11 Personality Traits Most People Think Are Normal But Are Actually Signs Someone Is Really Troubled
The characteristics that might seem admirable at first but are usually just coping mechanisms.
Dodokat | Shutterstock There are some people we encounter in our day-to-day lives that have behaviors that seem "normal" on the surface, but when you take a deeper look, it actually reveals a lot about what they might be struggling with. Maybe it's them making jokes at their own expense, never wanting to socialize out at events with their friends, or even struggling to come to terms with the fact that they can't control every aspect of their lives. Whatever it may be, there are certain personality traits most people think are normal but are actually signs someone is really troubled.
Being someone or knowing another individual who's obsessed with perfectionism or extremely independent can sometimes be personality traits that other people find admirable. But when these traits start showing up in extreme ways, to the point where people are struggling to live their lives, it's usually an insight into how much they're actually suffering. It isn't about judging someone and what their coping mechanisms are, but about noticing patterns that make you second-guess if they're doing alright.
Here are 11 personality traits most people think are normal but are actually signs someone is really troubled
1. Extreme people-pleasing
Pixel-Shot | Shutterstock
Right off the bat, someone who's always saying yes, going out of their way to help people, and never wanting to disappoint others can be qualities that make someone a good person. But underneath all of that kindness and generosity is the fact that they may struggle with a deep sense of rejection or constantly needing the approval of others.
Many people-pleasers tend to have a difficult time setting boundaries and even advocating for their own needs. This only ends up resulting in them struggling with their self-esteem and feeling emotionally exhausted from having to carry the emotions and feelings of everyone else on their back.
Extreme people-pleasing can make it hard for relationships to flourish because of how much they're prioritizing other people's feelings over their own. And over time, people will soon start to take advantage of that.
2. Never taking credit
Studio Romantic | Shutterstock
Some people really do struggle with not taking credit for things they've had a large hand in helping complete. At first, it might just seem as if they're humble individuals who don't care about the recognition, but no matter the reason, constantly redirecting the praise onto others might be a sign of a deeper insecurity.
They might worry about standing out too much and have this deep and intense fear of being perceived that they just avoid the spotlight altogether. They shrink themselves down and let others take the accolades and applause, even if they're the ones who did most of the work.
However, by constantly undervaluing themselves, their confidence will never grow and they'll never be able to become comfortable with being recognized for their worth.
3. Judging others on a whim
fizkes | Shutterstock
Being quick to judge others is one of the personality traits most people think are normal but are actually signs someone is really troubled. Research published in the Journal of Neuroscience has shown that our brains are quick to judge others, but that doesn't mean this is some quirky personality trait that makes someone fun to be around because you get to gossip and kiki.
The ones who are usually the most outspoken about other people's choices and habits are usually the ones that are struggling with the same things they're judging other people for. To them, it feels safer to project their own insecurities onto other people rather than confronting them head-on.
They deflect their own shortcomings onto the nearest person, even if that person doesn't feel insecure about it at all. They're simply trying to boost their own self-worth, not realizing that it's telling way more about how they feel about themselves than how they feel about other people.
4. Perfectionism
Gorodenkoff | Shutterstock
There's no such thing as being perfect in life. As humans, we're all going to mess up and fail at many things that we do, but that's the beauty of being able to grow and learn. When someone is constantly worried about meeting these high standards and tends to be quite hard on themselves when they don't reach them, that constant pressure will soon catch up to them.
According to experts from Harvard Summer School, the consequences of perfectionism are detrimental. Not only do perfectionists struggle with their own self-image and confidence, but they tend to struggle with feelings of anxiety, stress, and worry, which will eventually take its toll on their physical health as well.
Many perfectionists are good at hiding the fact that they take things so seriously, and are oftentimes quite charming and reliable people. Which makes it easy to overlook their internal struggles.
5. Avoidance of conflict
Xavier Lorenzo | Shutterstock
There's simply no way to get around having to deal with conflict in your life. Not all conflict has to negative and end relationships, but if you're constantly brushing things under the rug, it will only end up exploding in your face later on.
For those that actively avoid conflict, it's one of the personality traits most people think are normal but are actually signs someone is really troubled. They often have a huge fear of speaking up or disagreeing with people, so instead they bottle up their thoughts and feelings rather than being able to express them.
Licensed psychologist Jonice Webbs explained that there are usually two problems with avoiding conflict. The first is that you let the other person's negative behavior go unchecked; the second is that you're only walking away feeling victimized and stifled.
It can be terrifying to speak up, especially not knowing how the other person will react. But you're only doing yourself a disservice by continuously compromising their feelings over your own.
6. Self-deprecating humor
Monkey Business Images | Shutterstock
People who tend to rely on self-deprecating humor are usually only using it as a sort of shield. They're simply hoping that by being the first one to get the joke out, it'll help control how others perceive them and prevent people around them from making the joke before they can.
To an unsuspecting person, these individuals might seem fun to be around because they're always making jokes at their own expense. But usually, this behavior stems from low self-esteem and a struggle to feel confident in their flaws.
According to clinical psychologists from the Practical Psych, using this type of humor damages confidence, creates an unhealthy self-perception, gives a false sense of control, and can be used as a defense mechanism. And for people who do this, they'd rather lean on the joke than actually open up and be vulnerable with the people around them about what they're actually struggling with.
Self-criticism just feels a lot safer to them than actually baring their soul and laying all of their cards on the table without having to hide behind a joke.
7. Compulsively overworking
Inside Creative House | Shutterstock
We live in a culture where hustling and working hard to the point of exhaustion is often an admirable trait about someone. But when someone is constantly overworking themselves to the point where they're not giving themselves room to catch their breath, it's usually a sign of something deeply troubling going on.
For many chronic workers, staying busy is their way of trying to stay in control. They find sitting still or taking a break uncomfortable because it means having to be alone with their thoughts and feelings that they're seemingly trying to avoid confronting.
There's also nothing good that comes from overworking yourself either. A 2019 study even found that constantly working without taking any breaks at all can severely damage your cardiovascular health and put yourself at risk for depleting your physical health to the point where there could be lasting effects and even an early death. To put it simply, working yourself to the bone will put you in an early grave.
8. Hyper-independence
insta_photos | Shutterstock
It might seem like a strength to see someone who's always doing things on their own rather than constantly relying on other people for support. They're self-sufficient and extremely confident in their ability to get things done their way. While being independent is definitely a great quality to have, there's a difference between that and then being hyper-independent.
Those people are usually the ones who are scared of asking for help. So instead, they've just learned to carry things on their own, even when they feel exhausted and can't handle all of that pressure on their shoulders.
Hyper-independent people are usually really good at hiding their pains and struggles because admitting they need help just feels unsafe for them. As the Newport Institute pointed out, this negative cycle of extreme independence will only result in issues like extreme loneliness, anxiety, and even other coping mechanisms.
We have people in our lives who are always willing to step up and be in our corner if we need it, and there's nothing wrong with leaning on them from time to time.
9. Disappearing for long periods of time
fizkes | Shutterstock
Some people truly have a habit of ghosting the people in their lives. They take weeks, maybe even months, to respond to texts, and they rarely ever come out to socialize. At first, it might just seem as if they're just busy or really value their alone time, but in reality, it could be a sign that they're struggling with something much deeper that no one else is aware of.
People who are quick to disappear are usually using it as some sort of coping mechanism. Retreating from being social gives them a sense of control when things around them can feel quite chaotic and messy. They may have a lot on their plate and can't seem to figure out how to navigate it or even open up about it to their loved ones, so instead, they burrow deeper into their cocoon.
However, constantly disappearing will only make things worse for them and maybe even further deplete their mental and emotional health, especially because humans are hard-wired for close relationships.
10. Over-apologizing
fizkes | Shutterstock
Apologizing can seem harmless at first, as it's someone just being polite and not wanting to hurt someone without letting them know how apologetic they are about it. But over-apologizing is just another of the personality traits most people think are normal but are actually signs someone is really troubled.
When someone is over-apologizing, it can be a sign that their self-worth is tied to how others think of them. They worry about every and any misstep that they take for fear it'll upset someone or they'll be not liked.
Human behavior expert Melody Wildling explained that over-apologizing can sometimes just be a misdirected way of trying to claim responsibility and making a problem disappear entirely, but it'll only have major side effects on your own self-image, no matter how badly you want to play the peacemaker.
The truth is, not everyone is going to like you, and that's more than okay. What matters is if you like yourself. Being able to break the habit means having more compassion and empathy for yourself. It's about giving yourself grace and knowing that you, truly, did nothing wrong that you need to apologize constantly for.
11. Avoiding deep conversations
Nicoleta Ionescu | Shutterstock
People who tend to avoid deep conversations like the plague are usually struggling with being able to share their personal feelings and fears. They worry about being misunderstood by those around them or even judged and criticized. So, by keeping the conversation shallow, they're able to protect themselves from being exposed and even hurt.
For many people who avoid vulnerable and deep conversation, it might even come from past experiences of always being dismissed or ridiculed, whether it was from friends or even as a child with their family.
However, having deep conversations with your loved ones and breaking down your walls is the only way that you can build these meaningful and loving connections with people. It's hard to not let your past dictate your present, but knowing who in your life will accept you with open arms is the first step to taking your mask off and getting deep with them.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.
