10 Unexpected Reasons Men Stay Obsessed With Certain Women
Men don't ever get over the one that got away.
MAYA LAB | Shutterstock In a relationship, men can become fixated on women who sparked something deep inside him that nobody else could, like a feeling of being truly seen and heard. Even as the relationship comes to an end and they feel her slipping away, they ponder what they could have done to treat her the way she deserved. His obsession is not always nefarious, as it may actually come from a place of genuine love and wanting to be with her.
While there are plenty of unexpected reasons men stay obsessed with certain women, it's usually linked to her leaving a lasting impression on his mind, something about them that has lingered long after the relationship ends. This imprint could come from his past regrets, but it's likely the parts of her that he never quite figured out, or the parts of himself he discovered in her absence.
Here are 10 unexpected reasons men stay obsessed with certain women
1. She wanted him but didn't need him
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Men become consumed with women who want them but don't necessarily need them, because it shows they still have some desire for independence. This means that even if he chooses to break it off with her she will be alright, because he was just an additional part of her life and not a permanent one.
Men tend to obsess over women that they deem to be a challenge because they are not so easy to control. According to research published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, men are often attracted to women who demonstrate independence and present a challenge to them. The more intelligent they seem, the more men find them attractive.
Men love women who don't need them because it shows that she is selective of who she is with. Not every man can be with her and he becomes taken by that notion.
2. She provided a safe space
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Men often form deep emotional bonds with women they can talk to, and tend to feel a relationship ending more strongly than women. A study published in Behavioral and Brain Sciences determined that men often experience greater emotional distress after a breakup compared to women. This is because men rely more heavily on their romantic relationships for emotional support, so when that connection is lost it makes it feel more profound.
Because she provided a safe space where he could be vulnerable without fear of judgment or criticism, this is one of the unexpected reasons men stay obsessed with certain women. In a relationship, she becomes an outlet for him to let down his guard and show his vulnerable side.
But just as she becomes his greatest strength, she can also be one of his biggest challenges. No relationship is perfect, and you take the good and bad parts of each other. For him, he loved both and now fears he may never find that type of emotional intensity again.
3. She made him feel something real
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Showing up authentically as yourself in a relationship is the most important thing to do. As a study from the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology found, people who perceive their romantic partners as authentic are more likely to experience deeper intimacy, trust, and long-term relationship satisfaction.
Honesty and trust are hard to come by, so when a man finds a woman who can make him feel something real, it becomes hard for him to forget her. He entrusted her with his wants, fears, and goals, hoping that she would eventually be a part of his story.
Unfortunately, when he doesn't reciprocate, it leaves them in a situation where she is emotionally depleted and distant. As a result, women will look elsewhere if their emotional needs are not being met.
4. She didn't make him her entire life
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A woman's lifestyle says a lot about her, and one of the many unexpected reasons men stay obsessed with certain women is when she has her own life outside of the relationship. It shows that she's independent and that if things go south between them he knows she will be alright.
Rather than molding her life around him, she added him to it. Whether he stays or goes is up to him, but she makes it clear that she will be fine with or without him. Research from Scientific Reports determined that people who highly value their freedom are more likely to be voluntarily single, as they are less dependent on their partner for emotional fulfillment.
Knowing that a woman will be fine without you takes the pressure off of a man feeling trapped within a relationship, and it paradoxically makes him more likely to stay.
5. She had self-respect
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A woman who respects herself is not going to put up with any nonsense. She sets clear expectations for the relationship and boundaries that he should never cross. In fact, a study published in the Journal of Personality found that people with high self-respect not only protect their peace but also bring out that behavior in their partners.
Women who value their peace and respect themselves gain the confidence to be more assertive. And there's something about an assertive woman that makes a man go wild for her. When she stands firm in what she believes, she sets the tone for how others treat her.
He suddenly has to match her level as she challenges him to rise and be better. Despite men claiming to want to be in charge, they secretly like a woman that is in charge.
6. She never tried to prove her worth
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Back when they were together, she knew what she brought to the table and didn't need to prove her worth. It was incredibly attractive to him, and now that she's gone, he obsesses over it. Men and women both know that proving your worth to someone makes you look desperate and forces the relationship, and relationships should form organically over time with trust, love, and honesty.
Men obsess over women who give them the freedom to choose. These women don't chase men, but attract them. True value doesn't need to be sold or proven. As licensed therapist John Kim said, when a person shapes themselves based on the desire to gain approval from others, they create what he calls a "pseudo self."
"We want to believe we're worth something. And proving it once isn't enough. We need constant validation. But when we are in a trying-to-prove-something state, we are in a 'pseudo' state. We are seeking. We are wanting. In this state, we block our unique gifts, lowering our potential," Kim added.
7. She kept a little mystery in the relationship
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When a woman allows a little room for mystery, a man will obsess over her. Men love the thrill of the chase, especially when it's with a woman who doesn't overshare about her life. It encourages him to project any fantasies he has onto her, and imagines what their lives would be like if they did get together.
A reserved woman is interesting, mysterious, and a challenge to a man who is naturally curious, and secrecy often increases curiosity. As behavioral analyst Wendy L. Patrick pointed out, when someone doesn't reveal everything about themselves upfront, it creates a sense of mystery, making the other person want to know more. This curiosity drives attraction.
As humans, we are wired to be drawn towards uncertainty. And a woman who is reserved will withhold details about herself, which sparks a man's imagination and interest.
8. She never acted out of vengeance
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Relationships are messy and breakups are even more so. While both people are mourning the end of the relationship, it can be easy to fall into vengeful emotions and want to seek revenge. But if a man is lucky enough to have an ex who doesn't seek out these things, he begins to regret his decision.
If he spoke ill of her after the breakup, he will feel even worse knowing that she never took that route. Regretting his actions eventually leads to reminiscing about the woman and becoming obsessed with her, even if he wasn't before.
A survey by DatingTipsLife found that 76.5% of men regretted breaking up within 60 days, and 73% considered getting back together with an ex if given the chance. It just goes to show that men tend to return weeks, months, or even years later to a woman whom they've hurt.
9. She was emotionally unavailable
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Perhaps one of the most unexpected reasons men stay obsessed with certain women is when she's emotionally unavailable. Men fantasize about finding a "manic pixie dream girl" despite this woman just being a fantasy. A woman who is quirky, fun, yet emotionally unavailable is probably wounded by her past and lacks the emotional depth he will eventually need in a long-term relationship.
Towards the end of the relationship, a man will realize that this woman is a person with her own desires and not just a side character supporting him on his journey. But believe it or not, people tend to be more attracted to emotionally unavailable people, even if it's not good for them.
Research from 2021 found that perceived scarcity in relationships leads to an increase in desirability. The act of someone being emotionally available is appealing to people who suffer from low self-esteem because emotionally unavailable people reinforce the idea that the other person is hard to love or that everyone simply abandons them.
10. She became 'the one that got away'
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Men love to wrack their brains about the one that got away. Even if years have passed and both have moved on with their lives, men often idealize their past partners while women tend to seek closure. Men process their emotions later than women do, and there's a level of regret he deals with, because somewhere during the relationship he hurt her and doesn't want to face his actions.
Sometimes, it's not about wanting them back, but grappling with the missed opportunities and the version of themselves that they wanted to be when they were with her. The obsession isn't with her, but with the feelings she evoked in him that he can't seem to replicate with anyone else.
Sylvia Ojeda is an author with a decade of experience writing novels and screenplays. She covers self-help, relationships, culture, and human interest topics.
