If You're Tired Of Holding A Grudge, These 3 Mindset Shifts Can Save Your Marriage
If you're tired of feeling stuck in resentment, this might be exactly what your marriage needs.
Sincerely Media | Unsplash I had been working with a couple on the concept of making amends and offering sincere apologies for the ways they'd hurt each other. He admitted honestly that he wasn't ready to give a genuine apology because he still didn't feel he was getting what he needed from the marriage. After talking more, they both saw the truth — resentment and bitterness had taken root between them, and neither of them was ready to let it go.
One of them asked, “If I can get along fine with everyone else but not with my spouse, doesn't that mean this relationship is toxic?” Sometimes it does, but more often it's an illusion — one that lets you believe the real problem is your partner. Marriage demands more of us than other relationships do. It forces us to see the parts of ourselves we'd rather ignore. You can leave what feels like a toxic situation, but if you don't deal with your own bitterness, you'll just carry it into the next relationship. So, how do you soften the soil and pull up the roots of resentment? It starts with three mindset shifts that can truly save your marriage.
If you're tired of holding a grudge, these 3 mindset shifts can save your marriage:
1. Look inward and acknowledge your own resentment
Licensed psychotherapist Julia Flood notes that any resistance you feel toward cooperating or examining your own part in the conflict could indicate you've been avoiding certain thoughts and feelings. Perhaps there's a grudge or resentment you've never been able to admit to yourself, let alone express openly.
Once you get the courage to feel vulnerable and show what's beneath the surface to your partner, it often creates empathy and compassion in them. By acknowledging what you're truly feeling without judgment, you start the process of releasing the weight of the grudge and opening your heart to the possibility of genuine renewal in your marriage.
2. Choose to start letting go — even if you're not ready to forgive yet
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Letting go doesn't happen overnight, but it begins when you decide that your marriage is worth the effort. According to marriage and family therapist Lesli Doares, forgiveness is defined as "a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you."
When you commit to working toward releasing the roots of resentment, you're not asking for instant forgiveness or pretending the hurt didn't matter. Instead, you're choosing to move forward despite the pain.
3. Nurture your marriage with kindness — toward yourself and your partner
According to clinical psychologist Dr. Randi Gunther, compassion is what rules when we let go of the need to be right and instead honor our partner's genuine heartache. Even in the most contentious moments, couples who rebuild their connection remember that they are essentially good friends beneath the conflict.
Lead with compassion and empathy, showing your partner that you love, appreciate, and care for them. When you approach your marriage with kindness and with the intention of being a true friend, you create the foundation for genuine healing and reconnection.
If the soil has been hardened over time, it will not respond by soaking in the water immediately. It takes time to penetrate the hard crust of dry soil. If the roots are deep, once the water penetrates the top soil, you must keep it coming for it to reach down to the depths of the roots. Consistent kindness and loving behavior over time will work its magic.
Tom King is a freelance writer and blogger with advanced degrees in psychology, social work, and human resource development, as well as a certified leadership coach.
