can help buffer us when things go wrong,” pointed out social psychologist Amie M. Gordon.
Husbands might think the best way to save their marriage is by doing one big gesture or making some dramatic change. But the truth is, while grand gestures are appreciated, the best way to preserve a marriage is through the everyday moments as well.
6. They talk at their wife instead of with her
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One of the things that can eventually break down a marriage is when a husband thinks he’s being reassuring or helpful, but in reality, his wife doesn’t feel heard at all. Rather than having an actual conversation where she feels included, it ends up being just a monologue on his part. Husbands think that if they spend their time explaining their point enough, then their wives will finally be able to understand where they’re coming from.
He thinks he’s just being communicative, while she feels like she’s being dismissed. By not sitting back and listening to her talk, he’s missing the opportunity actually to solve the issue at hand. Instead, his wife ends up feeling like she’s being talked over and that she’s not being seen in this marriage.
7. They pretend they’re fine to avoid scaring her off
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Many husbands will put on a brave face when things feel tense in their marriage. They think that if they're not showing any trace of frustration, and if they don't open up and actually be vulnerable, they won't actually scare their spouse away. But from her perspective, it can feel as if her husband is brushing things under the rug, which can leave her feeling confused and even lonely.
A husband may think he's just protecting his wife by holding all of his feelings in rather than unloading because he thinks he's just sparing her from unnecessary stress. But just because you're ignoring your feelings doesn't mean they disappear altogether. If anything, they'll end up coming out later and in a much more aggressive way because he's spent so much time burying them.
8. They look for reassurance rather than accountability
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A common habit that some husbands can fall into when attempting to fix their marriage is seeking reassurance that they're trying or that they're appreciated. Compared to accountability, reassurance feels good, but it doesn't address any of the issues that are happening between him and his spouse. For his own ego, he wants to hear the validation that he's loved and cared for, but that won't resolve the emotional distance at all.
"Although it is important to be open to feedback and change, it is hard. Nobody likes being accused or attacked, and we naturally protect ourselves. Of course, we get irked when our partner points out our failings, but when defensiveness becomes habitual and unyielding, it’s a problem," says relationship expert Jason Whiting.
Instead, accountability is the solution. It's uncomfortable, sure, but it allows for self-reflection and then a change of behavior. Reassurance might make him feel secure, but accountability is what words can't do, which is rebuilding trust.
9. They get impatient when progress feels slow
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Patience is often the key to being able to repair a marriage. Everything won't be fixed overnight, which is something that a lot of husbands struggle with. They want to see results instantly. They want things to feel better now, not taking into account that it's a process. As a result, they often end up feeling impatient and wondering when things will finally start working.
It ends up with him becoming snappy and even distant, which, from his spouse's point of view, can feel as if he's giving up completely. A marriage worth fighting for means understanding that you won't achieve the results you're looking for through a single conversation and possibly even one couple's counseling session. It means knowing that it requires real hard work and knowledge that if you want to get through this hump, it will eventually happen.
10. They try to mirror what their partner wants rather than being authentic
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Pretending to be the kind of person they think their wife wants is something husbands don't even realize won't actually fix their marriage. Instead, it'll further drive her away. Husbands may start adjusting their opinions to match hers, doing things they know she likes, even if they don't personally enjoy them, and doing everything in their power to try to make her happy, thinking that will ease the tension.
The problem is that a wife rarely wants her husband to be just a mirror copy of her. She wants a partner who feels real. It's not as if this behavior is coming from some cruel place, either. For the most part, husbands are coming from a place of wanting their wives to like them again and trying to do everything in their power to make that happen. They don't realize that being their authentic self is way more important than trying to be some kind of perfect partner.
11. They forget to ask their partner for what they really need
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Many husbands make assumptions about what their spouse really needs rather than just asking. They will immediately jump into action, thinking that the gestures they're doing will be enough. What they fail to realize is that sometimes it takes just asking instead of assuming. Jumping in without asking their spouse only ends up creating more conflict because she then feels as if she's being misunderstood.
Nothing can get fixed if you have no idea what needs to be fixed in the first place. While husbands may have the right intentions by wanting to help, caring alone isn't enough. It's actually having to sit with her and ask instead of guessing and essentially just making things worse.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.
