9 Common Phrases That May Trigger Your Partner's Past Wounds, And Exactly What To Say Instead
Even some common phrases can drive an otherwise happy couple apart.
U.Ozel.Images | Canva At the beginning, you experience romantic love, the "someone else gets me" kind of love. We want to be the princess in the movies who is saved by the prince, or we want to be the prince who finally feels loved. This sets up expectations that can never be met by any human. Often, we say unkind things because we're disappointed the magic was never real.
This isn't the end, but you do need to break the harmful habits, especially when you are triggering each other’s past emotional wounds. Emotional wounds can fester for years until you face the fear surrounding them and heal. f you had the tools to heal, you would have already done it, and you hear some typical statements from your partner a lot.
9 common phrases that trigger your partner's past wounds, and exactly what to say instead:
1. 'You're such a nag' or 'You're such a bully'
Instead, say, “I feel picked on and judged.”
2. You are smothering me
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Choose instead to say, “I feel overwhelmed, and need some space.”
3. You are distant
Another way to say it is, “I am physically in the room with you and I feel lonely.”
4. The world revolves around you
Change to, “I feel I can’t trust you will respond in a safe way for me.”
5. You are selfish
An alternative is,” I’m sad when I feel you don’t value me.”
6. You don’t like being physical anymore
Try, “I’m feeling sad we don’t have as much physicality in our relationship as in the past.”
7. You don’t love me
Switch to, “I feel unloved by you, when you (i.e., yell at me).
8. Other people like me, why don’t you?
Try instead, “I feel you don’t like me when you (i.e., won’t talk with me).
9. You make me feel bad
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Try changing it to, “I feel bad when you" (i.e., call me names).
Change 'you' to 'I feel' statements for a general fix
As you can clearly see, the general tool you can use to help you communicate in a safer way for your partner is to change “you” statements to “I feel, when you … ” statements.
The desired effects of "you" statements are to disengage from the relationship. The person is effectively saying, “You are not important to me. I must protect myself from you.” The couple-ship is not safe and secure for either partner because the trigger has been engaged, and they are both responding from an emotional reaction. The underlying feelings typically can be fear, shame, abandonment, or worthlessness. No one likes to feel those emotions.
By switching to "I feel" statements, the relationship can more easily remain intact. Your partner may be more willing to make a repair and help you heal. In a way, by owning your feelings, sharing them with love, you more effectively get your and the relationship's needs met.
Your relationship can be a safety zone for both of you if you work on it throughout your lives. One word of caution: if your partner does not invest in your relationship and refuses to grow, you have a hard decision to make. Many people choose obsessions and addictions over relationships. Your partner gets to make that decision. Your job is to see reality at all costs and adjust to what you can live with.
Teresa Maples-Zuvela, CMAT, CSAT, LMHC, MS, is a licensed mental health counselor who specializes in working with women who have experienced betrayal in intimate relationships.
