The Art Of Patience: 4 Simple Habits Of Naturally Patient People
Patience isn't just waiting — it's how you wait.
Alexey Demidov | Unsplash Whenever you're stressed out and feeling impatient, have you ever asked yourself, "How do I get more patience?" Or said something to the effect of, "Oh, boy, help me have more patience!" I know I have. Having the ability to navigate troubling situations and people without losing your mind is crucial.
It’s a key result when you learn how to be patient with just the right tools. The tools you need to be more patient with will help you hold steady in the face of difficult situations and people. With practice, they will give you the capacity to have self-control, so that you have room to choose the most effective response, even while you're stressed, distressed, and exhausted.
Here are 4 simple habits of naturally patient people:
1. They practice radical acceptance
Radical acceptance is a mindset shift. While you may not like a situation or how another person is behaving, you can change your attitude. And, trust me, I know exactly how difficult this one can be. Yet, it is a useful way to look at your life and the situation you find yourself in, in hopes of having a better outcome.
Radical acceptance is an idea that was first discussed by Marsha Linehan in the early 1990s. When you find yourself in a painful situation, your first reaction might be to become angry or upset. You might find yourself searching high and low for who’s at fault.
Blame is a typical response to difficult situations. Still, regardless of who’s at fault or how terrible, awful, horrible a situation is, your pain exists, and you continue to suffer. The more upset you get, the worse you will feel. Anger is salt in a wound if you hold onto it past the point that it’s useful in telling you something.
Radical acceptance does not mean you like or approve of a situation. It isn’t a free pass to put up with bad behaviors or allow yourself to get walked all over. It is only the acceptance of your reality.
By accepting the reality, we can then shift our attention from being upset towards what steps need to be place to deal with the situation. It is also an avenue to let go of judgment and criticism. Both of which get in the way of giving ourselves and others grace. All you are doing with radical acceptance is acknowledging your present situation, whatever it is, so that you can begin the work of moving forward and allowing yourself patience with the process.
2. They know how to change the narrative
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We say a lot of negative things in our heads. We give ourselves limits, we work ourselves into fits of fear or anger, and we magnify the awfulness of our situations. And, we do all this with the negative narrative we start running in our minds.
Changing your narrative doesn’t mean you take a tough situation and turn your thoughts into some Pollyanna perfection. All it means is taking what you are saying and challenging the most negative and often disempowering elements. If I am in a situation where I am frustrated and on the verge of losing my mind, then it’s about normalizing the frustration and giving myself space to think of a new solution.
For example:
- "I can’t stand or handle this," shifts towards, "I don’t like the situation, but I can and will get through it."
- "It should never have happened, it’s wrong!" shifts towards, "I can’t change the past, yet I can influence the future."
- "It’s not fair!" moves towards, "It is what it is. What next steps can I take?"
- "It’s horrible, awful, terrible!" becomes "This moment is a culmination of tons of decisions. Where do I need to go from here?"
3. They distract themselves
Distracting yourself can be one of the most useful tools in your toolbox for expanding your patience. When we are angry or frustrated, our automatic responses can either get us in trouble or, at the very least, make a big mess to be cleaned up. (So never press "send" immediately on an angry email. Just saying.)
Take a time-out from the annoying situation, and there are a few ways you can go about it:
- Take a walk — even a short walk can change your perspective
- Pick up a good book and read a few chapters
- Listen to a good audiobook
- Flip through magazines
- Watch a funny movie
- Take a shower
- Nap
Basically, give yourself some space from the situation. I personally enjoy taking a drive to clear the cobwebs out. Seeing something different or moving into entirely new surroundings can help you ultimately get back to balance. Balance and breathing are both super supportive of engaging your ability to be patient.
4. When they can't leave, they self-soothe
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This technique is somewhat connected to distracting yourself, but you can also self-soothe at the moment when maybe you can’t leave. There has been some interesting research on how having a cool drink when you’re getting upset and heating up can help you calm down. And, conversely, if your frustration runs towards getting cold internally, having a warm tea or soup can soothe your senses.
Having a useful mantra can help to calm you down. "I’m OK, I’m OK, I’m OK…" helps me out often. I find that having realistic expectations or adjusting my expectations can help me find and increase my patience at the moment.
If I am dealing with a puppy, then I need to remember all the normal things puppies do; being conscious and realistic is exceptionally useful. Again, if you have time, then taking a bath or reading a good book, or listening to your favorite music are brilliant ways to soothe yourself. They can also help to distract you from what is annoying you and working your last nerve.
Some factors indicate you need to expand your tolerance in coping with physical or emotional distress or pain.
- You catch yourself spending a lot of time thinking about the past, ruminating on past mistakes and problems.
- Maybe conversely, you worry about the future, and possible mistakes or problems.
- You’ve started isolating yourself because people annoy you too much.
- Addiction has become a coping strategy. You are drinking, drugging, smoking, eating, or shopping to the point that you are causing yourself problems.
- There are times when you find yourself taking your frustrations out on others.
- Avoidance is one of your strategies for dealing with difficult situations.
- You might find yourself trying to manage the world around you by becoming overly controlling.
- Ultimately, you may find yourself using self-harming behaviors to numb or punish yourself.
What all these indicators have in common is that they have a cost. Each one takes an emotional and physical toll on you. And none of these behaviors solves anything or increases your ability to navigate life effectively.
When you're dealing with stress, it's important to take some time and develop plans for taking care of yourself. Having a plan for challenging your negative feelings or a plan for distracting or soothing yourself can take the pressure off when you find yourself about to lose your mind. Plans can help you become more patient.
Therapist Carolina Castanos explained, "Mindfulness is to purposefully pay attention to something. In this case, it's to notice your feelings or emotions in the here and now non-judgmentally. To be happier in life, you need to be non-judgmental — bringing your kind and non-judgmental attention to your inner world helps clear and calm your mind as your thoughts and feelings settle."
Being frustrated with yourself or a situation, or another person, is all part of being human. Acknowledge the feelings you’re having and then aim for an effective response. With practice, the tools above can give you the gift of freedom from self-suffering. You own them all already and can access them whenever you decide to. All this is the invitation for you to stretch into being a much more patient person.
Lyssa deHart, LICSW, MCC, BCC, is a Clinical Social Worker, life coach, and the author of StoryJacking: Change Your Inner Dialogue, Transform Your Life. She's spent the past 20+ years as a therapist and coach.
